That day

First thought that day.

Can I count how much I said I love you?

Cause a million times is still not enough, ok.

I need time to remedy it.

Second thought.

I should share this with you.

And then I remember that I cannot.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Third thought in sight.

Please please please please please.

Oh please please please please be alright.

Please please please PLEASE.

Broken dreams like shattered plates

On the floor with my memories.

Hope and fear were warring for first place,

But panic had taken over.

Only now I can finish this poem.

Only now I can write this down.

My mind still scattered and ready to blow.

Realisation finally setting in.

Shatter

I feel like I'm choking.

When will my breath come back?

My mouth can not open.

Will I drown in all of it?

God this fucked my brain up.

I know that things won't change.

But I'm panicking and I can't stop.

What if I'm too late?

I rather hide than heal. 

It's the only way to cope with a crisis.

I rather skip this song then feel.

Lie to myself to feel better.

But I cannot stop the breaking.

Once the cracks come, they keep going.

And if I keep pushing it all in.

I'll shatter under the pressure.

Got to say

I got to say I feel my trust is broken.

I got to say, I turned quite paranoid.

I keep on watching over my shoulder,

Expecting another dagger to fill the void.

I really thought I knew things.

That I had my life all figured out. 

I feel shattered and unsupported.

That simple knowing, now filled with doubt.

I have a feeling that this is not me.

No I know, but not how to change. 

This has made me goddamn suspicious,

This has altered something in my brain.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop,

Another edition to the pairs that did.

I got to say, yes this has changed me.

I almost broke myself just to fit.

Sour panic

The taste of a panic attack.

Every night I wake up to

The sensation of falling onto the bed.

I can't keep up.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overstimulated.

My thoughts won't stop.

My heart is racing.

It's catching up on me.

The way things  

Slotted out of place.

And I can't be

The person I want to be.

I am trying to bury it down deep.

Every time I remember 

My thoughts get away from me.

This is scaring me beyond belief.

I don't want to lose myself 

To the emotions and the grief.

The taste of a panic attack.

Bitter and salty on the tongue

Like the sweat on the back of my neck.

I'm one step closer. 

To that cliff I remember. 

That fall I won't forget.

I feel I should get over

It but I just can't.

I'm one step away

From being commited

To that familiar feeling 

Of always fail-

ing to keep hold of me.

Yeah, I think I am losing it.

Sliding back into the state 

Of racing thoughts and disillusionment.

The taste of a panic attack.

Like the scream trapped in my throat.

That background noise of continuous stress. 

I can't stop this panic attack. 

Too much has happened 

And I can't get those days back.

(Stop thinking about it stop thinking about it stop thinking about it stop thinking about it)

The taste of a panic attack.

The world is too loud too bright and

I cannot take much more of that.

I need the world to stop.

Please just let me heal.

Heart beats like it's a race.

How can I keep up?

This is way too much.

I feel way too much.

I wish I remembered how to breathe. 

Emote

Time is catching up on me,

Sadness creeping in.

I spend my days running, 

But now as I'm standing still

Life is breaking up on me,

Everything is changing fast.

I got to say that I feel lost 

Trying to make sense of it all.

I feel the weight of it now.

I feel just way too much.

My skin burns under the touch

Of emotions running rampant. 

I feel the weight of it all.

I feel the pressure to crack.

And there is simply no turning back

To what was before.

They didn't mean it

They didn't mean that. 

They didn't mean what they said.

They just had a beer or two.

You know how they are, always the fool.

They didn't mean to call you names. 

Why take it seriously, are you not ashamed?

They didn't mean it the way you think they did.

Why take it seriously, forget about it!

I am sure they never really said that.

And if they did, they didn't mean it like that.

You know they always have a good intentions. 

I'm getting sick of you creating tensions. 

I really thought you knew them better, you know.

I'm disappointed in YOU, why don't you let it go.

They didn't mean to touch your hair. 

It was just a grazing, why do you care.

They didn't mean to discriminate.

If it was even that, they're unable to hate.

They didn't mean to touch you that way.

It was just to move you out of the way.

It was meant to be innocent. 

Weird that this is what gets you all bend.

No they didn't mean to do that thing.

They were just partying.

They didn't mean to rape or assault.

It was always just accidental.

They didn't mean to not hire you, 

And they didn't mean to fire you.

They didn't mean to call you a slur.

They didn't mean to misgender you, sir.

They didn't mean to ignore what you said.

So now I will too, so don't you forget

That it's important you know they didn't mean it.

So let me remind you of this:

They didn't mean to turn your world upside down.

So why are you being so loud?

We never learned

Play it like a fiddle.

Turn the tide on me.

You have the audience captivated.

You're all that they can see.

Just play the emotion.

Captivate the room.

Call me a disruption.

The one that's hurting you.

Express the pain in a way 

That the others will eat it up,

Than stitch my mouth together

 Lose me in that full stop.

