Ode to friendship

I love you in the most absurd way

And you're but a mere friend

In the eyes of others.

But there's nothing  mere about you

Not for me anyway.

I can count on this simple thing we have

More than I can count on myself.

It's unasking,

Undemanding,

And forgiving.

It has more solice

Than a bottle of vodka,

More taste than the finest apetite,

And it's easier than a cigarette.

I read those words you send me

With the deepest part of my brain

And I hear every thing 

You want to tell me.

And in the silences I still know that I am known,

Unwithering,

Unforgotten.

Sometimes I might miss you,

But you remain my friend.

More than a mere friend.

I love you in the most absurd way.

I love you more than words can say.

Those many faces

There was this girl nobody  knew

A silence in her eyes

She's just another life flowing by

Between the days

And between the nights

She always pretends to be strong

Her head held up high

And she smiles when she's passing

Oh but inside her

Inside her she is dying

They all have things to do

Nobody looks at her

Nobody sees the many different faces

That are all hers

And she feels so misplaced

And she just longs to belong

A part of this society

Just to be a part of someone's heart

But she remains unnoticed

All she can do is play her part

And when she is all alone, she kills herself for everything that happened

She dies with convinction, she just wishes that the pain would end

So she simply cries

The voices in her head still screaming

Her whole body weighing heavily on the floor

Nobody there to hold her from breaking

She doesn't know who she is

Many faces make her

Hours that escape all her attention

When she's not there at all

She has been hiding inside for too long

And she tries to open herself up

With the sharpest knife

She tries everytime, just to see inside

If she is still there

To try and heal parts of her that died

She just wishes she could lose herself to the dance of life

Instead she just stands here, captured by her darkest night

Whenever she bleeds

All those sides bleed into eachother

And sometimes she is not there at all

Another me, another you, another her

She dries every tear

And she wears the scars on her soul

So softly, so  proudly and so elegantly

So that everybody can believe she's whole

But there she goes again

Falling like the silence that fell around her

Failing to believe in herself

She wishes she could take a stand

Burn the bridges between her and the hurt

With every reason that made her fell

But there she goes again

Not strong enough to pick herself up once more

She wants to lay down forever

Waiting for it all to end

All those feelings she already felt before

Yes she wants to lay down forever

I saw her, yes I saw her

This beautiful girl that nobody knew

And this girl that nobody knew

Oh I promise to hold her through and through

Until she rizes again

Until she wakes again....

Coming down

I watch you from a distance

But your silence is all that I remember

And there never was a day

That we were able to last forever

But time keeps ticking on

Here we are, here we still stand

Repeating the same old patterns

And I dance on to the beat of your demands

You want everything and then nothing at all

You like to see me climb, you like to see me fall

As I was coming down

From the high you brought me in

With still some things to spare

I came to my conclusions

When I found out you weren't there

(As always)

I know that you can't help it

But the reality of it is, neither can I

And I just want to pull you inside

Inside my mind so you can see beyond my eyes

I don't always like what I have become

So, so insecure and that's something that will show

I have to fight for everything that I have

The world is not at my feet, that's all that I know

I have to remember this is just who you are

You are always close, you are always so far, far, far,

Away

As I was coming down

From the state that I was in

So willing to finally share

I wandered the borders of your life

Realizing that I never did belong there

(But still I try)

As I was coming down

From a rollercoaster standing still

With every reason to stare

I kept on shaking, shaking things up

Just to find that no one cared

(And I believe it)

It's up and down

Round, round, round, round

Inside that head of mine

You can't read it on my face

But it's never silent inside

And you, you are a drug

My last trace

Of emotion and disillusion

You are so delightfully human

A world without a single vision

And I

I just want to taste all of it

As I was coming down

From things that once lived me up

I was overcome by this despair

That everything will be gone

These emotions are more than I can bare

You're just like all the others

You're just like all the others

You're just like all the others

And you're not the same at all

To me

Cold heartbeat

Don't let me go
I don't want to be here all alone
Don't let me stay
Nothing will get better that way

Don't hold me down
All your words are much too loud
Don't release your grip
In this moment I will let myself slip

I don't know what to do with myself
Maybe I am too far gone
I have gone deep inside my mind again
Thinking thoughts I should have left alone

There's a sadness inside my mind
One that can not easily be erased
And all of your kind words might never reach me
I was born with those tears, All the help is much too late

Don't let me heal
It's the only way that I can feel
Don't let me be hurt
I will drag you along through the dirt

Don't let me know
It hurts me too much to see it all go
Don't let me see
What the hell is wrong with me

And I am someone who thinks too much
Sometimes don't think enough
It's the way that I hurt myself 

It's the cold heartbeat behind wet glass
Always outside, always in the rain I am
Outside the world, far from people who understand
But would you believe me if I said that I would do what I can 

It's me thinking that I don't deserve this
That I am a nuisance for everybody around
And maybe it's too hard to start believing in myself
Because I am much too scared of the fall should I come down

