Hurt

I'm at that point of healing,

That my truth gets paired with irrational feelings,

The inability to read context clues,

Or translate the meaning

Of what you are saying.

It's the understandable consequence

Of having your perception flipped upside down. 

I thought I understood 

And I was understood but in a sense 

I simply never knew.

It really really hurt me

And it bend everything that I thought I knew.

A comfort and a feeling of security 

That apparently outgrew

Actually being secure

That day

First thought that day.

Can I count how much I said I love you?

Cause a million times is still not enough, ok.

I need time to remedy it.

Second thought.

I should share this with you.

And then I remember that I cannot.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Third thought in sight.

Please please please please please.

Oh please please please please be alright.

Please please please PLEASE.

Broken dreams like shattered plates

On the floor with my memories.

Hope and fear were warring for first place,

But panic had taken over.

Only now I can finish this poem.

Only now I can write this down.

My mind still scattered and ready to blow.

Realisation finally setting in.

Shatter

I feel like I'm choking.

When will my breath come back?

My mouth can not open.

Will I drown in all of it?

God this fucked my brain up.

I know that things won't change.

But I'm panicking and I can't stop.

What if I'm too late?

I rather hide than heal. 

It's the only way to cope with a crisis.

I rather skip this song then feel.

Lie to myself to feel better.

But I cannot stop the breaking.

Once the cracks come, they keep going.

And if I keep pushing it all in.

I'll shatter under the pressure.

Got to say

I got to say I feel my trust is broken.

I got to say, I turned quite paranoid.

I keep on watching over my shoulder,

Expecting another dagger to fill the void.

I really thought I knew things.

That I had my life all figured out. 

I feel shattered and unsupported.

That simple knowing, now filled with doubt.

I have a feeling that this is not me.

No I know, but not how to change. 

This has made me goddamn suspicious,

This has altered something in my brain.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop,

Another edition to the pairs that did.

I got to say, yes this has changed me.

I almost broke myself just to fit.

Sour panic

The taste of a panic attack.

Every night I wake up to

The sensation of falling onto the bed.

I can't keep up.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overstimulated.

My thoughts won't stop.

My heart is racing.

It's catching up on me.

The way things  

Slotted out of place.

And I can't be

The person I want to be.

I am trying to bury it down deep.

Every time I remember 

My thoughts get away from me.

This is scaring me beyond belief.

I don't want to lose myself 

To the emotions and the grief.

The taste of a panic attack.

Bitter and salty on the tongue

Like the sweat on the back of my neck.

I'm one step closer. 

To that cliff I remember. 

That fall I won't forget.

I feel I should get over

It but I just can't.

I'm one step away

From being commited

To that familiar feeling 

Of always fail-

ing to keep hold of me.

Yeah, I think I am losing it.

Sliding back into the state 

Of racing thoughts and disillusionment.

The taste of a panic attack.

Like the scream trapped in my throat.

That background noise of continuous stress. 

I can't stop this panic attack. 

Too much has happened 

And I can't get those days back.

(Stop thinking about it stop thinking about it stop thinking about it stop thinking about it)

The taste of a panic attack.

The world is too loud too bright and

I cannot take much more of that.

I need the world to stop.

Please just let me heal.

Heart beats like it's a race.

How can I keep up?

This is way too much.

I feel way too much.

I wish I remembered how to breathe. 

Emote

Time is catching up on me,

Sadness creeping in.

I spend my days running, 

But now as I'm standing still

Life is breaking up on me,

Everything is changing fast.

I got to say that I feel lost 

Trying to make sense of it all.

I feel the weight of it now.

I feel just way too much.

My skin burns under the touch

Of emotions running rampant. 

I feel the weight of it all.

I feel the pressure to crack.

And there is simply no turning back

To what was before.

They didn't mean it

They didn't mean that. 

They didn't mean what they said.

They just had a beer or two.

You know how they are, always the fool.

They didn't mean to call you names. 

Why take it seriously, are you not ashamed?

They didn't mean it the way you think they did.

Why take it seriously, forget about it!

I am sure they never really said that.

And if they did, they didn't mean it like that.

You know they always have a good intentions. 

I'm getting sick of you creating tensions. 

I really thought you knew them better, you know.

I'm disappointed in YOU, why don't you let it go.

They didn't mean to touch your hair. 

It was just a grazing, why do you care.

They didn't mean to discriminate.

If it was even that, they're unable to hate.

They didn't mean to touch you that way.

It was just to move you out of the way.

It was meant to be innocent. 

Weird that this is what gets you all bend.

No they didn't mean to do that thing.

They were just partying.

They didn't mean to rape or assault.

It was always just accidental.

They didn't mean to not hire you, 

And they didn't mean to fire you.

They didn't mean to call you a slur.

They didn't mean to misgender you, sir.

They didn't mean to ignore what you said.

So now I will too, so don't you forget

That it's important you know they didn't mean it.

So let me remind you of this:

They didn't mean to turn your world upside down.

So why are you being so loud?