Trauma response

It was just a dream, 

I keep telling myself.

But it's that taste of memory

that send me straight to hell.

There is a sea between us now.

A thousand mountains too.

And still your presence haunts me,

the way your fists used to do.

I was a battery that you could keep draining,

Now I fear the dark when I am alone.

And I'm sure that it all feels very entertaining,

The snakes in your words have willed me to stone.

I'm tired of feeling like I need to be strong,

Like my core isn't weak and my edges rough.

Every time I didn't catch you, you strung me along.

You made me believe I'm unworthy of love.

Take me off this ride, 

You don't need a passenger. 

You just want an audience. 

That is what you crave.

Take me off this ride, 

I'm no willing sacrifice. 

Someone to shift all the blame too

every time you misbehave.

You can no longer pilot me

into a hard crash landing

or angle me to take the brunt.

I'll be the last one standing 

and father, you'll be done.

I'm not the one.

Live or die

Some days I wish 

I was less depressed,

out of my head and obsessed.

Counting objects in my brain,

counting ways to die. 

Sometimes I wish I was more stable,

My mind has been feeling

so unbearable and fatal.

Whispering things from

one side to the next.

I have become 

my worst enemy, 

an endless ocean of hypocrisy. 

Dissociating from one day 

to the next.

My fragile mind has been shattered, 

I no longer feel 

that my life has mattered.

All I have done is waiting.

Waiting to finally live or die.

Electrified

Electricity.

I'm electrified.

My mind is on fire and

I can't form a thought.

Long zaps 

go from my brain,

across my skull,

across my back,

across my limbs.

Painful movement 

that is screaming. 

I can't scream. 

Or form words.

I can remember to breathe 

but all my energy

is going into 

regulating.

I can't cope

with the shaking

movements under my skin. 

I'm drowning.

I think I'm drowning 

in the air.

Into deep

Tw, SA reliving, no details

Why has night become the moment 

for you to haunt me? 

Does me lying here waiting 

for a sleep that evades me 

remind my body of those moments 

that I had to be still?

Memories roll like a cascade 

of stone down the hill

and there's no stopping them 

going out of control. 

Every night has become a night

I remember something more.

There were days that I struggled 

with all the things I forgotten.

But starting to remember

has become a lot and

my body feels like it 

spinning out of control. 

My heart rate spikes.

I become pure cortisol. 

Panic set in. I can't 

stop my mind from racing.

Oh god, I can't stop

thinking.

And then,

I remember.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember

and remember,

and remember, 

and remember,

and remember.

Stop.

I'm into deep.

Please. 

I just want to sleep.

You suck

And if I remember you,

it's with fear in my heart.

Not a child's love. 

I remember touch.

Holidays don't matter.

Nor Christmas meals,

or celebrations.

It's the behind closed doors

that lingers.

You haven't given me

everything I needed.

You weren't a good person 

cause I wasn't safe.

You were only well behaved 

in front of an audience. 

In the end,

all you are is a mask.

You won't do anything 

if it doesn't benefit.

A good reputation 

doesn't erase my memories.

They still keep me up at night.

No escape

No escape. 

There's a fire.

In my brain.

In my lungs.

No escape.

There's a fire.

Something's wrong. 

Something’s wrong.

No escape.

There's a fire. 

I am scared.

I am smoke.

No escape.

There's a fire.

I'm alone.

I'm alone.

No escape. 

There's a fire.

I can't move.

I can't breathe.

No escape. 

There's a fire.

I need help.

Please help me.

No escape. 

There's a fire.

It's too late.

It's too late.

No escape. 

There's a fire.

No escape. 

No escape.

Ground up

I have been carrying you in my stomach.

The way your breathing feels like stone.

Inhaling with such toxic violence. 

Exhaling death like it's smoke.

Your existence lands like fistfalls. 

Black eyes remembered in your screams.

You make me feel so goddamn closed in.

God, you must feel like you're so sleek.

I have come to despise you. 

Yes, I'm easy to hate.

But this deep visceral loathing

deserves its own space. 

So I grind my teeth with determination,

imagining you in between.

The release of all my feelings 

will be the best thing the world have seen.