And I am writing up a storm
Everytime I feel the sting
Of thoughts pressing on me
I wish I wasn't hurting
I wish I could show you me
And I am writing up a storm
Everytime I feel left alone
Do you even want to talk
I don't want to turn to stone
Could I ever stand proud and tall

A broken sleep with many thoughts to come
And I am still here with everything you left behind
Darkened memories of things that could have been
You might never know how many times you crossed my mind


Don't come closer
I dare you to come closer
Don't come closer
I dare you to come closer
I dare you to come closer

Victimized

A victim once
Not a victim twice
But I still hold my breath
When you are close by

And now you come
Erasing your goodbye
Without compassion
For those you victimized

The sour sting
And haunting eyes
Memories that won't fade
Over time

Breath in my troat
And I realize
There's no escape
From these lies

Oh how I wish
For your demise
But you escaped
Through the hands of time

Gebrek aan zijn

Een woord, een daad, een gefluisterde niets
Was al genoeg, waarom weet ik niet precies
Een harde woede komt nu over mij
Alles moet kapot, niets mag meer zijn

En ik weet niet meer wat ik doe
Wie ik ben, en wat ik nog meer voel
Ik ken alleen de woede in mij
De diepe schreeuw en het gebrek aan zijn

Ik haal mijn nagels langs je gezicht
Staar met blinde ogen naar het zonlicht
De rust die jij ademt maakt jou broos
En je vraagt me: Waarom ben je zo boos

Een antwoord die ik jou verschuldigd blijf
Terwijl de woede steeds dieper in mij snijd
Een schreeuw wringt zich hard naar buiten
Wanneer jouw armen om mij heen sluiten

Ik sla mijn vuisten tegen jouw borst
Vervloek jouw naam, jouw moed, jouw trots
Ik wil niet tegengehouden worden, misschien ook wel
Mijn laatste gevecht met een harde gil

En zo snel als het kwam is het ook weer weg
Geloof jij mij wanneer ik sorry zeg
De schade die ik aanbracht nu diep in mij
Als een groot verdriet en een gebrek aan zijn

Schreeuw

Ik schreeuw naar jou

Maar

Kan je niet zien

Dat ik wil dat jij mij

Vasthoud?

Shattering beauty

Her beaty stuns me
And it's just me and her
I watch her in all her frailty
Her hands hold her face in place

She falls to the floor
Her eyes wide open
I can see her tears opening doors
Inside her she wish she never had

She is screaming
As she remembers
Every single little vile thing
That they did to her in her sleep

Scratching the surface
Her heart keeps on beating
Even though she surpassed
The moment when you still feel alive

And I can't touch her
I can't hold her down
Wishing I can make her feel better
Reaching for the mask that once hid her

Her heart growing sizes
Just to hold the feelings in
Everybody tells her she just lies
When she tells them about her past

She wished to be free
Of all her emotions
But still she breaks down before me
In all her shattering beauty

Suddenly she rises up
Putting order in her messy hair
Wiping her face to make the raining stop
And she walks away like nothing ever happened

But I will never forget
What I have seen today
Masks will never carry beauty to an end
And one day my mask might break as well

I wish someone would see me like that too....

A silent leaving

Put on your best fake smile
And pretend everything is okay
This life is the greatest show
You will play in for the rest of your days

The memory perfect pictures 
The lies that tell you are insane
The differences between you and them
Are the voices that you will slowly gain

A finger pressed against your lips
Hushing every word you want to speak
It was always the same with him
And you have never felt so weak 

And you never dared to speak up, for the fear of being left
Broking into promises that were never kept

You tried screaming the truth
But that did not help
So you withdrew deep inside yourself
Putting yourself down
Putting yourself down on the shelf
(When you still believed in Maybe next time)

Now they say you don't talk
Maybe you've forgotten how
So lonely and cold where you are
And nobody comes around

But you will be fine in a minute
At least that's what you tell them
And that's what you tell yourself
Holding onto everything you can

So speak your mind, my dearest
Because I can see you fading
They always told you to be silent
Their words you shouldn't be holding

I wish you were more certain about the person you can become
I wish you weren't feeling so numb

And I would kill to break your chains
If you would let me in
Open your hands and find your voice
Because you have
Because you'll always have a choice
(And one day you will see it all)

But still you will always be leaving
To withdraw inside yourself
I hope one day it will not be in silence
Your words matter
Your dreams matter without any end
(Chasing them will make you happy)

I know what they told you
But this is not the past
You are not born to hurt everyone
There's a truth inside you
A truth that will last
And yes, I know what they told you
Inside the secret chambers of your head
But you belong to the living
People that see what you are
And listen to all the words you said

One day you will tell yourself
That you love who you are
And maybe that day will not  be today
A world smiling at you
The silent leaving of the words of yesterday
The silent leaving of the words of yesterday