Tell you

 

I cannot tell you

How small it feels,

When life fits into one hand.

All of the moments,

From beginning to end.

I cannot tell you,

How scary it feels,

Not knowing where you stand.

Every day on a loop,

Every action is a demand.

I cannot tell you,

How choking it feels,

No longer knowing what can be bent.

Am I only the bruises

To which I now tend?

And I cannot tell you,

How scared I now am,

Because life feels already spent.

Every single second,

Borrowed and again lent.

Panic attack

I cannot do this again,

What is there left to say?

I cannot look beyond the precipice 

And take the plunge again

Just to keep you safe.

Not because the fall is too steep.

It's because I'm still falling

Deep in your dismay. 

I haven't come down yet.

Or up, whatever you like to call it.

I guess it depends on

Which angle you're looking from. 

Either way.

I'm still at nights spend too awake

With eyes that don't keep open during the day

Worrying about 

The next best thing you come up with.

I'm already made of panic.

I cannot keep doing this.

This exhausting excitement has its way.

With all the fucked up scenarios 

That lives inside my brain.

But here we go.

Oh God I need boredom

Not hands that still shake. 

I need to, want to 

Have that nothing that

Makes you want to tear your brain away.

I'm 2 ulcers 

Shaped like your face

Away from a dirty dozen.

I hardly even repeat

My favourite shows or books.

But you repeat it all every day.

You repeat it against your will.

The questions your brain can't keep up with

And the breaking of sanity.

Don't make me do this.

I think it's here to stay.

I can no longer wonder where you are.

Are you wandering?

Got lost along the way?

You repeat me every day.

Is this all that will remain?

Looping around in cycles

Never finding the way.

Just up and down,

But never ground.

Never hitting the brake. 

And I take back what I said back then.

I am a candle in the water.

I'm not build to drown to keep you safe.

I'm living in my own head

Keeping my own dark at bay.

Now pause, babe.

I'm not doing this again.

You can't do this again.

Neither of us can keep up.

No, we need to stop doing this.

It's no longer give and take.

I am not the one to take that hit.

I'm too leaky to shelter you from the rain.

Worrying about whatever you do next.

Worrying about all of it.

It's hard enough to keep myself sane.

The black eyes you create. 

I'm still fingering the bruises

Every day. 

Picking my split lips (bloody).

Forced to watch out how this will play

Out, tragedy like Shakespeare. 

I am not made

For this. 

I wish help was on the way.

Instead I got reasons for my poetry. 

And you get being failed again.

God, they failed you again.