How do you mourn someone who is still alive?

Step 1. Repeatedly.

Step 2. Wake up every morning wanting your mother like you're 5 years old. Shatter.

Step 3. Try forcing yourself to stay asleep. Wake up fully anyway because nothing stops for you and closing your eyes means little when reality is imprinted on your eyelids.

Step 4. This is where people start the day, maybe have a coffee. Why you ordered bedrot and tears for breakfast, no one will know. You already have 4 cans of it in the cupboard.

Step 5. Think that you finally understand the senselessness of whatever is happening. Then understand you don't.

Step 6. Find new things to mourn. There is always something to fill yourself up on.

Step 7. Forget for a moment what happened. It's a peaceful thought. Feel guilty immediately. 

Step 8. Panic attack time. Choke on your teeth as the change wraps around your heart. Don't forget not to breathe.

Step 9. Watch everything you have known come apart as you try to stitch fast enough. Unravel along with it.

Step 10. Start back at Step 1. No get out of jail free card. Life doesn't come with those.