Morning

I'm afraid to sleep.

Yeah you don't need to tell me it's a need.

But if I fall to deep,

Will I wake up when the world needs me?

I'd rather creep the darkness.

If I'm always tired, I can pretend to feel less.

I'm a mess.

I will spend all my tears right into the silence.

What they don't see, they don't know.

I get to keep myself for me alone.

And if you came to me for a show.

Just go. I won't. 

Mourning has the sky painted red.

I trace my tears right back into my head.

As the night falls away, I return my mask.

Don't need strangers knowing what has me upset.

Bone tired

I don't want to open my door

To those who shouldn't be strangers

And stare into the gaslight.

I just want to sleep through the night

And not feel like dying anymore. 

I don't want to simply break my back 

Because no one believes I'm bending.

I don't want to move myself aside. 

Feel free to believe it's me unwilling to fight,

Or unready to take a stand.

I'm too exhausted to contemplate your demons.

Small

Small.

Suddenly she was so small.

A fragment of herself,

Locked in and shelved,

Like I almost didn't know her at all.

I could feel my breath stall.

An image burned into my eyeballs.

A force to be reckoned with,

Now a light they dimmed,

Bracing for another fall.

And in my head

Everything thundered down all

At once.

And in my head

I feel the breaking 

Of things that don't belong.

And in my head

Everything I am feels wrong.

And in my head 

A rage rages on.

God I'm so angry and I cannot stop.

Who shall I call on, on which door to knock?

To whom's God complex shall I lodge a complaint?

Why are you fuckers suddenly hidden away?

Goddamnit, this feels like theft,

How you fed on her insecurities and then left nothing left.

I think you should be fucking punished for it.

I think you need a fucking taste of this.

You got an opportunity to leave everything the same. 

You had an opportunity to keep people safe.

But this wasn't ever about what is right,

This was always about you feeling you're right. 

This was all about your fucking feelings of might.

And I hate that you can still sleep at night.

You are all the things that I found out I dislike.

A self congratulatory white coat I want to fight.

A self congratulatory white coat I want to burn away. Doctor.

As I repeat back everything you like to say. Doctor.

And then you think everything is OK. Doctor.

What the hell did you have to gain. By this. 

Oh why?

Can someone explain why

I didn't recognise her eyes.

That faraway look,

It felt like a lie.

But the truth for sure

Is reality hurts

All the time.

It disconnects my life.

It discombobulates my mind.

Hippocratic oath, be fucking damned.

Doing what you can was too much of a demand.

Every way to fix it, you had it all in your hands.

You dropped the fucking ball, then called it out of your hands.

You can brush yourself off and still pat your own back.

Then turn a sympathetic face on and ignore what you lack.

Ignore all the criticisms and ignore all your faults, Like

It was all just fine and it's making my blood spike.

I really want you to feel what I feel and all I feel is panic.

The loss is overwhelming and it's making me manic.

I no longer sleep cause I fear something will go wrong.

So I hide away my dreams and wake up with the sun.

And the pain is overwhelming, I feel so depressed. 

I try to keep it together but fuck I'm a mess.

And I'm drowning, I am drowning, Fuck I'm so sad.

You should have fucking listened to her, even I knew that.

Distraught.

All I am is distraught.

Even her voice changed

Into something she is not.

You made the invincible 

Into something invisible

To your eyes, doc.

Everything I knew

And everything I thought

Changed.

Small.

Suddenly she was so small.

She used to be invincible.

Can you tell me why,

You shot a hero from the sky?

And never realises it was your fault?

Do you still sleep at night?

Leave your worries behind?

We'll never be able.

Truly. Fuck you all.

Sit with me.

Can I leave something with you?

Can I leave something behind?

I need to breathe for a second,

Cause I'm going out of my mind.

Can I sit for a minute?

Can I take in some air?

Just to release some panic,

Then I'm out of your hair.

I just need a moment 

And then I'm good to go.

Just let me cry a little,

No one needs to know. 

Thank you for the space,

For the moment of release.

I need to go now cause

Life doesn't seem to ease.

