Let me

 

Let me enter.

Let me set the scene.

Let me tell the story

You wrote on the back of me.

Let me show the knife

You did not dare plunge in my chest.

Let me ask you to explain

Where you put my body to rest.

Let me present my scars

And my tales of truth.

Let me do all those things

You did not dare to do.

Let me take the tape off

You have put on my mouth.

When you told me to be silent,

Every time you thought me too loud.

Let me do all of that 

Before you present me to them,

So they know you have tried

To write me into an end.

Repeat offender

Here we are again,

Backed myself into the past.

And I find I can’t stand,

I am breaking my own heart.

I press myself to heal right now

But instead I am falling apart.

I came back for my memory.

Oh I came back for my memory

And I didn’t want to

Remember me.

I run for the hills

But the light likes darkness falls

Blanket like I can’t move at all

I press for the water and find

I can’t swallow down

Sobs are choking in my mouth

My darlings can’t save me

Oh my darlings can’t hide me

I have to endure

Until it breaks me.

There is a time for everything

But my heart it can not lie.

There is a time for dying,

But I don’t want to die.

I am afraid I am forgetting this

And sacrificed it to my listlessness.

Will I turn indifferent

To my own indifference?

The black dog of despondency.

Oh the black dog of melancholy

Will never stop

Sitting on top of me.

I run for the hills

But the light likes darkness falls

Blanket like I can’t move at all

Forever repeating the cycle.

Haiku

Conversing with cats

They tell me all their stories

I answer with meow

Depression

 

I am not sure when

I remember the first time

The grayness hit my eyes

But I have not yet denied

The knowledge that it brought

To make me survive

It. Maybe I was a child,

I remember that I was so small,

But maybe I have always been small,

And my eyes were not wrinkly.

My hands were not crooked at all

But my smiles were.

The first time I felt it tickle my brain

And demand my attention.

It tickled my brain and

My redemption.

A throat filled up with

It trying to catch my breath

And wanting to choke me,

Wanting my sanity,

It felt it suited me,

For I was nothing.

I almost died.

And then I almost died again

And again and again and again

Until feeling like “I do not want

To keep on doing this” turned into

“I know how how do this and then

How to survive this” 

To turn back to ok.

Maybe the cure for my depression

Was more depression.

But I still do not want it back.

But I still fear the next return

Will end me.

So this time when sadness tears

At the corners

Fear plants its 

Own kernels.

I almost forgot the way it takes me down.

I might have forgotten what to do.

I forget the way the light looks.

21 months of this

 

Sew my name on my tongue.

You keep losing the plot.

You tell me you did nothing wrong

And then turn around destroying me.

Stop asking if I do not mind

To carry the burden of your life.

Just so you can leave me behind

To become the one that burns.

I cannot keep doing this.

Just take me down and make a wish.

I cannot keep carrying this.

But I turn my cheek and take the hit.

 

'Cause 

I'm falling too deep

Through the cracks

Of the earth. 

I'm falling asleep

Near the roots

And the dirt.

And

I’m falling too hard

And I cannot

Find my brakes.

I’m falling apart,

One more break

Is all it takes.

But I put my red dress on,

And 'cause you want me too,

I perform.

But I put my best smile on,

And 'cause you want me too,

I perform.

But I put my best death on,

And 'cause you want me too,

I disappear.

Have you ever seen

 

Have you ever seen

Someone drown on dry land?

Have you ever seen

Someone being alone 

In the middle of the masses?

Have you ever seen

Someone coming to term

With how long they will last?

I have being waiting for this.

The culmination of your lack of care.

You marking on the calender

The day you wanted me dead.

I have been waiting for you

To spit into my face some more.

Your feet behind my door,

To come and finally find me.

Cause I have seen you

Volunteer up your own breath

To ruin the one in my chest.

Cause I have seen you

Turn yourself scientist to

Isolate and create an impact.

Cause I have seen you

Silence my already 

Voiceless scream, as simple as that.

I was expecting this from you.

In your mind I am a volunteer,

That stole everything you held dear

With underlying suffering.

I was expecting all of this

To come to such a high cascade.

A free fall into your hate.

Fuck it all, we are all so late.

We will never get out of this

If you don’t confront your own lies.

But you rather wait until you or I die.

Silence

 

Oh honey, I see you.

Oh honey, I see you so.

I won’t go, I won’t go, I won’t go.

You knew you were happy once, but it faded

Back to the background, where is seems to stay

With all the bits of your sanity that seems to remain.

You hoped the pain in your head remained a memory.

A shitty piece of the bad stuff in your history.

But there you are, crying and screaming again.

Please brain, please be silent

You beg, visions before your closed eyes.

No matter how much you try to smile,

Your body remains a broken thing

That just lies there.

There you just lie.

You’re lying in the crumbs of yesterday’s meal.

Your tears have dried but still you can’t see

Past the water that has formed in your eyes.

Waking up to the sound of a singular beat

Drumming to last nights disastrous lack of sleep

And asking of life the silence you desperately need.

But your brain, it won’t go silent

And you see horrors every time you close your eyes.

No matter the distraction you try to conjure,

Your body is the only silent thing.

And there you lie,

There, you just lie.

They all can see the mask that is breaking

And all the years of happy memories just flaking

Away into the wind cause you aren’t allowed them.

You fill your ears with music to try to understand

What is that that dark dog seems to demand

Of you but all it offers is a different noise.

Cause your brain doesn’t know silence.

You hallucinate onto the lids of your eyes.

My body the only unmovable thing.

The story is mine.

Here, I just lie.

Oh honey, I see you.

Oh honey, I see you so.

But sometimes I wish I would leave myself alone.