dinsdag 9 mei 2023

Your churches are burning, your pews are emptying

 

Did you come here to tell me your story?

Did you come here to tell me how mine will end?

Cause honestly, I have heard it all before,

And I'm so very tired of the demands.


Did you come here with your explanations?

I'm so very tired of the space you take,

And I find myself beyond done

With the destruction you leave in your wake.


Break your heart down, it’s time.

The world doesn’t revolve around you, 

You’re not the bottomline.


You’re not the centre of it all.

Breaking down the spirit of people

Who were already falling.


Falling with the splinters of life.

But here you come, 

Ready to twist the knife

Again.


God, something I wish I wasn’t me.


Do not fold your hands in supplication for me.

I want to be the lost cause and that’s ok.

But you force yourself down my throat and I choke,

I am at the end of my rope and the edges fray.


Always a prayer away from what you call your love.

The burning down of everything I want.

Ever wondered why your churches are burning?

Emptying on the sound of boots stamping nonchalantly.


This is not the way to get them to come back.

You can not get an audience

By becoming more of what you lacked.


Grow on your own dime,

Not on my time.

You have no claim 

On what's mine.

I unpolitely decline.

zaterdag 6 mei 2023

Lies are only a comfort to you

 

Sit still,

Don’t move,

Just smile,

Eyes too,

Give answer

When told to,

Love like

Other girls do,

Talk more

But not like you

Do now.


You’re a girl,

So play with them.

Try harder

To make friends.

Think hard

Before hitting send.

And think

Before you bend.

But don’t wear pink.

It’s too feminine

For women.


I am done with the rules you provide me.

It is really such a crime to simply be me?

Is my existence weighing so heavily on your eyes?

Do you want an existence in which everyone lies?


Lies about

The i that’s I.

Lies about 

The weight of life.

Lies about

This love of mine.

Lies about 

Who what why.

Lies about

The mobility I

Just don’t have.


I am who I am who I am who I am who I am who I am

Why do you want me to break myself into you?

Will the world break if it’s not something I will do.


I am done living my life in hiding.

I simply will not be the one that is lying.

I don’t care for the vision that lives in your eyes.

My existence a truth that isn’t yours to deny.


You seem to forget 

That it's me who made me.

I made me, without you.

The only thing you taught me

Was how to be you.

Which was something I already could do.

vrijdag 5 mei 2023

Body hate

I want to love this body that you all seem to despise.
But I can not think for myself with you whispering your lies.
Just let me care for every inch, for this body that's mine.
The volume of your hatred rises, my life is on the line.

You say you'll only care if I shrink.
If I just do, not think. 
Fit the mould. 

You say you'll be there if I'm not.
Erased myself into knots.
Or so I'm told.

Will the disgust of my body make you write an end to me?

I'm entangled in false promises of wanting the best for me.
But you won't go beyond the superficial layers of me.
You could never care for me after what you've seen.
I guess that's how the world spins and it's always been.

Have I lost the right 
To view my body as mine 
When it's this size?

I want to shut 
My mouth tight so
You can't feed me lies.

I want to hold myself 
Right and then
Let my anger fly.

But all the harm cost
Has been left for you
To deny.

Will your hate of who you see, be the death of me?

donderdag 4 mei 2023

You missed the feeling of teeth on your fists

 

Puppet, puppet, little puppet.

Little little puppet to ancient old machinery.

Puppet, puppet, little puppet, 

Do you think they won’t notice you

Cause they look at me?

Puppet, puppet, little puppet,

Little puppet thing,

On little puppet strings.


Don't pray for me.

I don't need it.

I don't have a soul to safe

And I mean it.


Don’t say this is

So you can save me.

The person that I am

Does not need saving.


I know my voice

And I know what I am saying.

It’s not my soul,

But violence that you’re craving.


You want my blood and you want my head bowed.

You want the conclusion to the harm you’re creating now.

You missed the feeling of teeth on your fists,

The memory of that deadly kiss.

You missed the feeling of teeth on your fists.


I like how I live,

It’s you that don’t.

It’s you who hate the

Life that I won’t.


I like what I see,

The peace I found.

But you will never notice,

The way you creep around.


You will never notice the way you creep around us.


You want my blood and you want my head bowed.

You want the conclusion to the harm you’re creating now.

You missed the feeling of teeth on your fists,

The memory of that deadly kiss.

You missed the feeling of teeth on your fists.


You want our tears and you want our deaths.

You want to feel like you are the one who was standing last. 

You missed the feeling of teeth on your fists.

The history repeating that deadly kiss.

You missed the feeling of teeth on your fists.


History will forget all you was,

But your violence.

Tell me was that fame worth

Turning our bodies to silence?

zaterdag 29 april 2023

Throat

 

I have come to the conclusion long time ago,

That repeating myself never served a purpose.

And now I finally crossed the junction of no turning back.


Thought my life would be emptier without you, but lo

And behold, it seems I just gained myself in the process.

I couldn’t build on all the things that you lack.


But I got to admit that I am still angry sometimes.

I can still feel the oppression deep inside my throat.

You always formed your own conclusions.


Silenced everything that did not fit, all the fucking time.

