The pencil

The day is gone
Midnight has awoken
Inside your tender eyes
Where time has been stolen

You are the ghost
And I am a bargaining chip
I am your explanation
Unconsciously whipped

So pick up the pencil and be what you need
Stop fighting this, stop kicking me in the teeth

But it
It lets you sleep
Sometimes during the night
But it doesn't let you appreciate
The little things
Of life

If you don't know
If you don't know

And it is not real
If you don't see what is
Right in front of you
If you slip into the mist

Yes, slip into the mist of not caring
Slip into the blue and drown yourself
You can't keep ignoring everything
And you can't ignore me

But it
It lets you die
To keep up with the pace
But it won't keep you sane
Or disappear
Without a trace

But it
It lets you breakdown
Without anyone noticing
But it won't fight this fucking fear
Don't go down
Without a last swing

There's a fire inside and you can't hide it
There's a fire inside and you can't deny it

Worms

There are worms in my brains.
Eating away at the silence
I so desperately crave.
I don't know who
Or what
They represent.
Are they me?
Are they you?
All I know is that they hurt me
With their tiny voices
And hard whispers
Telling me
Who they think I am.
What if I started to believe it?
Will I be more broken for it,
More distraught,
More damaged?
Will it be the end of my world?
What if they consume me whole?

So please don't look at me

Don't look at me!
I don't feel pretty today.
I am whispering
Desperate
Litanies
Into a rearview mirror
But it's only
Staring back at me.
It's not okay.
I'm not okay.
So I tried to rid myself
From my reflection
But it remains.
Like my darkened thoughts.
Should I surrender?
Oh sweet surrender.
I don't know how.
I am picking
At my faults
One by one.
Like putting needles
Into my weakened skin.
And what are looks
But bone and flesh?
They do not show
My comprehension
For language
Nor my love
Or my art.
But I want to be soothing
To the eye.
Even if that means nothing.
I want to bath in the glory
That seems so bright
In the shadow.
The glory of not being noticed at all.
You see,
I don't want to be
Beautiful.
I just want to be normal.
Not the girl that turns heads,
Because she might be ugly
Or she might be fat.
Because that is beautiful to me.
So please don't look at me.
I don't feel beautiful today
And I will
Pick myself apart
Before you ever do.
So please don't look at me,
I want to fade away.....

Weet jij wel?

Zachte witte vegen
Voor het raam.
Ik kan het niet geloven,
Want lente kwam eraan.

De tij lijkt gekeerd,
De wereld in diepe rouw.
Ik kan alleen maar staren,
En mijn koffie wordt koud.

Jij ligt warm onder dekens,
En bespeelt mijn gedachten.
En soms weet ik niet wat ik moet verwachten.

Jij bent mijn zachte ziel,
Mijn bescherming tegen de kou.
Weet jij eigenlijk wel hoeveel ik van jou hou?

Prelude

The purpose of
This poem
Is that the words are
Unpredictable
And hard to follow
For those
Faint of heart
And weak of mind
And unwilling to hear the truth.
The truth that people hurt.
People hurt
And there is no denying
That could save their lives,
No blindness to cure them.
People hurt
And silence hurts them.
Victimblaming kills them.
How can the deeds of
Another be their fault
When it made them so small?

Like a child shivering in
The corner, naked.
His needs, once warm,
Are now their icey demands.
His wandering thoughts
Shackeled
To the silence.
To the things you did not say.
To the things he could not say
With their guilty eyes
Burned into his mind,
Right on the back of his skull,
Forever.
Too young to fight a forceful entrance
To the deepest parts of him.
Can't you see he won't forget?
They will never make him forget.

This is the world we live in.
Eyes closed
And pointed to the ground.
Mouths sealed
With a deadly kiss.
I can no longer live here.
I wish someone told me your story,
The deepest lows.
The knowing care.
There is more to all of you
Than anybody would see.
Maybe then you will open up...

And I?
I was only 6 years old.

