Amoebe

Volgens jou ben ik zo´n beestje.

Ja je weet wel wat ik bedoel.

Zo´n eentje die zonder botten

Op de vloer rolt en haar pad niet eens voelt.

Ja je weet wel, zo´n eentje zonder ruggegraat!

Die niet eens durft al de dingen

meer te doen die jij vind dat ik moet doen

En die zonder een protest mensen als jij

op haar moet laten stampen elke ochtend vroeg

Omdat ik dat ook gewoon moet kunnen.

En als ik mijn mond open.

Als ik zachtjes praat of hard schreeuwt

Zet je je voet op mijn mond en zegt

Amoebes kunnen niet praten en wat jij vergeet

Is dat alles en iedereen behalve jij gelijk heeft

En dat je dus niet kan protesteren, stinkbeestje.

Niemand heeft wat aan jouw kant van het verhaal.

Hoe kan jij nou weten wat goed voor jou is?

Na al die jaren, decennia ziek zijn, hoe kan jij het weten,

Zelfs als het jij is die de prijs betaald?

En al die jaren later, na al die jaren van gevecht.

Staat niemand die dat zei nog aan mijn zeide,

Staat niemand daarvan nog recht.

Want ik had mijn ruggegraat genomen van onder

de schoenzoelen van zware schoenen op mijn lichaam

En wonder boven wonder, wonder boven wonder,

was het intact.

En nu als iemand al die dingen tegen mij zegt,

Dan zie ik de woorden die hij eigenlijk meent.

Ik geloof je niet, jij leugenaar, wat slecht.

Daarvan kan ik mij niet verdedigen,

Die dingen die zijn ronduit onwaar.

Ik kan je vragen te luisteren, te wegen,

en zien wie ik ben.

Ik ben geen beestje zonder ruggegraat.

Ik maak mijn keuzes, ik maak mijn lessen,

Ik weet wat ik kan en wat ik laat

Is anders dan jouw wensen.

Maar dit is mijn gevecht, en niet de jouwe.

Music

We don´t listen to the same blues, you and I.

You don´t hear the bass or the drum or the sounds

That tell you a bit about me.

Instead you cross the street,

Wearely and willingly, speeding up.

I drink my beer in the same bar I drink it in on Saturday night.

But you are there and you look flutter in despair acrros the counter.

Do not be afraid, I won´t get any closer.

I know I have a big mouth in a tiny package and I don´t know

when to shut it, when I am on, what they dare calle a tantrum.

I shut it today.

Do you think I come here to break your heart?

That my bisexual powers will grind you to a halt?

That my feminism and my activism spread like wildfire to

Your soft dangerous soul that always needs protecting?

Are you thinking so low of me or of yourself?

We don´t listen to the same metal at all, you and I.

According to you I am a dangerous predator.

Only perhaps to found pathetic because of my wheelchair.

If they are not the lure for our innocent souls.

Yes that is right.

The wheels on the floor are our lifeline to hell.

And when I am licking and you are moaning,

I am sucking you right in.

Those fingers in your cunt are there to carry you off.

Ooops no but really I meant get you off.

It does not matter the relationship I am in,

the way I look, behave, or see. See the world in all

his uniqueness. I chose the labels that I feel fit me.

The ones that tells me a bit about who I am.

My normal, in a world where everybody think they are

normal but no one really is, they are just part of a

larger engine and I… I reject every opinion of me

that does not suit me.

In the end we all want the same. We want the same

to be that everyone is allowed to be their own unique

different size. We all just want to be normally allowed to be different

like eveyrone else. That is still too much to ask?

So they say nay, always nay.

When with a girl, they call me gay.

I´m bi.

When with the boy, I am suddenly hetero.

No still bi.

I´m not someone who can´t chose,

needs a good dick, is untrustworthy

and can never be monogamous for

every bi cheat with both sexes.

I, I have explained enough.

All I did was sitting here listening to the music,

While the God you trust,

had you made some stuff up

To demean me.

Am I really the problem?

Or are you the reason that the world needs to

Normalize instead of criminalize us?

The reason why we need a pride parade to be

proud that we got through another year of

judgmental and sometimes even murderous

things we deal with in the world.

The reason why the transgender womens murdered

this year is probably already close to a 3 digit number.

Are you the problem or am I?

Cause girl, I was just listening to some music.

Can I just sit here and listen to some music?

Across the Borderline love

Love me,

But don´t hold me too tight.

Hold me,

And don´t kiss me too light.

Too close,

You will give me a fright.

No no,

Where are you going?

I don´t want you to go.

Just stay here with me,

Just stay here with me.

I hate you,

But don´t want you leave.

