Recognise

I no longer recognise my fingers.

They have fallen silent on my hands.

Their battery has emptied,

Lost connection to my head. 

I no longer recognise my thoughts. 

They're like those earbuds with a chord.

Those you put neatly into your pocket, 

Only to surface in discord.

I recognise my feelings

But too many of them are left unwrung,

Without writing about it

To put breath back into my lungs.

I recognise my heartbreak, 

I just didn't expect to be here again.

The sting hasn't come out yet

Will it happen once more then?

A body beyond repair.

A story book left open-ended.

I'm trying hard to convince myself

That the me that was me hasn't ended.

A body now left sunken

And sleeping beauty will not wake.

You chose to have me broken,

And what's broken will never unbreak.

I no longer recognise my fingers 

And you no longer recognise my face.

But if it makes you feel better,

Just lie and say that it was fate. 

Ik heb geen gender, wat nu?

Ze zeggen

De afscheiding in onderbroeken heeft een gender

En de bloed op hun lippen ook.

Een vuistgevecht op een zondagochtend

En het hout op het vuur dat rookt. 

De kleur van een pen heeft een gender

En de prijs kaart van mijn shampoo.

Vrouwen houden van prijzige dingen.

Mannen zijn nu eenmaal goedkoop.

Er zit een gender naast die mot daar.

Daar in die ouwe petticoat.

En ook al in al die blazers.

En vergeet niet de maillot!

Vergeet ook niet de hem en haar pennen,

Roze hamers, de lippenstift in Rood.

Allemaal zijn tuurlijk biologisch 

Geboren genders en helemaal gewoon.

Everyone's friend

It used to be my favourite game.

To see where I could push and pull.

But I no longer untangle like strings of wool.

I unravel in the way you wanted me too.

The urge to say that I'm fine.

The urge to say everything will be OK.

Outlined against a world burning away.

Cut in smaller pieces to digest it to the fray. 

I'm with one foot in the past.

I wish I could cut it off like I cut you off.

One last burden to remind me of 

How everyone's friend couldn't love

His daughters (Anyone but himself).

What once was

Didn't you know that by the end of it all,

You couldn't give me a second 

To recognise who I was?

Didn't you think that by the end of it all

I wouldn't need another moment 

To pick up the remaining shards?

Didn't you see that by the end of all 

I hadn't an ounce of trust left

To give and share amongst you all?

But you never understood at all

That one single sorry will do nought 

To stop this flow of blood

Out of me.

Recycle

I miss the body I lived in.

The familiarity under my fingertips. 

Old memories now buried under my skin.

I can still taste the words in my mouth. 

They taste like ashes now

But used to be so easy to write down. 

I used to create worlds within these hands 

But now they dried up and turned to sand.

And I to wounds I cannot mend.

Soft tears

10 plus 10 still makes 2

But you have made your own conclusions.

I should wear your wounds for you.

And asking for any inclusion 

Is asking too much.

All is asked from you

Is to forget to spell the word ego.

But your life seems more worth than mine.

So you asked me to let it go.

To just die in silence.

All I can do is obey.

While you live your life your own way.

Consequences that I have to pay.

And you just continue your day. 

All I can do is scream.

But it's not like you would hear me.

Lives hidden between the seams.

Waiting to live so it seems.

And then I lost.

Lost the life that I got.

Given to you to take not borrow.

You won't even allow me my sorrow.

You say my life was worthless as

You use it to fill in the gaps

Of yours.

And as you close the door

To me.

To keep illusions of normalcy. 

You race my body to a finish line

Of unsteady decline.

When will it settle in my head? 

That you have me dying before I'm dead.

(Shed my tears before I'm sad.)

When will the anger take my heart? 

Before what's whole becomes what's not.

(My grief will tear my soul apart.)

When will the dust settle around me?

I have lost the feeling in my feet.

(My limbs are made of memories.)

When will it get through to you?

You are not invincible. 

You're just a gullible fool

Racing to your death

Taking me with you.

Hindsight is 2020

You have told me in many ways

That all of me means nothing.

You ignored in many ways 

My voice that was aching.

You turned your back to me

And returned right back to normal. 

Me just trying to survive 

You happily called delusional. 

You build your self esteem

Out of corpses and dust.

Being better than us 

Is all that you want.

And I am still trying to scream

Into a void of make belief.

And I am still trying to make you see.

You might be dying alongside me.

You would be happier if I died.

One last breath and eyes open wide.

Saying otherwise would be a lie.

You would be happier with me gone.

So your life could just trot along.

Living your lie wouldn't feel so wrong.

You would be happier if I stopped. 

Being healthy is all you got.

So you happily let it rot

Just to proof a point.

Did you proof your point?