Sigaret

Ik steek een sigaret op
En net als de gedachten aan jou
Smaakt het naar meer.
Jij bent mijn diepste geheim,
In mijn wezen,
In mijn zijn.
Een trek die onvoldaan blijft
Omdat ik
Er niet aan durf toe te geven.
Jij bent slecht voor mij.
Ben jij slecht voor mij?
Ik weet het niet meer
Dus neem ik nog een haal
En blaas het zachtjes uit.
Voor een moment
Zou ik zweren
Dat het wolkje
Jouw gezicht heeft.
Ach misschien,
Heel misschien,
Denk ik gewoon teveel aan jou.

Eradicate

I can feel your beckoning,
You're just not ready for the reckoning,
You're just not ready...

(I eradicate you
I violate you)

I used to hang on every word you said.
And I was so fragile
You asked my silence for every word you said
And it was so intimate
I still can feel the bile
Coming up intide my throat
I was your little girl

Stripnaked of everything that made me into me
Strangled behind closed doors
And I bled from deep inside my masked brain
And it was so intimate
I never knew before
What I did to make you hurt me
I was your little confidant

You hid yourself under the things you asked of me.
I was dying and you could not see

And when I realized
All of it has been lies
Blood for blood
Became an eye for an eye

There's a feeling that rises
From the depths of my emptiness.
I can't describe this.
Oh no I can't describe this.

Never again I swore
I am not keeping your lies anymore

Take you down
Take it off
Didn't you used to call this
Love
The massacre
Of little girls
That were biding
Your will
I am after you
After you now

This will
Make me whole
This will
Give me back what you stole
I attack you
With my pen
I attack you
And take a stand
Inside my mind
You won't survive this

The seed of hate
Inside my mind
You planted yourself
To leave me behind
With parts
Of you
But I will never
Become another you
There is too much blood
Inside my eyes

You make me want to be miserable
So that I can even punish you some more
So that I can write about those tales
That happened behind closed doors

But I am ready to burn everything down.
Ready to fight, and ready to kill.
There is only your arrogance between us now,
Like the silence that kept me still.

You can run but you can never hide

Weet jij wie jij bent?

De kou valt
Als een koning
Over het land
En iedereen
Bibbert.
Sommigen noemen het ziekte,
De anderen noemen het geluk.
Ik weet niet
Wat ik het moet noemen
Maar ik blijf wel liever in bed,
Denkend aan jou.
Met de thee in mijn hand,
Verlangend naar een sigaret
En naar rust in mijn emoties.
Ik wil jou.
Ik wil in jou opgaan
Totdat ik niet meer besta.
Ik wil jou proeven als de koffie op mijn lippen.
Heet,
Zoet
En bitter.
Jij bent als duisternis op mijn tong.
Ik vul mij met jouw tranen,
Jouw woede,
Jouw angsten,
En jouw stilte.
Want ik wil dat het pijn doet,
Om jou te kennen,
Zoals niemand anders jou kent.
Ik laat mijn woorden achter op jouw huid
Terwijl ik zachtjes achter uit val,
Met een brandende sigaret,
En het genoegen die het brengt.
Weet jij wie jij bent?

Wreck in army boots

I was just a kid
I was just a kid

(I must take control....)

I made myself up
Born out of hate and rage
A wreck in army boots
And this is the right place
For my emotions

I made myself up, I made myself up
I was just a thought and then I existed
I wanted to kill you and I couldn't stop

I made myself up, I made myself up
Content with the illness brewing inside
I wanted to slaughter you and I won't stop
I still won't stop

I had a dream
Of me as a small child
I was covered in blood
My blood
And I was raped
By the bruises
And the wounds
On my skin
Maybe that why
I still cut myself
I am trying to remember you

But I woke up
i finally woke up
And now it's over
I am done waiting
I want to fight you
I need to hurt you
Now I am trying to forget you

I am done trying to win your trust
I am done....