I love you,

And I am awaiting the grief,

Always,

Awaiting the grief.

No no,

Where are you going?

I don´t want you to go.

Just stay and love me.

Just stay and love me.

Oh god, love will be the end of me.

You are going to burn me up and I,

I will het it happen.

Oh god, This will be death of you,

And for sure I am going to bury

Myself with you.

Actions,

I crave them to speak.

I rise,

And the fall is steep.

I love,

I love too deep-ly

Oh god, I fight for what is righteously

Mine, and I will go under or die,

Die trying and trying again.

Oh God, your hand is always in mine

And we always go under together,

Drowning till swimming is possible.

I, have never done this before.

Will you help me, Hold the door!

I am not leaving without you.

Life, is a balancing act,

And in retrospect…

I want you to love me

And hold me tight

Kiss me,

And not just tonight.

Hold my hand

Until the morning light

And then some more,

Then some more…

There is something you don´t know

You said I lied,

I said I hide,

You said you won´t believe me.

You said I blew things up

Right our their proportions

But you think that cause you won´t believe me.

But there are these things you have never seen.

An image in the dark and that image is me.

You said you won´t listen and I don´t think you will watch

And see me lying here so still while the world rushes.

I am lying here in the dark because my body deceives me

And you don´t know.

I can´t bare the light, I can´t bare the sound and I can´t bare the silence either

And you won´t know.

It is my truth, after just 2 things of doing, my punishment for trying to feel alive

And you can´t know.

I live my life in less than half the time I have to spend and it makes me sad

And I don´t think you want to know.

How many times I have spend here crying

Between the sheets inside this room.

How many times I wonder if I should be

More scared for life than I am to die.

How many times I have been trapped here

With my thoughts to roam and how they feel like doom.

How many times I tried to smile and how

Many times I meant it and oh god I try….

And you don´t know the aftermath of everything I tried to do.

And you don´t know the eruption of guilt I feel for just being me.

And you don´t know how I tried to fix things without losing myself

In the process and you don´t know how I wished that I could be

Someone else. Just for you.

Just for me.

Just for them.

Just for the world that seems

Open at my feet and I can´t fucking reach,

Oh why can´t I reach?

I can always forgive but I am never able to forget

And I am not able to play the part and pretend

That everything never happened,

But I am lying here in the dark and you don´t know,

But secretly you already judged me for doing so.

There is no one but you who can change that.

This is not what I wanted, but you don´t see.

This is not how I imagined life to turn out, but you don´t know.

This is not the future of being me I thought, but you don´t see.

I never wanted this at all, and still you don´t know.

So call me a sick sick little liar,

And now I will hide only further.

Back in the dark room where no one can´t see me.

Maybe my body is protecting me from your judgment.

But I hardly reckon it is needed,

Your silence is deafening,

And I think I need to let go,

Because there is nothing threatening

About everyone of you who turned around

While I am lying here in this dark room,

Filling up my days,

Not making any sound.

Unwilling to see me lying here filling my days

Is rather telling of the little ways

You live in your world, and I in mine

And you don´t want to be proven wrong and that´s fine.

Maybe one day I will stop counting the days

Until the pain will just become painful memories

Or everything turns to scars and we find a way

To become closer again, but I won´t hold my breath.

I am lying here in the dark room, and you have hurt me,

Without even knowing so, my friend.

It has been a while

Let´s draw a line

Let´s shut the door

Let´s draw the needle

over her skin

And hurt some more

Let´s make it okay

The way it all plays out

And give her the blame

Not even a sentiment

Or some doubt

Let´s make it look

Like it does not hurt her at all.

Let´s give her a kick

And then let here take the fall.

I have tried in so many ways now

And every way is still not enough.

I have tried to meet you on middle ground

But still I was not close enough.

You wanted me to see it all your way

While mine kept on being ignored.

And I accepted my fault,

But still I wait for you to see yours.

I am just a punching bag, I guess.

Your good days are now my punishment.

And yes I know that it have hurt you to.

But that does not make this right,

Whatever what was meant.

Let´s take a dive

Into my soul

And see me swim

For many hours

To take back control

Over my life

And the things I feel

Over all those moments

That made you say

That I am not real.

That everything I feel or say is not worth a consideration.

That it is always me that has to walk the extra mile.

But the truth is, that I am tired of always walking.

If you want answers, come to me for a while.

Take the effort and come to me for a while.

Why won´t you ever come to me for a while?

Am I for you event worth your while?

Hello you, it has been a while….

De jas

Een zwarte jas zat aan de bar,

Een drankje in zijn beiden handen.

