Rituals

Exhale

Exhale.

Remember to exhale. 

The whirlwind of emotions 

Have no place to escape 

If you hold your breath.

I know you are just going through the motions.

But you have to swallow 

If only to keep things down.

To keep things out like that. 

No one will die 

If you take a breather. 

You not existing 

Won't make the end not come closer.

You don't have power like that. 

You're barely resisting

Your mind.

You're not the one to fight 

With life 

And win.

You can count all the bottles 

And then move to the floorboards 

And repeat it if you lost your place.

It won't throttle 

The buzzing.

It will just cramp up your face.

Anyway no one is winning. 

And everything will still 

Feel like a mistake. 

So you've got no choice anyway. 

If you count something, then count 

Your exhale, 

Then exhale.

Feel free to make it loud.

Maybe you remember then 

You're still alive.

Before you turn to counting the knives

And other rituals.

I won't be made unaware

I'm dealing with so many types of grief.

It takes hold of my brain and my only relief 

Is pretending my world has not burned to a crisp.

Cause I don't know how to deal with this.

I don't know how to give it space.

I'm overwhelmed and somewhat stuck in my place.

I'm doom thinking with nothing better to do.

There's no coming down of my mindset too.

Everything is demanding that I make room to heal.

But I rather hold on to all the thing that I feel.

I rather hold on cause it makes me feel prepared

In case something else hit and I'm unaware.

I really hoped life would give me a break.

There's only so much shit I can take.

There's only so tears I can bleed.

I need air and I forgot how to breathe. 

My undead dad

I was so afraid that she would die,

That I locked myself in my brain.

I have found different ways to cry,

And so many new forms of anger.

I can't count them on my vingers…..

You should be dead first, dad.

The grave has been calling your name.

Grim reaper has a list that

Has your name underlined on it.

In the end it always comes down to you.

It's always your fault and you know it too.

You look at our needs to know what not to give.

I'm afraid of what life will take and yet you still live

Your unnecessary life.

There's not a single reason that I know

That this is the way things should go.

It's a disruption to the state of the things.

I have written about your ending 

So many times.

So yeah,

You should go first.

It's the only way to heal my hurt.

You before her.

Send us a postcard from the dirt.

And if everything you know turns to ash

It's me who lit it up, I want you to know that.

And if your entire life finally turns to black,

Know that you can never take back

Your rotten soul.

Cause,

Yes, you should be gone.

Wtf is taking you so long.

All of this is wrong.

You're poisoning the pond.

I will make sure you go first.

I will hunt your guilt to make sure.

I hope you already taste the dirt.

I hope it will fucking hurt.

But one day you won't outrun it.

One day you need to catch your breath.

And I will be the one way waiting.

No longer will I be patient.

There's no such thing like borrowed time.

You stole our years and I want them back.

All of my terrors were yours, 

Now yours will be mine. 

Run…..

Morning

I'm afraid to sleep.

Yeah you don't need to tell me it's a need.

But if I fall to deep,

Will I wake up when the world needs me?

I'd rather creep the darkness.

If I'm always tired, I can pretend to feel less.

I'm a mess.

I will spend all my tears right into the silence.

What they don't see, they don't know.

I get to keep myself for me alone.

And if you came to me for a show.

Just go. I won't. 

Mourning has the sky painted red.

I trace my tears right back into my head.

As the night falls away, I return my mask.

Don't need strangers knowing what has me upset.

Bone tired

I don't want to open my door

To those who shouldn't be strangers

And stare into the gaslight.

I just want to sleep through the night

And not feel like dying anymore. 

I don't want to simply break my back 

Because no one believes I'm bending.

I don't want to move myself aside. 

Feel free to believe it's me unwilling to fight,

Or unready to take a stand.

I'm too exhausted to contemplate your demons.

Small

Small.

Suddenly she was so small.

A fragment of herself,

Locked in and shelved,

Like I almost didn't know her at all.

I could feel my breath stall.

An image burned into my eyeballs.

A force to be reckoned with,

Now a light they dimmed,

Bracing for another fall.

And in my head

Everything thundered down all

At once.

And in my head

I feel the breaking 

Of things that don't belong.

And in my head

Everything I am feels wrong.

And in my head 

A rage rages on.

God I'm so angry and I cannot stop.

Who shall I call on, on which door to knock?

To whom's God complex shall I lodge a complaint?

Why are you fuckers suddenly hidden away?

Goddamnit, this feels like theft,

How you fed on her insecurities and then left nothing left.

I think you should be fucking punished for it.

I think you need a fucking taste of this.

You got an opportunity to leave everything the same. 

You had an opportunity to keep people safe.

But this wasn't ever about what is right,

This was always about you feeling you're right. 

This was all about your fucking feelings of might.

And I hate that you can still sleep at night.

You are all the things that I found out I dislike.

A self congratulatory white coat I want to fight.

A self congratulatory white coat I want to burn away. Doctor.

As I repeat back everything you like to say. Doctor.

And then you think everything is OK. Doctor.

What the hell did you have to gain. By this. 

Oh why?

Can someone explain why

I didn't recognise her eyes.

That faraway look,

It felt like a lie.

But the truth for sure

Is reality hurts

All the time.

It disconnects my life.

It discombobulates my mind.

Hippocratic oath, be fucking damned.

Doing what you can was too much of a demand.

Every way to fix it, you had it all in your hands.

You dropped the fucking ball, then called it out of your hands.

You can brush yourself off and still pat your own back.

Then turn a sympathetic face on and ignore what you lack.

Ignore all the criticisms and ignore all your faults, Like

It was all just fine and it's making my blood spike.

I really want you to feel what I feel and all I feel is panic.

The loss is overwhelming and it's making me manic.

I no longer sleep cause I fear something will go wrong.

So I hide away my dreams and wake up with the sun.

And the pain is overwhelming, I feel so depressed. 

I try to keep it together but fuck I'm a mess.

And I'm drowning, I am drowning, Fuck I'm so sad.

You should have fucking listened to her, even I knew that.

Distraught.

All I am is distraught.

Even her voice changed

Into something she is not.

You made the invincible 

Into something invisible

To your eyes, doc.

Everything I knew

And everything I thought

Changed.

Small.

Suddenly she was so small.

She used to be invincible.

Can you tell me why,

You shot a hero from the sky?

And never realises it was your fault?

Do you still sleep at night?

Leave your worries behind?

We'll never be able.

Truly. Fuck you all.

Sit with me.

Can I leave something with you?

Can I leave something behind?

I need to breathe for a second,

Cause I'm going out of my mind.

Can I sit for a minute?

Can I take in some air?

Just to release some panic,

Then I'm out of your hair.

I just need a moment 

And then I'm good to go.

Just let me cry a little,

No one needs to know. 

Thank you for the space,

For the moment of release.

I need to go now cause

Life doesn't seem to ease.