I will listen this time

So you are saying take that moment?

Lie down and just take a breath?

I will listen to you this time,

Settle down and I will not bend

To those tortuous times of the past

When they told me that the way was through.

Just push a bit harder if first not succeed.

Why are you not healing they said aghast.

But I will listen to you this time, my partner

In crime and in all of this.

Not to be lazy or to be faking.

But to find the final cure

That will silence all those feelings

Of everything that ever happened.

Deal with it and push through

Not run away from a mindful healing.

The answer to everything is not the same

And my words are not to take lightly.

I did not listen to you too many times, my friend.

Now I’ll clear my head and heal my frame.

I know you well, my dearest body.

Just forgot how you sound.

I believed when you told me what was wrong,

And what was needed. Listening will set me free.

I will listen this time my friend.

And I will listen every day from now on.

And if I push beyond your limits unneededly,

I will listen to you reprimand.

Daughter lover patient recover friend

I am left,

Alone,

Inside a bed

With silence

As my companion

And I dream

Of that perfect

Moment.

Where I smile

When they

Tell me

Stories

And start sentences

With: “Hey, do you

Remember when?”

And I am walking,

I pouring

Big black drapes

Of smoking,

Vaping,

Coffee

Into little coffee cups.

I think they’re purple.

They might be blue.

And you ask me:

“That nightmare

You had last night,

Did you forget?

Are you still

Bothered

By that existential

Crisis

Of suffering

That meant ab-so-lu-tely

Nothing?”

You always like to

Emphasize words

like that.

But not like

Chandler Bing.

“It is rather silly

Really. How can you

Stop being everything

At once? Even mothers

Are still daughters

And sisters are mothers

And lovers, and everyone

are friends, and someeeeetimeeeees

lovers are brothers. If you’re sick

You’re not nothing,

You are someone who

recovers, my friend.”

And I laugh.

It’s true.

And I walk into the next room

To look at the books

I, yes I,

Written that hang in that

expensive library I,

yes I, wanted

in the bedroom

And I

fold the laundry

Before I hug e-ver-y-one

I know.

(I do it to sometimes.)

Even sick heal, silly.

Who stops being almost everything?

Who stops being?

Who stops?

And as I fall back

Into that sleep

And come to

A

Standstill

Once more,

I laugh.

No one stops being,

Even the sick must heal, silly.

Who will believe

You!!

If you don’t?

Of course it is silly to

Be scared.

You are not alone.

You are just not.

Not my father's daughter

The mirror is not me

A turned around perception

And you don’t tell me what you see

When you look me in the eyes

I have to realize

That what you see is the past

And no one denies

That I had my faults

But this is not the past

And my lies were not the end game

That time did not last

I am not my father’s daughter

I am turned into a negative

By you pointing the finger

But I am not made a photograph

When you try to print your wrongs

So this is the carbon copy

Really, a search for hidden meanings

You forgot you’re talking to me

And I’m not my father’s daughter

Dead men can dance

There was a boy who I used to know,

And boy did he like to have a go

On the dancefloor.

With a swing and step he won my heart.

He danced and he danced

Till everything fell apart.

As I used to sing and sing

And liked the things I saw

There was now me watching him fall.

Everyone just looked

Through him and ignored

The tears falling onto the dancefloor.

Until he could dance no more…

I watch his back as he disappeared.

He faded away and nothing seemed to clear

To my lovesick puppy eyes.

I was a hard though cookie to crack

But he shimmied right in

And took my heart right back.

The people told me that he was dead.

But I wiped that spat of me and I know

He was still there wanting to have a go

On that dance floor.

He had that shimmy and that swing.

He would come back when he heard me sing.

I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew...

Oelala oelalala oelala lala lalalala *on repeat

I could hear him moan *noises

Oelala oelala

I could hear him wake up

Oelala oelalala oelala lala lalalala

I could hear him call “Help me”

Oelala oelala

I could hear him groan *noises

Oelala oelalala oelala lala lalalala

I could hear him say “Only you can help me”

*noises and ¨” parts repeated by other band members

I could hear him cry.

I could hear him cry “Please help me”.

My song an I walked into a cemetry.

I had your dance inside my step.

They said your grave belonged here,

You see,

But I am here to wake you up

I raise the dead and I won't stop

I'll never stop,

I'll never stop,

I'll never stop,

I will never ever ever ever stop.

They said my songs would never be heard

But one of them might be the cure

To your bad days,

And to your bad ways and the swing in your legs

That all of your bad days

Never knew your heart could not neglect.

There was a boy that my heart now knows

And boy did he like to have a go

On the dancefloor.

His core was black but his heart was red.

I am madly and deeply in love

With a boy that found his blissful death.

Dromen

Vandaag voelde even niet als opstaan,
Als vechten,
Als de wereld verslaan,
Maar kijk mij gaan.
De dag is uren verder
En ik sta nog steeds.
Al jankde ik mij de dag door,
En gaf mijn geest
Reeds de geest,
Maar kijk mij toch doorgaan.
Opstaan vallen en gaan.

Mijn geest word weer wakker
In momentjes van rust
En al sta ik strakker
In de paniek die ik ervaar,
Die angst? Fuck her!
Maar dan delicaat
Tot ze langzaam overgaat,
Mij eindelijk alleen laat.
Als ze maar de weg naar rechts neemt
En niemand ooit wat van hoor.