I am an army of falling fists
I am battle ready and ready for this bloody kiss
I am building myself from the memories
Of you pushing me down on my knees
There is a war brewing inside my mind
To make you wish that you never left me to die
I need to fight, I need to break, I need to kill,
So be silent and listen, be silent, be still

I am born to be a fighter
But I am still falling hard
They call me all sort of names
Jealous birds picking me apart

I am born to be a fighter
And I am not ready to fail
Even when I am crying
I am still ready for the kill

I want the angels to look upon me as I tear their eyes out
I want to be the last thing that they see
My rise over their doubt
Of me
I want you to look upon me as I tear your eyes out
I want to be the last thing that you see
My rise over your hold
On me

My art will win this war
I am emotional
I am a wreck in army boots
Ready to share my pain
I am so ready to share my pain

Lose

Stare at me through a mirror.
I want to stare back.
But I am just a reflection,
I am nobody.
They keep on judging me.
Those silent little minions.
Can they not see that
I am nobody.
But I thought that I was someone
In those eyes of you.
Am I mistaken?
But I thought that I was a friend
To the likes of you.
And I don't want to be mistaken.
I trust you, I trust you, I trust you,
Even if you don't believe me that I do.
But I...
I called an enemy a friend before
And a friend a foe
I made some mistakes in the past.
Don't you understand
That I sometimes just don't know?
Don't you understand
That I am afraid
To lose
You?

A rhyme in darkness

I say that I don't need you
But maybe I need you to hurt me
Maybe I need you to hurt me

There's always something holding you back
Away from the gaze that is upon you
And I am keeping right on track
You hate me for that
I dreamt yesterday that you died in my arms
But I awoke by the sound of you not being there
My blood smeered on all your charms
You hate me for that

And maybe one day I will kill us
But I am not ready, I am not ready
Take us whole and destroy us
A prisoner to our secret society
Because we both might be broken
And easy to take apart
We both might need each other
To shatter and tear us apart

I come with a story
I come without an explanation
You come without reason
You come with your sensations
Ruled by our emotions
Pushing and pulling at our limbs
Bringing us closer
And still creating a bigger distance

Maybe there's alway something holding me back
To become the animal you want me to be
Ánd you're keeping right on track
I hate you for that
Maybe I am not ready to give everything to you
But I want to kill everything that stands between us
And when you do just what you need to do
I hate you for that

I need to attack
I need to attack
I need to attack someone...
And it can't be myself this time

Want

I can see your face,
In the darkness, free.
I can see your face
As it lights up for me.

I think you like me,
Sometimes I do.
I think you like me,
And I like you too.

Do you wish sometimes that you could be in love,
The same way normal people are in love?
I can never wish for it, my insanity is attracted to yours
It's so electric, it's so electric and it's so tough.

And I offer you my sex
I offer you my life if I could.
I asked you before to kill me.
Just point your arrow and shoot.

Because I can never be healed
And I can never be cured.
I want to bleed,
Sometimes I want you to hurt.

Do you wish sometimes you can be in lust,
And believe the lies like the normal people do?
Maybe I will turn myself into a slave of your name
Be honest just like all those love-strucken fools.

You're a ghost made real inside my mind.
Your body is the longing that will make me die.
My fingers on your beating heart,
Slowly tearing you apart.
You are the one that will always leave me stunt
Maybe you just need me for the hunt
I might be the one you are not allowed to want.
I'll become the one you are never allowed to want.

Do not speak

I said too much.
Words can kill.
Things perceived so differently
Of what I meant to be.
I should be still.
I should be silent.
Do not speak
Little girl.
Do not speak
Little girl
Is all I say to myself
inside my head.
But I seek,
desperately seek
A sign of forgiveness.
That was not what I meant,
Do not see me wrongly.
That was not what I meant.
I've hurt more than I wanted to
When I thought myself spirited and free.
I should be more careful.
I need to stop being me.
Do not speak
Little girl.
Do not speak
And be still.

The train

There you were,
Standing in the rain.
Trying to get back to her again.
One hand on the bagage,
One hand on the train.
An old train,
That might never drive again.
Here she is,
Standing in the rain,
Do you need to her help again?
To let her bend
To let her break from the strain.
The strain,
That you've put on her again.
It's much too early
And way to late
But you still keep waiting on the train.