Old memories

Old memories drift up

Like oil and slick, I'm stuck

In the mud and debris, no give and 

I find myself reliving.

You. Not always you.

But you this time.

Always there to take center

Stage, spotlight, shine.

(There we go)

(Back again)

Got to say that I'm confused. 

I hold my soul and it is bruised.

I got to say that I don't get it.

I got to say that I am panicked.

You said I could hold your hand 

But all I've touched is back.

You say you speak for me

But only the silence speaks.

You're always the difficult one if you speak up.

A strong opinion and you disrupt.

Maybe you're right and I'm too much.

Is this what it is, my friend?

A bit difficult and it's me that's bad.

A shiney backbone and that's too bad.

Can't build peace if I don't offer my head

On a plate.

Maybe you're right that I'm inpatient.

But maybe I'm not wrong that it's wrong, 

It sits heavy on my stomach and you let it.

It sits heavy on my tongue.

Maybe you're right that I'm too demanding.

Maybe you're right, I have too many feelings.

But maybe why, Am I the only one that is

Not allowed to have feelings?

And why isn't it ok to express them?

Why is it always too much?

I feel you want this to be shelved

And forgotten,

But I think maybe I want better for myself.

So am I too much

Just because

I express what I need,

What went wrong,

Do I take too long

To forget?

Am I the breaking of peace?

Is that what you see?

So am I the one

That need to undo

What's been done,

Shut my eyes 

And just lie,

Say that I’m fine?

I am breaking inside of me.

That's what you don't see.

Why do I need to fix what's been done to me?

Why do I need to be silent in the name of harmony?

Why do I need get all the why's of the others,

And why when it's my turn it's why bother?

I open my eyes and I remember.

All the damage you did long ago.

You left my life and it's for the better.

But I still carry it in my bones.

I carry it in heart palpitations.

I carry it every time I am insecure.

You said you made my life better.

You should’ve been less sure.

(You got it so twisted.

When I close my ears,

I still hear it.)

The way I'm never small enough,

Never soft enough, never still enough,

Never calm enough, never enough to love, 

Just never ever ever enough. 

Old memories taught me well. 

And some days I still curse myself.

But most days I just am myself.

Proudly loud and overwhelmed. 

So loud it makes my mother proud.