That's the way to go.

Just make it personal.

So no one looks at what happened.

And I'm ready to fall. 

Hook line and sinker, 

You got your way. 

My existence hollowed

My hurt remains erased.

But this song isn't about you.

Neither is my pain. 

Neither is the heartbreak when

I replay this in my brain.

So I have hidden my sorrow 

And hurt in my anger.

It doesn't sit in my stomach like a stone.

Life turned knowledge into strangers,

And it still makes me feel alone.

Devolving

I find myself repeatedly mourning

Those that are still here.

Broken hearts and bigger changes,

A loss of things that were.

Not just people but things I know

Seem to be unravelling. 

I find myself unable to keep up

With the pace of things changing.

Vast held beliefs and those I know

Are suddenly now unknown.

Brains and psyches slightly broken,

My grief overgrown.

The past is not the present,

And is not the future.

Evolving and devolving.

Nothing is certain, of that I'm sure.

Sacrificed

It is always unexpected.

It always catches you by surprise.

When words suddenly become biting.

And Whats turn into Whys?

Arguments that do your head in,

Accusations running circles in your thoughts.

And if the truth gets me turned into the villain, 

I embrace being what I am not.

I have to say that I am sad and angry.

I have to say that I now lack trust. 

The truth is that you broke me.

To protect myself, I did what I must. 

If that makes me into the problem.

If you want my sanity sacrificed.

If you want the world to believe what you do.

Go ahead and lie.

Fists

Spit it out.

How does it feel?

Tell me the truth now.

Then weave them a story.

Turn me inside out.

Rewrite me,

In the image 

You want them to see.

I'm used to that happening.

It means nothing to me.

You're telling me nothing I didn't hear before.

You're not the first to say I ruin everything.

I used to believe it in my core, but I know

That is what you need to tell yourself.

I might be stubborn and headstrong

But I'm not wrong.

You might see me as destruction, 

If that's what you want.

If you need to hate, than hate me.

If you need a villain, look no further.

As long as you leave me be,

I'll gladly be your punching bag.

Fuck everyone

Who says everything happens for a reason. 

You're wrong. 

Broken thrones

Stay.

Don't stay.

Don't remain the same,

But just for another day,

Don't let anything change,

So I can remember.

So I can pretend forever

Was ever an option.

Let me stay.

I can't stay.

It's such a shame.

I waited and I prayed,

Just to take the blame.

But just for tonight,

Let me pretend you made things right.

If that's OK with you?

The truth is I still want to fool my own heart. 

Rewind the tape than tear it apart.

Flashback myself into a different meaning.

But things will always keep moving forward.

No.

Nothing

Never becomes something. 

Never stays the same.

Doesn't turn to truth

And that's a shame.

That's not reality.

And that is not me.

No No No.

Nothing

Never is anything

More than what we're seeing. 

And I won't let myself

Play at pretending.

Cause that's not me.

And that's not reality.

The truth is I don't want to let things go.

But deep inside of me I know I know

That I can't break myself apart to kindle your flame.

I can't burn myself to keep things burning.

It's time for me

To see.

Let me see.

Truthfully.

That I'm still me.

Now matter what, I still have that.

Now matter how sad 

I feel.

Cause I rather be lonely walking down memory lane,

Than remember the person you wanted me to burn away.

It will be heartbreak but I will be ok.

It will be grief, but I will be me.

Cause I rather heal my wounds than keep them from scabbing over.

I rather cry my heart out over a time that is now over. 

And find myself climbing out of the ashes

Not having lost myself.

Multiply

I have the feeling you still don't understand.

You frown your privilege and than demand

A pin in action and a silence in protest.

As if we are here to be a balm for your soul.

You offered your bodies but never put them on the line.

Then you go about your day and pretend all is fine.

Annoyed by those who broke the flow you liked.

Eating up propaganda,

Yoga studios and a green smoothie detox.

Putting the news items behind keyless locks.

As long you can sleep through the nights, 

And still believe in politicians.

Those lies are always easier to swallow.

Giving you rules to follow

So you don't need to think for yourself. 

It shouldn't have taken so long to be kind.

We all need you to see,

Your silence does not feed more than misery.

The entire world is burning down.

That never translates into a singular action.

Heartbreak

I have been a question mark,

I have been living in denial.

I haven't faced my sorrow,

And just stayed angry for a while.

Something broke.

Not something in me.

But something tangible.

Like trust in an image

And trust in a memory.

Truth is,

Heartbreak without the romance 

Is still heartbreak in the end.

It's the same old same pain

When you lose your friends,

Then lose yourself.

It doesn't matter what they say.

That's still heartbreak anyway. 

THAT is still pain. 

A break up.

No comma, just full stop.

That's still soul loss

Love is still love like that,

It's nothing less.

You don't measure love in kisses.

Sometimes it's voids and near misses. 

Going back to start and not knowing (eachother).

The silence always overflowing.