My body gaping open in the middle,
a hole where you were supposed to be
leaking organs and fluids
and everything I was meant to hold in.
Memories and late night secrets
and the dark ooze of a past I rather forget
but I cannot not remember now,
it lying here in the open
because pain remembers pain.
I think I counted on you to fix me,
in some magical way like my hand on
your face would just ctrl alt del
all the fuckery I experienced
or maybe the simplicity of your existence,
eat sleep shit play would just
magically uncomplicate me
and you did.
It doesn't mean I didn't love you for you,
there's no way anyone would have been able
to not love you for you cause you were
exquisite and extraordinary. It means that
you immediately became a part of me,
not just my life, growing into me like a
second skin or a piece of heart, or anything essential to breathing, that I am not whole without, that without, I am again broken.
I am unwhole because I was loved, because
I love, because I dare to make place inside me
to be filled and completed, and to be
vulnerable for loss and to miss and to grieve,
and you were one of the voices to teach me,
to show me that was ok to do, that I should
feel safe to be open, that I was safe with you.
I trusted you and I do not regret it even if I might die from bleeding out your loss.