I swallowed every cell of me until I bloated

And floated on the water of your well intended intrusions.


Why was I the only one who wasn't allowed a voice?

You called your anger justified but mine was always a choice.

Why was I the only one who wasn’t allowed a say?

You waved my name away and called me insane.


Why was I the only one not allowed to be myself?

You kept me in a dented box and away I was shelved.

Why was I the only one never allowed to be distraught?

You just want me to be everything I simply am not.


And I’m not easy.

This I know.

I don’t slide down.

I choke throats.

I’m a ball of fury.

This I know.

I won’t say yes

When I mean: Don’t.

I’m a sticky mess.

This I know.

I will never keep

The pressure low.

I’m not sugar

And this I know.

I won’t be the thing

You hoped.

zaterdag 15 april 2023

You lie

 

One thing means another thing

Is the way of the world it seems.

It swings the pendulum right

Into confusion. 

It stretches at the

Hidden meanings.

I am autistic.

And I didn’t get it.

Why say what you didn’t do?

But I know, I know now,

Who you want to fool.

It is so easy.

But I know, I KNOW

It now like I know my skin

That every time I hear them say

PROTECT THE CHILDREN,

I'm talking to someone who's unsafe.

Unsafe for the children 

They so proudly parade for.

Unsafe for the mouths 

They never feed, just close.

Unclothed

Without basic dignity. 

Unhomed 

Behind the front door.

As soon as I hear 

PROTECT THE CHILDREN

I know that's not

What they are here for.


Your children are the power structures.

Your children are the lies you want to uphold.

Your children are the prayers

For which you sold

Your actual children out.

Your children are the closet

That is screaming and bleeding out.

Fuck.


You don’t fight for the rights of your children.

You don’t fight for the tools they can use to protect themselves,

Or the safety they need to come forward.

No you let them starve and feel hunger. 


Where is your attack on the churches?

On the politicians bringing child labour back?

Where is your fight to stop the child marriages?

Where are the morals you say that WE lack?

But you defend known abusers.

You offer up your children to the arms

Of still being harmed

And you do not believe them.

Are you not the same ones 

Who throw their queer children

On the streets? To fend for themselves?

If this is defending your children,

You are bad bad bad at what you do.

Here is the F for Failure

You clearly deserve.

Pathetic.


Breathe.

Just breathe.


Every time I hear Protect the children.

I see in you the faces of the people

Who said my family was bad

For abandoning my father.

Sad sad sad, he was a sad man

And a good man and a pious

Man and proper man and he

Must be a good father man if

He gave my rebellious ass a

Shelter man, why reject the man,

He must not be such a bad man

Cause he seemed nice and 

Was nice to them.


Just because his fists did not fly in your direction,

Did not mean they stayed at his side.

Just because you weren’t here for the ride

Doesn’t mean you can gaslit my experience.

God I hate the idea of stranger fucking danger,

You rather believe the idea of a fantasy phantom

Than your children who said it was their uncle,

The youth pastor and you know what?

I am done.

You don’t care, you don’t.

You want to easily tie up an idea that won’t.

You tell lies that make you feel like a hero.


But protect the children

Is reject the children

Is deflect by using children

Is detect who will remain your children

And who won’t

Is detest the children 

Who do not fit the mold.


All I hear 

Is your pounding fear

Your children might be queer

Drumming away in my ears.

God forbid they might get the chance

To chose to be happy.

To be accepted as they are.


Shocking.

You’re so afraid of your children

And who they might become.

A son must always be a son,

And never the sun,


As long as you only talk about my family, my community,

And never the actual harm that has been done?

I will see the lies in protect the children,

And I will skip you by.

You’re worth nothing more now,

Than a footnote on another black

Page in the history books we buy.

vrijdag 14 april 2023

Social cues

I Wish I could smile like you.
You make it seems so easy.
Just lift the corners up 
And turn to the breeze.

I wish I could talk like you.
All edges sanded smooth.
Energized by existing
In the same breath they do.

But every time I speak to people I feel so alone.
Interpreting meanings I might have gotten wrong.
It's the most exhausting thing I have ever done,
So I observe in silence through the screen on my phone.

Is it charming if I frown?
I feel I already let you down.
(And I don't know,)

Is it hard to be my friend?
I disappoint you until it ends.
(And I won't know,)

Is it hard to match my style?
Just disappear into a smile.
(I did so.)

I wish I could bend like you,
But I'm not soft or easy going.
Can I stowaway in your baggage 
And hope for easy sailing?

Cause you make it look so simple.
The way you talk your talk.
You just hold your emotions 
And take them for a walk.

But every time I try I find new things I just don't know. 
Im like an audience member that became the main show.
Just cause I hold my head up, doesn't mean I fucking know
Anything that I'm supposed to know!

Like how to push my breath into people and not destroy.
Make love to myself in the fog of everything unknown. 
Will I ever stop turning myself to stone?
I don't even know how to be a girl or a boy. 

So yeah, I wish,
I wish I could smile like you.
I just show my teeth 
Like a fucking fool.

Until they disappear
Like they always do.
I'm the distance that
Won't sustain life like you.