Hindsight is 2020

You have told me in many ways

That all of me means nothing.

You ignored in many ways 

My voice that was aching.

You turned your back to me

And returned right back to normal. 

Me just trying to survive 

You happily called delusional. 

You build your self esteem

Out of corpses and dust.

Being better than us 

Is all that you want.

And I am still trying to scream

Into a void of make belief.

And I am still trying to make you see.

You might be dying alongside me.

You would be happier if I died.

One last breath and eyes open wide.

Saying otherwise would be a lie.

You would be happier with me gone.

So your life could just trot along.

Living your lie wouldn't feel so wrong.

You would be happier if I stopped. 

Being healthy is all you got.

So you happily let it rot

Just to proof a point.

Did you proof your point?

Small town gossip

Count the scars of my arms

If you want my story.

Spread my blood like gossip

And hide my poetry. 

You got to know what you did

Was totally see-

Through.

But I am not the patience

That you can wear thin.

The threadbare clothes 

That scratched on skin.

You have no right to

My suffering

Brain.

You always chose his story 

Over my simple truth.

So confident in the belief

That he wouldn't do it to you.

Small town life hides hurt

And it hides him too

Well.

I left it all behind

Cause I needed to breath.

So tell me I lie 

About the things he did to me.

Small town lies thrives

On gossip and make believe.

Keep me out of it.

Altijd hetzelfde

Ik geloof niet meer in menselijkheid.

Ik geloof niet in de kracht van velen.

We breken af en dan hebben we spijt.

Creëren open wonden die niet helen.

Eigenlijk verandert er niet echt iets.

Worden wij als mens niet echt beter.

We praten tot we niets meer zien.

Tot ons woord niet langer iets betekent.

We zeggen dat we niet liever willen

In deze wereld dan vrede.

Maar we draaien om in stilte

Terwijl zij hun hart uit schreeuwen.

Papieren waarschuwingen

Die vast zitten in hun kelen.

De manier waarop jullie zwijgen,

Dat spreekt pas echt boekdelen.

Erasure

 

Two bodies in the grass.

One moment that was up for grabs.

One hand on my hands

Your other spelling out a demand.

Your hand moved freely,

Finding the silence that you need.

This pressure I feel

Will spend years of my time poisoning me.

Now I carry scars on those hands 

From twenty thousand times washing them.

And still I can't get you off.

I should be angry but still I am not.

I blame myself because that is all I got.

The scars climbing up my arm as I ran.

I ran from my memories.

And I ran from my mind.

I ran from my heart 

As I left the pieces behind.

I ran from commitment

And I ran like a fool.

I ran from the pressure

I ran and ran as I knew

I couldn’t close the distance from you.

But still I ran for….

Decades of my life.

Hiding memories I denied.

But I couldn’t make myself lie.

Here it was again, you and I.

And as I got back in my body for another time.

Watched the scene unfold through my own eyes.

I hope this time it is you that dies.

To dust

 

Always falling now.

Every day is the same.

I watch the world burning

On the breath they gave

To heal the wounded

And lift the breathless up.

I bear witness to lives

Crumbling into dust.

And when they run out

Of the breaths they gave

To keep  us warm, you come 

To carry their limbs away.

Why are they cries for help

Answered with a world of silence?

I bear witness to a world 

Burying their resilience.

Can you not hear the hands of the clock moving forward?

And how even those hands are asking you to stop?

To stop and listen to the stories you are erasing?

But your barbed wire hearts are tearing them apart.

“It’s every man for themselves” is what you said.

And they wouldn’t even have a moment to scream in anger.

Cause if they dared to have any of the feelings

You will call their dead silent bodies the aggressors.

And as the hands move forward,

And as eyes turned heavenward

The clock moves another hand.

Do you hear them call?

Do you hear them at all?

One minute to the next bomb falls

One minute to the next bomb falls…

Are you counting them yet?

Counting the wounded 

And counting the limbs

And counting the dead children.

Counting the blown buildings.

Counting the once loved people

That are now left alone

And the places once called home.

Counting the hearts turned stone

And the once that are broken.

Counting the excuses politicians

Wants us to fall asleep in.

Counting the lies that they tell

And the sounds that sound like hell

And counting the people under their spell

Counting the days until we can’t count them at all…….

Always falling now.

Every day is the same.

I watch you all fall silent.