Mijn geest is ok.
Mijn lichaam is ok.
Er zitten wat foutjes
In mijn structuur
Maar daar ben ik niet zwakker mee.
Het is echt ok.
Niet dat ik niet aankan.
Ik ga wel mijn gang.
En wanneer de storm komt
Houd mijn vette lijf
Wel stand.

Zwak voel ik mij vandaag
En morgen misschien ook,
Maar hoe graag
Mensen mij zien falen,
Ik heb een dikke laag.
Ik kom er wel weer boven op.
Ben niet gemaakt voor de strop
Of een simpele uitweg
Dat van mij vraagt
Iets minder dan de top.

Wie wil klimmen,
Moet ook durven te vallen.
Wie wil winnen,
Moet kunnen verliezen.
En ik kom wel tot mijn bezinnen,
Al voel ik mij nu even zwak
En helemaal op.
Moe, nee niet lui, of op mijn gemak.
Ik ben gewoon echt helemaal even op.
Zie niet in hoe het door maar doorgaan.
Maar door gaan zal ik.
Fuck.

Ik ben wel een beetje een held.
En helden mogen zwak zijn,
Mogen huilen, voor hun geld
Dezelfde regels wat ons
mens maakt,
Niet dat suiker wat niet smelt.
Soms moeten we even niet hoeven kunnen,
Dat hart van ons,
Dat in ons borst pompt,
Wat rust gunnen.
Ons hopeloos voelen kunnen,
Tot we de oplossing zien
En verder durven te dromen.

Liggen

Ik wil even liggen,
Hier in de stilte die ik verlang.
Ik wil even niet denken,
Niet weten,
En vergeten.

Nee niet alles,
Nee natuurlijk vergeet ik jou niet.
Maar alles wat mij zeer doet,
De oorzaken van mijn paniek.

Mijn hart weegt zwaar in mijn borstkas,
En mijn gedachten zijn als mokerslagen,
Ik kan mij niet bewegen
Door de massieve trillingen in mijn lichaam.

Vraag me niet te doen,
Vraag me niet gewoon door te gaan,
Als ik niet weet hoe het kan,
Als jij het weet,
Vertel me hoe het kan.

Ben ik nu een zwak persoon?
Als ik even te moe ben?
Dat is mooi,
Want misschien wil ik vandaag wel zwak zijn.
Des te sterker ben ik morgen weer,
Hoop ik.

Ik wil mij klein maken,
En verstoppen voor de monsters,
Nee niet onder mijn bed,
Maar in mijn hoofd.
Ik wil dat ze me niet vinden.

Hoe kleiner ik ben,
Hoe minder snel ze mij vinden,
Toch? Toch?

Morgen ben ik weer sterk,
Adem ik weer diep,
En voel ik de frisse lucht
En weet ik weer dat ik het kan.

Morgen ben ik weer krachtig,
Loop ik rond, zelfs met die lood in mijn schoenen.
Tot ik uitgeput ben en dan verder,
Want er is geen einde aan mijn kracht.

Maar vandaag ben ik zo klein,
Liever zo zo klein,
En ik weet dat je het vast zwak vind.
Dat ik niet zo sterk ben als al die anderen.
Maar soms, soms
Mag ik?

Mag ik,
Na zo lang,
En zo vaak,
Sterk te zijn?

Morgen ben ik weer sterk.
Morgen heb ik weer alle hoop,
Die eindeloze hoop dat mensen raar vinden.
Geloof ik dat alles goed komt,
En vechten we weer door.

Vandaag ben ik echter zo bang,
Vandaag ben ik zo moe,
Vraag me nu niet op te staan,
Vraag me niet dat te doen.

Mag ik even hier liggen,
Tot de storm weer over waait?
Morgen zal ik weer vechten.

Laat mij maar hier liggen,
Ik beloof te ademen
En ik
Beloof te bestaan.
Maar ik wil even hier liggen?
Liggen, heel stil.
Ik wil even hier liggen,
Dat mag toch wel?

Healing

Life takes his toll on me,
All seems so hard and not gently
What will this day be,
Can it grow tenderly?

All this harsness and noise,
Sometimes leaves me no choice,
To just take of all my clothes,
And lie hidden until nothing shows

How the light has turned me blind,
How the day turns into night,
How the suffering of might,
Still make me smile and fight.
And when the stars alligned,
It's all okay inside my mind.
Every little thing that I tried
Has made leave the sorrow behind.

I can hurt and still feel grateful,
Live life with a plateful,
Take a smile and make it playful,
Taking time will feel delightfull.

Everytime I scratch my skin,
When the itch makes me scream,
And I'm overflowing the brim,
Tired and not sleeping firm.

I think of this and it's okay,
Every night will bring the day.
And if my bad will make you stay,
Think of the good coming your way.

Because I am not blind,
And I see you in my mind.
You see in me this fight,
My strength and all my might.
You hold me during restless night,
And let me sleep if I'm behind
On needed sleep, you hold me tight,
And rest with me for time to find.

And this mind it doesn't scare you.
This body is getting cared for.
I will always love you.
And all these bits of me love you too.

And if there is any kind of healing,
For all those overwhelming feelings,
When I have too many dealings.
You are the one giving it to me.
You are the one giving it to me.
You are the one giving it to me.