Grab it not

No, ´Grab me by the pussy is not a joke,

It is not locker room talk, no Alpha male stuff,

I was only 6 years old.

Let it sink in.

6 years. Old.

Or young.

When a male Alpha´ed his less than whatever

is the last Greek letter in that Alphabet behaviour

On my itty bitty self.

My crime for being female.

My punishment for being a child.

You don´t say it´s toxic masculinity

When you dare open your mouth and blame me

For being raped when I was nothing more than a baby,

Not an adult in any

Sense of the word.

Or make excuses for their behaviour.

Tell me men do not know better.

The fact that you think you need to make excuses, tells me,

Men know better but they just don´t care.

Or when I am again sexually assaulted and

A bit after that again raped and

Abused and beaten by different men.

Could you not hoover over these predators and say:

“This is bullshit. No man should behave this way.

And no man held to normal standards of humanity does.”

Instead you say:

“How could you let it happen it to you again?

How could you let yourself get into harms way?”

As if I had a choice in the matter,

As if 50% of the world is not basically populated with men,

And you all are kinda hard to avoid

Or ignore

Or open about the fact whether you are a rapist or not.

And when I assume you are not, I am too trustworthy.

And when I assume you are, I am not trustworthy enough.

I can´t win.

I am the sum of my parts and nothing,

No nothing

More.

I am a pussy to grab,

A boob to lick,

A back to throw against the wall,

A head to smash against the pavement.

And when one of my assailants

Suddenly becomes a neighbour

You ask me why I smile when I see him in the hallway,

You ask why I just didn´t move

House

As if I could move.

10 years after he threw me on the ground

And I still could not move.

How symbolic.

I almost locked myself up inside my house,

A little scared and angry mouse

Flinching when I heard his voice on the balcony.

No ´grab my pussy´ is not a joke.

It´s toxic masculinity.

There are so many women in this world,

We walk amongst you all with secrets in our hearts.

Scars and wounds of predatory behaviour

And it will be a start, just a start

If you could understand

That this all starts with men

And yes all so women,

Who think

That someone saying that grabbing a pussy

Without consent

Is a joke

And not a worry

For every women you have ever seen.

I was raped. I was maybe broken,

Maybe damaged, maybe anything when they got to me,

But I was not weak,

And I was not the blame.

I was just a paw in a game,

So feel ashamed,

For talking this way.

I will no longer feel shame for the way I got treated

And maybe one time I will dare stand up

And walk over to look you in the eye

When you joke about grabbing a pussy, A D-cup,

A whatever the fuck without consent and ask you

To try again, I dare you to touch me while not having my consent.

But until then,

You are the idiot womenhater who lets a man

Grabbing your daughters vagina without your consent

Run for president.

What doesn´t kill me costs 1 pound at the 7/11

I still don´t understand

How it got so out of hand

And the blame was enough to go around.

And I still don´t get

How you fill in what I said

Even when I never made a sound.

I still don´t understand

How we got from this argument

Into a world where we just point fingers.

And I still this stinging pain

When I remember how it all played

Out and the truth never seems to linger.

But I have no doubt

I am not the one to open my mouth

And turn the tables around

Until we all can peacefully sit down.

But even though I miss

Out on what was us and what is,

I can no longer fathom to film

The reality beyond reality cause it will.

Kill me.

Yes, it will kill me.

I still didn´t say the words

You so ademently said you heard,

I did not turn this into a game of bad guys.

And I still see, see the truth,

How you not see the things I do,

Turn back into your worlds and call mine lies.

You shoved words into mouths,

Explanations, reasons, things that were

Done that got another frame of looking at it

And I am not sure

How all the things you turn to,

Twist into something else, doubts perhaps

About the truthfullness of the simplicity

Of the words that were actually said.

I was not allowed to have a problem with anything,

Case solved. Prosecution rest.

You did not mean to, I know you didn´t.

But you did, and never opened your eyes to any of it.

You saw not me talking about an issue but an attack.

Even though every time you tell me off

I don´t assume a knife in my back.

Why am I not allow to point out something?

Anything?

Can I say nothing?

I want to say something.

But I have no energy

To fight a battle if it seems

To end up hopeless hopelessly

And it will tear right down in the heart of me.

But even if I might cry

And somedays it feels like I will die,

I find these days that I smile,

Even though your choice was not mine,

It was not mine.

It might not kill me after all.

For I rather die

Then bend my head before your eyes

Bend my truth before your wrongheld beliefs.

I am a lot but not a thief

To my own brand of sanity.

You are not a bad person,

You are wrong and misinformed,

Never really tried to listen to my words.

Never really tried to see it my way before

And after this.

Never tried it after this.

Never tried it after this.

Never tried it after this.

It might not kill me but occasionally it hurts like hell…

(And I still don´t understand)

Through the air

I was edged in your name.

I was edged in your life.

But your truth that now remains

Is no truth of mine.

I tried, and tried in vain

To dispel what you said I said

Which I said no times, not the same

And without your words.

For me it was not about blame,

But about being heard and understood.

To unrevel the blemishes and stains,

To again see eye to eye

And when I extended my hands to you

Through the sky,

You just slapped them away, turned your backs,

No goodbyes.

As if my tears were never crying.

You told the world that it was me who left,

In smoke of silence,

While you pretended my nonexistence,

I ignored it in defiance.

You plead the 5th, you plead ignorance.

But if it is you who left you and not I who left you

(Anything other than bereaved),

Why do you expect that it be me who chases you

(To the edge of eternity)?

It is that simple and it is less than what you make of it.

And maybe we need to talk about the shoe that fits.

I don´t think you´re “the bad guy”

You´re just misunderstood

And you twisted my words

And the letters you took.

I never said you ever

Did everything

Wrong!

Or was every time you scolded me

A reflection of what you,

You thought of me

And the things I do?

Always,

Eternally?

Internally?

Now when in suddentity one thing seems to define us all,

I can´t find myself waiting on the other side of the wall.

When everything turns Berlin, willing-ly.

It is not my world to force myself upon,

If with every turn you make,

You tell me you do not want me there,

And on face value I take

The words and actions you provided me with

So be clear and surely be true.

Because that is the way that I breathe,

That is the thing I do.

Because actions speak louder than words

And your words are all unspoken.

I once thought we were more than bloodties,

But more now seems easily broken.

Well I have to tell you blood runs thicker than water and

That blood still run thinner than a foundation properly cemented.

One little thing and it floats away,

One toe out of line,

One negative thing to say

Is enough to leave me declined

Like I was never

Worth the effort

From the start,

Just because of that single moment,

Me telling you instead of you me,

That this made me feel wrong.

It was not my final decree.

This aftermath

Still seems to

Confuse me.

But paint me like a bad guy if you want,

As I pose for you, throw my hands in the air.

I extended my hands through space and time,

But I stopped trying when I stopped finding you there.