I can't control this

Life wrote another limbo and for what?

You want me strong, well I am not.

You want me growing, I am no plant.

But no matter how much I say I can't,

I'll water myself with my tears.

Ontsnappen

Handen dansen voor mijn gezicht.

Ik herinner me de vlekken die de verf achterliet.

Zachte bewegingen terwijl ik lig.

Soms voelt het alsof het enige wat ik doe is liggen.

Er is niets nieuws tussen zon op 

en zon neer en ik herken elke seconde.

De tijd is het enige wat niet stopt,

hoe hard ik er ook om vraag.

Even een moment om adem te happen.

Even een seconde voor acceptatie.

Ik weet dat ik niet kan ontsnappen.

Maar even, even zonder pijn.

Ik zoek mijn heil tussen de woorden.

Tussen de bladzijde en mijn pen.

Waar ik mijn emoties heb waarborgen.

Pijn omgebogen tot een creatie.

Ik zoek mezelf tussen stiften en papier.

Tussen de kleuren die iets vertellen.

Ik mis de simpliciteit en het plezier

van ongeremd mezelf terugvinden.

De kunst en ik, ooit onbevangen,

nu elk moment voorzichtig afgewogen.

Nog kan het altijd weer afhangen

van de staat waarin ik mijzelf bevind.

Mijn spontaniteit afgenomen, en langzaam

sterft inspiratie in notitieboekjes.

Onafgemaakte werken die eenzaam

verborgen raken onder het stof. 

Maar in m'n brein staat de hemel nog open.

In m'n brein vuren de neuronen erop los.

Dat is mij nog lang niet afgenomen. 

Ik ben de geheime kunstenaar.

Elke creatie gecreëerd, verwarmt mijn benen. 

Elke tekening een pil tegen de pijn.

En van mijn kruin tot aan mijn tenen,

zal ik altijd een dichter blijven.

Zal ik altijd zelf kunst zijn.

You're a nothing man

It's you against me now.

I have to admit,

I knew it would come to this.

You’re not surprising.

You think you own the world.

Bow down to me.

You want me on my knees

But I am not fallen.

Not here to lick your heels.

To fill your lust.

I leave you in the dust.

You think you can make me?

But baby you are no Saphho,

You demand my pen.

You are just a man.

False Gods renewed.

Let us wage the war you crave.

You demand silence.

I will never offer obedience.

I will just give you these words.

Fuck you. You are nothing.

Kings fall the hardest.

Thrones crumble down the loudest.

And so do men, time and time again.

Old memories

Old memories drift up

Like oil and slick, I'm stuck

In the mud and debris, no give and 

I find myself reliving.

You. Not always you.

But you this time.

Always there to take center

Stage, spotlight, shine.

(There we go)

(Back again)

Got to say that I'm confused. 

I hold my soul and it is bruised.

I got to say that I don't get it.

I got to say that I am panicked.

You said I could hold your hand 

But all I've touched is back.

You say you speak for me

But only the silence speaks.

You're always the difficult one if you speak up.

A strong opinion and you disrupt.

Maybe you're right and I'm too much.

Is this what it is, my friend?

A bit difficult and it's me that's bad.

A shiney backbone and that's too bad.

Can't build peace if I don't offer my head

On a plate.

Maybe you're right that I'm inpatient.

But maybe I'm not wrong that it's wrong, 

It sits heavy on my stomach and you let it.

It sits heavy on my tongue.

Maybe you're right that I'm too demanding.

Maybe you're right, I have too many feelings.

But maybe why, Am I the only one that is

Not allowed to have feelings?

And why isn't it ok to express them?

Why is it always too much?

I feel you want this to be shelved

And forgotten,

But I think maybe I want better for myself.

So am I too much

Just because

I express what I need,

What went wrong,

Do I take too long

To forget?

Am I the breaking of peace?

Is that what you see?

So am I the one

That need to undo

What's been done,

Shut my eyes 

And just lie,

Say that I’m fine?

I am breaking inside of me.

That's what you don't see.

Why do I need to fix what's been done to me?

Why do I need to be silent in the name of harmony?

Why do I need get all the why's of the others,

And why when it's my turn it's why bother?

I open my eyes and I remember.

All the damage you did long ago.

You left my life and it's for the better.

But I still carry it in my bones.

I carry it in heart palpitations.

I carry it every time I am insecure.

You said you made my life better.

You should’ve been less sure.

(You got it so twisted.

When I close my ears,

I still hear it.)

The way I'm never small enough,

Never soft enough, never still enough,

Never calm enough, never enough to love, 

Just never ever ever enough. 

Old memories taught me well. 

And some days I still curse myself.

But most days I just am myself.

Proudly loud and overwhelmed. 

So loud it makes my mother proud.

Misunderstood

Your words mean nothing. 

Truth travels fast.

I spent the day following

The sound of

Splintering hearts.

It all means nothing.

Who you were in the past.

You said you understood

What we went through.

Guess not. 

You're so entangled up into who I used to be. 

How am I going to uncomplicate it?

I don't know how to feel.

I cannot dissociate myself into forgetting

The new example you have been setting. 

Now you'll be the hurt we will be healing.

Now you're the one tramping on our feelings.

Ripped stitches that held everything in place,

Has left me wondering about your true face.

It isn't really that complicated, you know.

You believe in our stories or you don't.

You cannot hold my hand 

And not hold my truth. 

In the end everything 

Meant absolutely 

Nothing to you.

To hell

Big words are easy when you have power.

Mouths run easy when you feel safe.

Protection that will cost you by the hour.

No one will tell you how to behave.

(Shame)

That spit flies easy if you're on the mountain.

Sleep as long as the distance between them.

I'm sure you spend your time lying.

I spend them dreaming of the end.

(Not mine)

And when it's you staring down the barrel of a gun

Do you think: “Oh we had a great run”?

Do you think: “Oh but we had so much fun”?

“Wonder if I can take my money along.”

(To hell)

Soul

It starts

Like it always starts. 

Open hearts, 

Pushed down.

What was the moment

We fell

Down into the pits, 

Hard into the well?

Dirth rising above us.

Swallowing, teeth bared.

I can hear them shouting.

See those who cared,

Turned their backs

In silence.

Walk away like violence.

And things are always 

Escalating, always, always,

Always violating.

I can't escape that.

And I won't try to.

It's leaving people behind.

Can't carry them in my mind,

And I need you, 

I need you, 

I need you to

Understand.

You try to steal our rainbow,

Try to steal our light.

To lose us in the beating. 

A perpetual night.

I feel lost without them.

I feel lost in the loss.

So alone

In the loud,

Loud sound of stone,

Rising up where once 

The colourful people 

Danced.

Now a farewell dance.

Now a dance with dead.

Nothing will stop us,

But you want to try,

See if you can.

And I can't lie.

My tears flow to freely

For that, For them.

You come with the tide.

Like a flood,

I just need to ebb.

You're a lot.

But you're not enough.

To stop.

To stop.

To stop

The coming rage. 

The coming storm.

Are you done?