Repeat offender

Here we are again,

Backed myself into the past.

And I find I can’t stand,

I am breaking my own heart.

I press myself to heal right now

But instead I am falling apart.

I came back for my memory.

Oh I came back for my memory

And I didn’t want to

Remember me.

I run for the hills

But the light likes darkness falls

Blanket like I can’t move at all

I press for the water and find

I can’t swallow down

Sobs are choking in my mouth

My darlings can’t save me

Oh my darlings can’t hide me

I have to endure

Until it breaks me.

There is a time for everything

But my heart it can not lie.

There is a time for dying,

But I don’t want to die.

I am afraid I am forgetting this

And sacrificed it to my listlessness.

Will I turn indifferent

To my own indifference?

The black dog of despondency.

Oh the black dog of melancholy

Will never stop

Sitting on top of me.

I run for the hills

But the light likes darkness falls

Blanket like I can’t move at all

Forever repeating the cycle.

Haiku

Conversing with cats

They tell me all their stories

I answer with meow

Depression

 

I am not sure when

I remember the first time

The grayness hit my eyes

But I have not yet denied

The knowledge that it brought

To make me survive

It. Maybe I was a child,

I remember that I was so small,

But maybe I have always been small,

And my eyes were not wrinkly.

My hands were not crooked at all

But my smiles were.

The first time I felt it tickle my brain

And demand my attention.

It tickled my brain and

My redemption.

A throat filled up with

It trying to catch my breath

And wanting to choke me,

Wanting my sanity,

It felt it suited me,

For I was nothing.

I almost died.

And then I almost died again

And again and again and again

Until feeling like “I do not want

To keep on doing this” turned into

“I know how how do this and then

How to survive this” 

To turn back to ok.

Maybe the cure for my depression

Was more depression.

But I still do not want it back.

But I still fear the next return

Will end me.

So this time when sadness tears

At the corners

Fear plants its 

Own kernels.

I almost forgot the way it takes me down.

I might have forgotten what to do.

I forget the way the light looks.