Naast hem zat een echte heer,

Met een vraag die in hem brandde.

“Wat heb je dan vandaag gedaan dan, man?

Dat het niet om 1 maar 2 drankjes vragen doet?”

De jas zette zijn drankjes terug op de bar,

En stoptte hem onder zijn hoed.

“Dat is wat men altijd vragen doet,

Aan zij die besluiten te stoppen met zijn.

Die hun huid naast hun kleding heeft gelegen,

En van het podium verdween.

Zie je, ik ben ook een acteur geweest,

Zelfs een improviseur, ja echt.

Het was volledig tegen mijn wil,

Maar dat was wat het leven je brengt.

Een baan, een schuld, een podium

Waarop je laat zien jouw waard.

Jouw vrienden, jouw familie, zelfs jouw vrouw

Zijn een enkel wezen van ogen die naar jouw staart,

Elke fout is nooit vergeten.

Elke woord woord in de boeken opgeslagen.

Want dat is het leven, weet je?

Gisteren word nooit meer vandaag, en..”

De jas sprak passievol maar viel hier stil,

Zijn woorden als lakens over de bar gevouwen.

Tussen de man en de jas en al het leven

Begon het langzaam een muur te bouwen.

“Ik denk dat je beter niets meer horen kan.”

Sprak de man in de ongemakkelijke stilte.

“Zelfs toen ik mijn vrouw vertelde dat ik leven

Niet onder controle had, ontmoette ze mij met kilte.”

De jas deed eindelijk zijn jas af

En besloot te verdwijnen in de massa buiten

Alsof hij nooit uitzonderlijk was.

Toch hoorde men hem fluiten.

Zijn drankjes gedronken op de bar

Vier anderen er nog bij.

Zijn hoofd zal nu even stil zijn,

Opgelost en blij.

Time

My dear,
You said that life is fleeting
And by definition so is time.
So you run like seconds are worth defeating
Until the life of you is gone.
But my love, you know not time like I do.
He sleeps in my bed and rises with the sun.
How can such a critter be fleeting?
If he has the same orderly day
After day after day after day.
And how can his time be worth defeating
For the chaos that will come unbound.

Is is not death that you are racing?
I can always see him in our tracks my love.
Maybe what you need is slowing down,
He might pass us by, the dove.
I think the world has turned upside down
For sure and so did I,
I was running until I could run no more
And I was running until I turned blind
And even after that I ran some more.


But time goes no slower here, you might think.
It goes by just as fast everyday
As I chose to walk my walks slower,
Talk my talks slower,
Fill my days a bit slower,
Stop and smell that flower just a bit lower,
Even though it did not smell of roses at all.
I did what every person would forget to do,
I breathe, I breathe, I breathe AND exhale
And the day I will finally met you
On the street I will have time to say hallo.

Isn´t that perfect? Those little moments
That not money but time can buy
And we have an abandunce of that.
The sleepy cat that perfectly lies
Between my breast when I rest.
Or the camera I brought
When surely someone in haste would have forget
That not the just big things in life matter
If it is just worth a brag
I am here, I am right here, love,
I am not the things you think I lack.

No I am laying here on the floor
The stones make my belly grow cold.
And I am petting the cat that crossed my path
And hearing her purr into my ear never goes old.
From my place here by the ground
I have not yet found where they buried the gold
But I found a dollar here, that´s almost as good
And look at the view on that building,
Amazing the beauty here from the ground.
Should I one day ever go sailing
I will bring my face as close to the sea
Not just to see underneath
But also see the skies further away from me.

Oh yes I mean it love,
There is no harm in slowing down.
What is your perpetual haste?
What is our perpetual fascination,
Nigh obsession with getting everything done?
This done, that done, so done, and yes
We have to have our responsibilities.
We have to take care of our lives
And we have to take care of each
And every one of us as well.

But what is the enjoyment in just enjoying
If it all is just another story to tell
And nothing to experience at all?
Another nod on the board?
Another stripe down right of the list?
God, don´t you ever get bored
Knowing that all the everything
You are doing turns to be nothing
At all in the end anyway?

So why not fully enjoy it all
And really take your time,
Yes the time you fear,
Taking everything in, and you´ll find
You have lived instead of ran,
Find in your precious time a friend.
Did ten things left feeling unharmed
Instead of doing 30 because you thought
Being a pusher througher made your life charmed.

No do not stop and just smell the roses now!
Stop and look at them right this minute.
Take them in and see every detail and you
Will see more than the whole lot
Of them racing you buy never knowing the details
Of that one single rose that caught your eye.
And is it time that brought you these moments
Or do you still believe time runs you by?
Time is nothing but a lie?