Dit jaar

Dit is een jaar van ruïnes.

Een afbrokkeling van het constante,

het verzekerde, de gewenning en

herkenning.

Een symboliek van verleden tijd.

Een samenkomst van onzekerheid.

Het breken van breinen,

en harten.

Mijne en de jouwe,

de hare en de hunne.

Dit is een jaar van eindes, 

abrupt en voortdurend. 

Wonden die

emoties oproepen

en mij opeens de adem

en de kracht in mijn knieën benemen.

De verlies een verandering

(teveel teveel verandering) 

van tijden waarvan ik dacht dat ze

altijd hetzelfde zouden blijven.

Dit is een jaar van een rouw,

en het is met reden dat

rouw en rauw hetzelfde klinken.

Hoe anders

kan ik het gevoel beschrijven 

dat tot in mn botten gaat 

en zich daar thuis laat voelen?

Nooit meer komt terug 

wat vanzelfsprekend was.

Behalve mijn tranen.

Dit is een jaar dat niet de mijne is.

Ik heb het afgeschreven en

aan de wind teruggegeven.

Een ritueel om de goden te eren

hopend voor rust in mijn brein.

Voor nu laat de rest van dit jaar 

aan mij voorbij gaan.

Laat mij slapen.

Als een beer,

wachtend op een nieuw jaar.

Hit

Clack your heels and close your eyes.

Maybe it will bring you to fantasy land.

We'll be Dorothy and you the hurricane,

bringing life, as we know it, to a still stand.

It's the same thing on repeat. 

In you come whirling bringing 

chaos along. And I need you to see

that the defeat in our eyes are

tears we were meant to be crying. 

The way we can't process

any feelings made out of anger

has me revoking my own sanity,

for the sake of yours. There is 

no way that will end the hurt.

You like to punch in windows

than complain that you got cut,

forcing yourself through openings

that you yourself had barred.

That you yourself had locked.

If you need our lips bleeding, 

you already got your wish.

We let you hurt and burn

to your hearts content and positioned 

ourselves to take every hit.

Blue eyes lined our faces.

As you deemed it not enough,

you angled for another punch.

With a shovel and a dig,

You buried everyone's love.

You didn't lose us, you lost your patience. 

This isn't a fairytale in which it all get repaired magically.

Blood is very hard to get out of the carpet.

And shiny red heels are hard to come by, you see.

Rubbed raw

If I asked you for a minute,

will you give me your time?

I wished I used to believe them

when they said that time flies.

I have lost so many seconds 

chasing the idea of forever

but now I no longer recognise

what's happened to my life.

There's a scream stuck in my throat 

and it's leaving me choked.

I hit the floor bleeding out 

the words I never spoke.

Holding on to expired things like

the advice I wanted to ask for.

Losing myself in the depth of everything

until I no longer float.

~And I can't feel.

And I can't feel.

And I can't feel. 

Is this even real?~

All I'm left with is anger,

and that is not enough.

Let me burn it down.

Let me open up.

My soul is rubbed raw like I have taken a fall.

My chest tight with everything I repressed.

I still remember a different version of you.

I scratch the memories in so I won't forget.

All of the hurt never stops weighing me down. 

I keep replaying all the things that I now regret. 

A visual of the persons we both were before.

I burn the memories in so I won't forget.

Time started to chase me

and it has me captured now.

I can't escape the truth of it all

when pinned to the ground. 

No matter what I do,

I can't escape the hurt

and the things that changed.

Please. I want out.

Every time I turn my back, the rollercoaster restarts.

Everything moves so fast and I can't keep up.

It feels like drowning in my own breath. 

I cut the memories in, in the hope it stops.

Life keeps its pace and it's moving along

as my emotions are slowly catching up. 

I don't know how much more I can take.

I sear the memories in, in the hope it stops.

~These are the things I don't know.

These are the tears that won't flow.

This is the pain that has me blocked.

These are the thoughts that left me stuck.

This is a wound that won't heal.

These are new feelings I can't feel.

This is an end to what was before.

This is a new time no one asked for.

This is not where the story stops.~

If I asked you for a minute,

will you give me your time?

I wished I used to believe them

when they said that time flies.

I have lost so many seconds 

chasing the idea of forever

but now I no longer recognise

what's happened to my life.