As silent as the breaths they gave.

You forgot the wounded

And put other stories up.

So you won’t need to bear witness

To their lives crumbling to dust.

Heart

 

I have seen your heart and it is not breaking.

I have seen your soul and it is not there.

It told me it was never watered.

It tells me you forgot to care

For it.

The leaves turned brown and you didn’t notice.

The stems wilted and you never felt a thing.

Your life just seemed to go on.

The loss barely stinged

You.

When your heart comes back to summer,

If it comes back to summer at all?

Will you then mourn the loss?

Or will you just wait for fall

Again?

Tuesday

What are you going to do if 

Your only prospect in life 

Is fight or die?

What are you going to do if

Your only choice is resist

Or be traumatised?

You say they made 

Their own bed but I say

It's a fucking lie.

It doesn't matter

What you deny,

It's a genocide. 

You spend these years

Creating and building them.

They were born in 

The silence of death 

And it was deafening. 

What did you expect 

Would be happening? 

Their ears still ring from

All the shots you took.

I won't condemn the thing 

You condemned them too.

Terror from a state 

Is terrorism by another name. 

It's not called surprising. 

It's called another Tuesday being the same.

Falling apart

 

I feel like I am falling apart.

Planned

Descent

Into madness

Not planned by me,

But send

Into my life

By society.

I’m broken.

I am being broken.

Parts of me

Picked and parted

Away from me.

Not allowing me

To be myself

Won’t release me.

Won’t set you free.

Panic attacks get the best of me.

All the attention right on what I feel.

It’ll bleed me dry and still I won’t scream.

I feel like I am falling apart

And I am meant to.

You want me to not to be equal

And exist like you do.

We all know.

Feel

 

Stay away from me, I don't want to feel.

Don't feed me lies like this is normal 

And pretend my feelings aren't real.

Stay away from me, you aren't real.

You are a figment of their imagination 

Here to tell me that I can't heal. 

But I am my own creation.

Even if I'm made of glass.

Why I'm see through and chipped

They can never guess.

I am the one self made out of 

Bones and bruises,

Broken sticks and fallen leaves,

And things no one uses.

Chipped teeth and black eyes.

I can still taste the blood in my mouth.

Tastes like ashes and tastes like lies.

Ruptured eardrums and new old lies.

I can still remember that day you packed your suitcase 

With nothing but goodbyes.

(Just to see if we would stop you.)

I am the one now that 

Has to pick up the pieces.

It's funny how in the end

I am the one who loses.

I saw their dinner party

Where they feed your lies,

So,

Welcome to my dinner party. 

I don't want to die.

Tell me whether 

I would fall or fly

Right on through my life.

Sigh. Deep sigh.

Peekaboo world!

All I want is to hide.

Take of me what you need.

Goodday. Goodbye.

Do not mistake their silence for an end to violence

We won't honour the violence, 

With our silence,

This is not the end.

It's just a breath.

A soft in.

A long out.

A wimper so thin. 

Cracking shoulder blades

A readjustment of bones.

A scream as loud as

Falling stones

That has a second to be held. 

A tear that has a second to be felt.

Like breath we continue.

We pause just to start anew.

But it's just to clean the blood

Of your lungs.

To reassess the harm that has been done.

Warm up strained muscles

And raised fists

And eat the meals we skipped

Before we go back onto the streets.

Because they want us to

Be as silent as the 15.000

Breaths they took,

We won't. 

Taste

I know the taste of broken.

It lingers on my lips.

It's that hint of glass

That is there when we kiss.

I know that taste of broken 

Cause I was born with it.

It was in my bloodline

And in my father's fists.

I remember to taste the trauma

Right where my lips have split

Any time they talk of healing

And trying to close this rift.

And I remember the taste of screaming

As I smear my old lipstick 

With the back of the bruised hand

I wanted to hit back with.

I remember the taste of broken

And everything you did.

You made me out of scars

And I will never forget it.

Out of reach

I'm paralysed. 

You're on my chest

And you won't compromise.

You're on my chest

And you feed me lies.

You're on my lungs

Hoping that I'll die. 

We both know why.

The last laugh.

It's what you want

But it won't be enough.

You want my smile

And then choke it off.

You want my heart

And my ability to love.

You're so fucking tough.

Living in my head you have all the power.

But my dear, so do I, you see.

