Entangled

I'd rather do nothing together,

Than travel the world and be apart.

If we can just lie still here together,

If it will calm your storming heart.

I'd rather have silence together,

Let us be who we want to be.

Why try to fit ourselves into spaces

That aren't made for you or me.

I'd rather just be us together,

And feel safe in the comfort we share.

Life's already so fucking complicated. 

I'm happy just sharing the same air.

The fight intensifies (a break before the storm)

I'm not sure how much more I can take.

The pressure keeps risen and I feel the breaks

In the way I am keeping myself together.

The panic attacks are filling up my days.

I feel the pain keenly and I'm not okay. 

It feels like people are waiting for me to break.

Not sure why because I was made broken

And the madness will never go away.

All the edges of me have already frayed,

And it is not anger, you see, I'm afraid.

It always ends with my heart broken

If I destroy the walls that I made.

Goddammit I am in such a state.

Wipe the tears with my thumb, dry my face.

I have always known what to do now,

Write a poem and go on with my day.

Glue

I wish I could forget that it happened.

Swallow it all down. 

Bury it in my stomach and let it fester.

Ignore it as it keeps coming up like stomach acid.

Ignore it as it keeps coming up like panic.

I'm always a little terrified.

But I like to hide it under verbosity. 

Ignore it as I plaster on the smile you see.

I am counting on my mask to set me free. 

Even if I'm a little cracked,

Even if it's always split in the middle.

No amount of broken cannot be hidden.

The hurt still comes out unbidden.

I can't keep it all stitched in.

Like the tears that drip from cheek to neck.

This is how I spilled and I won't take it back.

Between teeth

I want to be able to keep the words in my mouth,

Taste the vowels as they come out.

But now I weave sound

With panic

And I lose my verbs between the gap in my teeth.

In the taste of iron as my gums start to bleed.

Never once a single deed

Goes unpunished.

Every time my words go I am overcome with fear.

Will I be the next to also disappear? 

Everything already feels unclear,

My health shakey. 

So excuse me as I don't always verbalise well,

And every thought I have makes my brain swell.

I'm trying so hard to be able to tell

Why I'm hurting.

To the test

Gotta break it. 

Gotta paint it just right.

Tell my story 

Or else you just might

Take my lifeline.

Take the way I just might

Have a breath now.

So I can do the things right

And maybe survive. 

Strike the right tone

It's simply the wrong volume

They say.

Got to be soft and tender

It's no longer about the words I say

Or the message I convey.

It's always the same tale.

People getting lost in the tone.

And simply without fail

I become a lesson to be learned

(But they never want to).

The way I shape my vowels 

Around my consonants 

In my mouth.

An exclamation mark too many.

Simply too loud.

The way I swallow words

Down with my spit 

Just to burn the hurt

Right out with my stomach acid

(But it never becomes delicate enough).

The way my existence is too present,

And the way silence was implied. 

Expected to be stuffed 

Back into my intestines 

To be digested 

Until I can lie

And say all is fine.

All is well.

Can't you tell?

Never meant to break 

Your image of yourself.

I'm right here, spit me back up.

I never was easy going down.

Everyone needs to be reaffirmed now 

That they are a good person.

I guess that is all that matters.

I guess this is what we care about.

It's settled.

Who cares that people can still hurt my feelings.

I'm all but stone in people's minds.

Fuck, you can still hurt my feelings. 

Especially when they get denied

(But they'll say they didn't).

Cycle

If you let them

Do unto others 

What is done unto them 

Will the cycle ever end

And not start anew?