21 months of this

 

Sew my name on my tongue.

You keep losing the plot.

You tell me you did nothing wrong

And then turn around destroying me.

Stop asking if I do not mind

To carry the burden of your life.

Just so you can leave me behind

To become the one that burns.

I cannot keep doing this.

Just take me down and make a wish.

I cannot keep carrying this.

But I turn my cheek and take the hit.

 

'Cause 

I'm falling too deep

Through the cracks

Of the earth. 

I'm falling asleep

Near the roots

And the dirt.

And

I’m falling too hard

And I cannot

Find my brakes.

I’m falling apart,

One more break

Is all it takes.

But I put my red dress on,

And 'cause you want me too,

I perform.

But I put my best smile on,

And 'cause you want me too,

I perform.

But I put my best death on,

And 'cause you want me too,

I disappear.

Have you ever seen

 

Have you ever seen

Someone drown on dry land?

Have you ever seen

Someone being alone 

In the middle of the masses?

Have you ever seen

Someone coming to term

With how long they will last?

I have being waiting for this.

The culmination of your lack of care.

You marking on the calender

The day you wanted me dead.

I have been waiting for you

To spit into my face some more.

Your feet behind my door,

To come and finally find me.

Cause I have seen you

Volunteer up your own breath

To ruin the one in my chest.

Cause I have seen you

Turn yourself scientist to

Isolate and create an impact.

Cause I have seen you

Silence my already 

Voiceless scream, as simple as that.

I was expecting this from you.

In your mind I am a volunteer,

That stole everything you held dear

With underlying suffering.

I was expecting all of this

To come to such a high cascade.

A free fall into your hate.

Fuck it all, we are all so late.

We will never get out of this

If you don’t confront your own lies.

But you rather wait until you or I die.

Silence

 

Oh honey, I see you.

Oh honey, I see you so.

I won’t go, I won’t go, I won’t go.

You knew you were happy once, but it faded

Back to the background, where is seems to stay

With all the bits of your sanity that seems to remain.

You hoped the pain in your head remained a memory.

A shitty piece of the bad stuff in your history.

But there you are, crying and screaming again.

Please brain, please be silent

You beg, visions before your closed eyes.

No matter how much you try to smile,

Your body remains a broken thing

That just lies there.

There you just lie.

You’re lying in the crumbs of yesterday’s meal.

Your tears have dried but still you can’t see

Past the water that has formed in your eyes.

Waking up to the sound of a singular beat

Drumming to last nights disastrous lack of sleep

And asking of life the silence you desperately need.

But your brain, it won’t go silent

And you see horrors every time you close your eyes.

No matter the distraction you try to conjure,

Your body is the only silent thing.

And there you lie,

There, you just lie.

They all can see the mask that is breaking

And all the years of happy memories just flaking

Away into the wind cause you aren’t allowed them.

You fill your ears with music to try to understand

What is that that dark dog seems to demand

Of you but all it offers is a different noise.

Cause your brain doesn’t know silence.

You hallucinate onto the lids of your eyes.

My body the only unmovable thing.

The story is mine.

Here, I just lie.

Oh honey, I see you.

Oh honey, I see you so.

But sometimes I wish I would leave myself alone.

New year's celebrations

 

I fell into depression

On the sound of music

And my community dying.

I fell into the words 

Of people with thick

Lies who made me disppear.

I fell into love 

And into hate

And into …..

I still don’t know.

2020 isn’t over.

The clock says it is

But it is lying.

We are still here where we always were.

Put your fireworks in a box.

We are not there yet

Cause your last shred of humanity is also dying.

We need to count its body to the dead.

Sleeping

 

We are sleeping.

On the truth.

On the words.

On the pain.

We are sleeping.

On being heroes.

On being hopeful

While it rains.

While it rains

The arrows

Of people 

Telling all the lies.

And the hope

To turn them

Into a silence

For a little while.

For a little while

I want you

To consider

Seeing us alive.

Cause if you 

Don't, I fear

More of us

Will die.

You don't havw to try to shrink me

 

You don’t have to try to shrink me.

I won’t fit in your pill.

So you won’t fit me on your magazine cover,

In your clothing stores

Or on the medical bills.

You won’t give me healthcare,

Cause my care is tied

To a shrinking body.

I have gotten used to health

Being something that’s denied.

You will tell me I will be pretty

If I only lost the weight.

And tell me about the pants

That doesn’t fit, like

It’s my body type you hate.

And you do all these things 

And so much more, unprovoked.

I wish you realised what

You are saying but I know

That you won’t.

GeenDorHout

 

We zijn het ondergeschoven kindje,

We zijn de blik die je niet werp.

Ik vraag mij af, wat bezint je

Terwijl je over onze lichamen stampt?

Zijn wij dan nu al vergeten?

Nee nee dat is het niet.

Je vergeet alleen wat je kon weten,

En je herinnerde ons nooit niet.

We waren heel stil

De slachtoffers van jouw feesten

En de onderwerp van jouw luide onwil.

We waren de reden

Voor al jouw problemen

En van iedereen in de wereld.

We waren verschenen

In jouw hemel als een komeet

Die je liever uit de lucht schoot.

We waren onderwerp van

Jouw gesprekken waarin jij aanbood

Dat we liever dood moesten.

Je betichtte ons van ego

En alleen aan onszelf denken.

Maar nu je kans heb op een boot

Weg van dit alles, ben je enkel jezelf aan het redden.

En we worden weer weggeschoven,

Vergeten, achter in de rij gezet.

Zodat je kan vergeten of wij dood

Zijn of leven, en je terug kan naar je feesten.

Toen we GeenDorHout riepen knikte je mee.

Maar nu de mogelijkheid is een zeis te pakken

Hak je ons af onder de knie.

Wie gaat er voor egoisme ook al weer?

Representation

 

When I look at the movies,

Is shrunken women and

Space taking men 

And I am nowhere to be seen.

Representation makes happy.

It is this visceral need.

And I learned to love my body

By seeing people just like me.

Capitalism

 

Sometimes I wish 

I was born with more hands,

Some I can conjure

Right on demand.

But most of the time

I just wish I could rest

To stop putting 

My body to the test

Of fitting into

Society’s demands, 

Who all wish I was 

Born with more hands.

Don't sympathize with nazi's

 

To those 

Who didn't pay attention,

To those

Who said: both sides the same.

To those

Who kept making excuses.

And those 

Who gave it their okay.

To those 

Who stood by him

And those

Who are him with another name.

To those 

Who told us to be patient,

Your name is 

Written on this day.

Tea

 

If you are happy 

      And you know it

        You have not been

Paying attention

To the fabric 

Of the universe tearing open

And violence spilling out.

All of it able to be

Hiding in plain sight 

Cause we were not

Paying attention.

That and you probably

Had way more tea

Than me.