Tell you

 

I cannot tell you

How small it feels,

When life fits into one hand.

All of the moments,

From beginning to end.

I cannot tell you,

How scary it feels,

Not knowing where you stand.

Every day on a loop,

Every action is a demand.

I cannot tell you,

How choking it feels,

No longer knowing what can be bent.

Am I only the bruises

To which I now tend?

And I cannot tell you,

How scared I now am,

Because life feels already spent.

Every single second,

Borrowed and again lent.

Panic attack

I cannot do this again,

What is there left to say?

I cannot look beyond the precipice 

And take the plunge again

Just to keep you safe.

Not because the fall is too steep.

It's because I'm still falling

Deep in your dismay. 

I haven't come down yet.

Or up, whatever you like to call it.

I guess it depends on

Which angle you're looking from. 

Either way.

I'm still at nights spend too awake

With eyes that don't keep open during the day

Worrying about 

The next best thing you come up with.

I'm already made of panic.

I cannot keep doing this.

This exhausting excitement has its way.

With all the fucked up scenarios 

That lives inside my brain.

But here we go.

Oh God I need boredom

Not hands that still shake. 

I need to, want to 

Have that nothing that

Makes you want to tear your brain away.

I'm 2 ulcers 

Shaped like your face

Away from a dirty dozen.

I hardly even repeat

My favourite shows or books.

But you repeat it all every day.

You repeat it against your will.

The questions your brain can't keep up with

And the breaking of sanity.

Don't make me do this.

I think it's here to stay.

I can no longer wonder where you are.

Are you wandering?

Got lost along the way?

You repeat me every day.

Is this all that will remain?

Looping around in cycles

Never finding the way.

Just up and down,

But never ground.

Never hitting the brake. 

And I take back what I said back then.

I am a candle in the water.

I'm not build to drown to keep you safe.

I'm living in my own head

Keeping my own dark at bay.

Now pause, babe.

I'm not doing this again.

You can't do this again.

Neither of us can keep up.

No, we need to stop doing this.

It's no longer give and take.

I am not the one to take that hit.

I'm too leaky to shelter you from the rain.

Worrying about whatever you do next.

Worrying about all of it.

It's hard enough to keep myself sane.

The black eyes you create. 

I'm still fingering the bruises

Every day. 

Picking my split lips (bloody).

Forced to watch out how this will play

Out, tragedy like Shakespeare. 

I am not made

For this. 

I wish help was on the way.

Instead I got reasons for my poetry. 

And you get being failed again.

God, they failed you again.

My love

Even that one fingertips shines more

Than you used to. Smile radiant and 

Forever plastered on it seems. I am

In love with you and I want more.

You are in love with life and you want

Everything. And babe if it were up to me

I will give you the entire world. You see,

It needs a star, so it's you they want.

A shining star I gladly share if there is one

Thing I'm can keep just for me. Late night 

Whispers between sheets and twilight.

All the things that makes you the one.

Sane

 

Is being lost in memory the flavour of this season?

Because I can tell you, I do not like the taste.

I already know how they laid my youth to waste.

I do not care to get lost in their reasons.

Do I have to put my wandering mind on ice?

So I can cool the thoughts that bring me back.

I rather enjoy my life filled with things it lacks.

No more manipulation and no more lies.

You do not deserve to be remembered at all.

But those that hurt take up all the space.

Keeping the past right there in its place.

So I hope daily that they will fall.

I wish I could find where you hide yourself away.

And if I had a choice you would disappear.

But you’re stuck in my existence it appears.

And I am left wondering if I will ever be sane.

December day

Broken fingers on display,

I am spelling my misfortune out.

Something broke inside my brain 

And I lost the ability to cry.

That cold day in December,

Turned my body into a cage.

And to make sure that I remember,

Thinking is all that I can do.

I no longer know how to get through the day.

I no longer know how to find the words.

And every day stays exactly the same,

While it rains inside my head.

I think

I'm depressed. 

Power

Is my body not enough 

If it isn't touched

The way yours is touched?

Did their fingers leave a mark?

A scent I can't get rid off?

Is my body not asking

For me to dig my fingers in?

To find a way to bring

Your soul to an uprising?

I also am not free of sin,

At least according to them.

I think a lot about that.

How they say I'm not heaven send.

And you are here to tell

I can't send you to heaven

As well just of what I am.

Not the right way of Not man.

Funny that.

The only difference 

Between you and them?

Power.

severe ME day

The calendar has changed its time.

Another day passed in this consuming fire.

The planet has changed position but not I.

I'm rusted into bed watching daylight 

Slow dancing with the night. 

I wake my mind with my new desires.

Just to live another day with the same plans.

And sometimes I think I might be liar

Because I want my body to be lying.

God, it feels like slowly dying.

Ideas turn to ashes in my head,

Colours are bleeding out of my hands. 

Sometimes my mouth tastes like death 

And I'm not really living a life.

Just a very prolonged goodbye.

All the things I want snatched away.

And although I cannot abide the silence,

My mouth chews the words I want to say.

Am I truly rotting away my life?

Just existing waiting my time?

But life won't catch up to the years.

No matter how good I am at standing still

And waiting, I'm not breathing life into my fears

If it is simply the reality that I live.

I'm holding out for a wish.