Electrified

Electricity.

I'm electrified.

My mind is on fire and

I can't form a thought.

Long zaps 

go from my brain,

across my skull,

across my back,

across my limbs.

Painful movement 

that is screaming. 

I can't scream. 

Or form words.

I can remember to breathe 

but all my energy

is going into 

regulating.

I can't cope

with the shaking

movements under my skin. 

I'm drowning.

I think I'm drowning 

in the air.

Into deep

Tw, SA reliving, no details

Why has night become the moment 

for you to haunt me? 

Does me lying here waiting 

for a sleep that evades me 

remind my body of those moments 

that I had to be still?

Memories roll like a cascade 

of stone down the hill

and there's no stopping them 

going out of control. 

Every night has become a night

I remember something more.

There were days that I struggled 

with all the things I forgotten.

But starting to remember

has become a lot and

my body feels like it 

spinning out of control. 

My heart rate spikes.

I become pure cortisol. 

Panic set in. I can't 

stop my mind from racing.

Oh god, I can't stop

thinking.

And then,

I remember.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember

and remember,

and remember, 

and remember,

and remember.

Stop.

I'm into deep.

Please. 

I just want to sleep.

You suck

And if I remember you,

it's with fear in my heart.

Not a child's love. 

I remember touch.

Holidays don't matter.

Nor Christmas meals,

or celebrations.

It's the behind closed doors

that lingers.

You haven't given me

everything I needed.

You weren't a good person 

cause I wasn't safe.

You were only well behaved 

in front of an audience. 

In the end,

all you are is a mask.

You won't do anything 

if it doesn't benefit.

A good reputation 

doesn't erase my memories.

They still keep me up at night.

No escape

No escape. 

There's a fire.

In my brain.

In my lungs.

No escape.

There's a fire.

Something's wrong. 

Something’s wrong.

No escape.

There's a fire. 

I am scared.

I am smoke.

No escape.

There's a fire.

I'm alone.

I'm alone.

No escape. 

There's a fire.

I can't move.

I can't breathe.

No escape. 

There's a fire.

I need help.

Please help me.

No escape. 

There's a fire.

It's too late.

It's too late.

No escape. 

There's a fire.

No escape. 

No escape.

Ground up

I have been carrying you in my stomach.

The way your breathing feels like stone.

Inhaling with such toxic violence. 

Exhaling death like it's smoke.

Your existence lands like fistfalls. 

Black eyes remembered in your screams.

You make me feel so goddamn closed in.

God, you must feel like you're so sleek.

I have come to despise you. 

Yes, I'm easy to hate.

But this deep visceral loathing

deserves its own space. 

So I grind my teeth with determination,

imagining you in between.

The release of all my feelings 

will be the best thing the world have seen.

Remembrance

It has been silent since you left

and I can’t cope.

The lack of movement in this house

has me destroyed.

I keep looking over

expecting the views to change.

But everything remains

eerily the same.

My eyes trace the spot

where your body was warm.

My feet stay rooted 

right into the floor.

Unable to move,

unable to change. 

Hoping if I don't blink

i'll see you again. 

My mind doesn't hold 

the things that I know.

I can't hold back time

and keep it from its flow.

Life has lost and 

now you're gone.

Everything feels 

off kilter and wrong.

You're no longer making

imprints in my bed.

Footprints that now run

inside of my head.

I hope that you remember

how you were loved.

I hope that I remember 

that I was deeply loved.

Buried

Why do people think I hold it together

When all I do is fall apart?

Hiding my thoughts deep in the shadows,

Picking at the stitches in my heart.

Why do people think I'm not broken

When the cracks show all over me?

But I've been buried right in the open

Hidden where I can't be seen

(Or interacted with).