You can make me repeat all those hours.

That you broke the best of me.

But you can't make me part of you again.

I am standing on your memories. 

I'm your flesh but not yours to demand.

I moved these ashes of you into the sea.

And when I think I see you my heart stops.

But it is just one moment there to teach. 

That when I think of you and my heart drops

I am still out of your reach.

Belief

It's the position you like best.

Me on my knees,

My head facing west

(East is too religious).

It's the position you like best.

My legs buckling down,

Right down into the glass

(Oh yes it's so religious).

So pious when you ignore my no,

Or shower me with anger when you don't. 

Who would have known?

Not God that's for sure.

Is my crying like a prayer to you?

Like a river that my tears flow into?

My life is wires that snapped too soon. 

My heart a sacrifice that elevated the mood.

It's a burning for which you asked.

My skin is flaking apart

As you take me to task

(Just so I could lose your God).

It's a burning for which you asked

I don't know where to start

This never ending set of tests 

(I wonder if you think you're God).

So pious when you enter from behind. 

I could scream but you would not mind.

I am lost to the ticking of time.

The heater in front of my face.

The heater in front of my face ticked along.

And it stopped keeping me warm.

Why did the heater once so strong

Stopped looking like God?

Please stop.

Life unfolded

Life unfolded.

Fingers in the grass

Holding onto the earth

That birthed them.

Stories untold and

Cut down in the tracks.

Told they are not worth

Protecting them.

You snapped their lifeline

Somewhere at the beginning.

Threw the middle and end away.

Vindicated by the world saying 

That all of this is fine.

You snapped their families

At the centre where it hurts.

Took their heart right out of them.

For always vindicated by the world

Not taking this seriously.

I watch people 

I never knew before

Show me things that

I've never seen.

I watch people 

I never knew before

Take their last breath

Right on my screen.

Silence,

Or compliance, 

Is the last thing you will get from me.

They will be free

 

2 brittle tears

On the way

To those they wear

Thin.

On the way

Down my skin.

It is more water

Than they will drink.

It is more water

Than they will sink in.

I hate how 

The world is lying

Now.

Saying this is ok,

It’s just the way how.

We have to support this.

We made a vow.

Our broken hearts

Are fallen down

To our feet.

But our hope will

Never deplete.

Our breaths are longer

Than yours, you see.

You will see.

They will be free.

CTRL ALT DEL

 

We are deleting history

And we are erasing stories.

We are taking buildings down

And we are calling it glory.

We are burning landscapes

And we are bombing all escape.

Blanketing it with excuses

And records never put straight.

We call it existing peacefully

If they take the pain silently.

And we defend the lie

Of defence if they speak.

We are paving over lives

Stealing away all their wives,

Replacing the word 

Genocide with strife.

We are on this world

And we keep repeating faults.

Writing communities out

Of Existence should have hurt

Us more than this.

The space our ego takes

And the world

Will silently fall asleep

Tonight. 

Dream of

The lullabies

That sang to us.

Those that told

How their resistance 

Was a terror 

To our world.

Their hopes,

Once a dance,

Now a danger to

Be destroyed.

We shall sleep in silence,

And we shall think us better for it.

I want you to know I remember. 

I want you to know. 

That you accepted all this violence,

But not when they threw back

A stone.

Write it down

I cannot unbreak broken promises

But I can yield a pen.

That is the one thing I know I can.

So I will fill up all the pages.

I can not wield their weapons

But I can dictate history.

I can write down every story

They want us to erase.

Don't do nothing 

Because you think

You can't do anything. 

There is a cost to silence

And you will pay everything.

You cannot unbreak broken promises

But you can bear witness

To all of the atrocities 

They say they carry out in our name.

There is power in remembering.

There is history in the making

If you are unwilling to forget.

Soulless

 

How heavy would your heart feel,

How heavy would be your tread?

If your whole life is made of fleeing 

Without ever touching your own land?

How heavy would your tears fall,

How close would death feel?

If you are never allowed a home,

Always disappearing under your feet.

How quickly will your anger rise,

How deep will the roots grow?

When every time you use your voice

Their judgment brings it low?

How sad will your days feel,

When gray is all you see?

And you have nothing to remember by

The faces of your family.

How quick our humanity broke

While looking at human lives.

How quick we are to take our heart

And hand to twist the knife.