Panic

“Hi. Nice to see you. How are things going?”

How's life treating you, how are you doing?

Like it's an easy thing that needs answering.

I'm a broken high voltage wire zapping.

I don't know how to explain this.

The truth is, I'm in a constant state of panic.

What if something happens and I miss it?

I've been looking for words to give.  

I'm just an empty vat of anxiety meds.

My mind wiring away and driving me mad.

All those thoughts send my nerves on a test.

Nights of sleep that I fully lack.

I've been trying to survive.

Riding out the pain on an adrenaline high.

I cried so much you think my tear ducts are dry.

Dissociated just to look alive. 

I've been trying to just get through my day. 

And I can tell you that there is simply no way.

I don't think I will ever be ok.

This hurts deep inside my brain.

This is not a thing I can explain.

That slow fade into feeling completely insane.

I'm bone tired and bone wired, my anxiety stains.

What is you want me to say?

If I let it out, I will break.

If I speak another word to this, I'll be unmade.

There's a limit to how much I can take.

So I'll bottle it up and bury it away.

“I'm as good as can be, you know how life is.”

I lie through my teeth, then smile to sell it.

No one acknowledges the pain, how heavy it sits.

And I slowly stew away in my panic.

I stew away in my panic. 

I stew away in my panic.

Watch me dissolve into panic.

I've been counting the stars every night.

Looked at prayer as another thing to try.

This has me choking on life, I can't lie.

I'm scared out of my goddamned mind.

ME Writers block

All the hours have been tasting the same.

I want release but my body is not ok.

I'm not demanding it write an entire play.

Just please don't be in my way.

Let me touch my fingers to a screen.

Write my letters before I continue to bleed.

I just need to find a way to relieve 

Every single part of me.

Where are the poems I thought I knew?

They slip through my fingers then start anew.

My notebook filled with all my truths, 

As unfinished as my mood.

I lost the way into my head.

There's so much chaos and I can't connect.

I'm exhausted and I can't rest.

Spent my days rotting away in my bed.

The noise so loud it became silent.

Is this the way my life was meant

To be filled until death relents?

I'm chasing my thoughts to no end.

I can't control this

Life wrote another limbo and for what?

You want me strong, well I am not.

You want me growing, I am no plant.

But no matter how much I say I can't,

I'll water myself with my tears.

Ontsnappen

Handen dansen voor mijn gezicht.

Ik herinner me de vlekken die de verf achterliet.

Zachte bewegingen terwijl ik lig.

Soms voelt het alsof het enige wat ik doe is liggen.

Er is niets nieuws tussen zon op 

en zon neer en ik herken elke seconde.

De tijd is het enige wat niet stopt,

hoe hard ik er ook om vraag.

Even een moment om adem te happen.

Even een seconde voor acceptatie.

Ik weet dat ik niet kan ontsnappen.

Maar even, even zonder pijn.

Ik zoek mijn heil tussen de woorden.

Tussen de bladzijde en mijn pen.

Waar ik mijn emoties heb waarborgen.

Pijn omgebogen tot een creatie.

Ik zoek mezelf tussen stiften en papier.

Tussen de kleuren die iets vertellen.

Ik mis de simpliciteit en het plezier

van ongeremd mezelf terugvinden.

De kunst en ik, ooit onbevangen,

nu elk moment voorzichtig afgewogen.

Nog kan het altijd weer afhangen

van de staat waarin ik mijzelf bevind.

Mijn spontaniteit afgenomen, en langzaam

sterft inspiratie in notitieboekjes.

Onafgemaakte werken die eenzaam

verborgen raken onder het stof. 

Maar in m'n brein staat de hemel nog open.

In m'n brein vuren de neuronen erop los.

Dat is mij nog lang niet afgenomen. 

Ik ben de geheime kunstenaar.

Elke creatie gecreëerd, verwarmt mijn benen. 

Elke tekening een pil tegen de pijn.

En van mijn kruin tot aan mijn tenen,

zal ik altijd een dichter blijven.

Zal ik altijd zelf kunst zijn.