Death or Alive

 

I thought I was here to take a breath.

On the couch just to tell a story.

Cause I forgot how to move my lungs

And to cope with how you left me behind in 2020.

I think I can no longer deal with

How life has interrupted my reality

But before the end of my sentence arrived

You have already interrupted me.

(Like everyone else.)

And I told you what they told me,

That my life is not worthy of life.

I told you what they told me,

That it would be better if I should die.

You looked me in the eye

And went:

“Oh surely it’s not that bad bad bad.

Oh surely you lie lie lie.

Oh surely this new normal is ok.

And surely you must live your life.”

How can you tell me to celebrate that I am alive,

When so many of us have died?

I take a step away from the couch.

You told me it was safe but your words bite.

And in my moment of wavering, you lunged

And expunged the light

On my last remnants of hope.

The hope that others cared, 

that I took there to grow,

Now no longer there.

Why did I tell you what they told me,

That my life is not worthy of life.

Why did I tell you what they told me,

That it would be better if I should die.

Cause you looked me at me

And smiled:

“Oh surely it’s all alright.

Oh surely you exaggerate.

Oh surely we should all embrace this normal.

And embracing your death is not hate..”

How can you tell me to celebrate that I am alive,

When your new normal is build on me not staying alive?

It is almost like artistry,

How you all weave this tapestry

In which you come out as heroes

Just because you were able to survive.

Erasing way so no one knows 

That you smiled away 

The truth into lies.

That you build your resistance

Based on the value of someone’s genes.

The only protest stance 

You know is being unmasked and spitting

On graves.

Signing autographs to corpses.

Oh it’s much too late.

To rebuild your image.

You were never my comrade.

You were never any help.

How can you tell me to celebrate that I am alive,

While simultaneously leaving me to die?

And you look at me completely in denial

And hissed:

“Oh you are not worth it,

Oh oh oh oh why should I care?

I want a society that is alive and thriving

And you don’t belong there.”

And you look at me smiling

Rather ruthfully:

“Oh oh I chose a peaceful violence

And not accepting it makes you crazy.

Oh oh oh maybe you need some help,

Luckily you are here for therapy.”

And I no longer watched your face

As you said:

“Oh oh surely it’s all in your head.

Luckily for you you are here so I can forget,

The empathy you thought I had.

But hey, at least you are not dead.”

I left, forgetting my lungs.

I left, forgetting if I still have friends.

Is this how it all ends?

How can you tell me to celebrate that I am alive,

While simultaneously telling me it’s ok if I die?

My brain

 

Ah right on time.

The depression avalanche is sliding

On me without a grace.

I has not happen for a while.

But I could feel it coming 

Screaming at my face.

And there is no denial.

When its screams sends spit flying

All over your last sanity

And you haven’t left your spot for days.

And I just keep wondering why,

I try to understand.

I just keep wondering why,

I don’t understand it. 

And I just keep trying to try

But my heart isn’t moving.

I just keep trying to try.

And my eyes keep closing.

What's wrong with this brain of mine?

It is so utterly in love with life,

But it doesn't want to be alive. 

Often at the same time.

What’s wrong with this heart of mine?

It beats in my chest just fine,

Yet is breaking at the same time

And I don’t understand why.

What’s wrong with this soul of mine?

People says that for them it shines,

But I only see shadows for miles,

Just going on for a long while.

The Floating

 

My heart are you there?

I think I am floating.

I am in the air,

Crashing on waves.

My body are you travelling?

My anxious heart rate

Has finally been lessening.

Am I finally ok?

I always wanted to see the world.

Am I going to see the world?

Where are we going?

I can hear the ocean now.

Are we on a boat?

Are we leaving the continent?

Are we going remote?

Or will we visit the home of Fred Astaire?

Am I going to be accepted there?

I am the body,

I am the body,

I am the body,

That’s still dreaming.

My hope are you there?

I’m no longer hurting.

Would people care

If I won’t come home?

Can I go and visit

Where they don’t curse me?

Just give me this

For a single moment.

I want to be where I am not different.

Why am I someone different?

Are we going?

Did I just hear a plane

Land in my thoughts?

Are we doing the things

They told me I should not?

Am I going to climb mountains today?

Am I going to live my way?

I am the body between the waves,

I am the body between the waves,

I am the body between the waves,

And I am lost.

I think I just want to catch my breath,

Why can I not catch my breath?

Am I still breathing?

Why can’t they simply

Leave me alone?

Skip me away over water

Like a flat stone.

And now their words will haunts me forever.

Like a ghost I am lost forever.

I became the knuckles

With the bruises,

The simple lies 

That society abuses.

I have never before felt so hurt.

So I hide my mind, and visit the world.

I am the body between the waves on the beach.

I am the body between the waves on the beach.

I am the body between the waves on the beach

That society didn’t want.

My transness is beauty

 

Tell me what I've done

To deserve those eyes on me,

Judgmentally 

Burning

Right through the back of 

My skull. I have been

Running 

Away from you for this

Exact reason.

Denied my existence 

For 30 fucking years.

I feared

You.

I fucking feared you.

I was your she to not see,

Your her to hurt.

You. Were. Violence.

I didn't know 

I didn't know

I didn't know 

For so long

Hiding in the closet

Afraid to call 9 1 1

For they might come

For me too.

I didn't know but I knew

I wasn't supposed to be this.

A hit and miss

Sort of child.

I didn't get it.

I didn't get why I was wrong.

But now you come to tell me

When I finally feel right.

When I finally feel alive.

You call me 

and my trans friends

A plague

And a scurge,

The end

To everything you know

In your little bubble.

So you demand

A purge.

A reset, A

Redo, A new

Purpose for being

A grade a

Weapon of 

Deadly harm.

Because you are only happy

When we are not.

You will only smile

When we are thought

Dead.

An eradication process

Happening. 

And just like me,

Just like me,

You don't know why

You need to be a certain way. 

You just think that's 

The way it's always been.

It's not.

Worlds of me have

Always existed.

Worlds of me have

Always shone. 

Brightening 

Our hiding

With pieces of our soul.

My transness is beautiful. 

My transness was always 

Beautiful. 

Too much so

For you desired me grey.

So you can look away now.

You should look away.

Stop making me the centre of

Your world. 

I am the centre of mine. 

Stop making my existence 

About you.

Create your own

Goddamn limelight.

Stop saying trans people 

Steal your thunder 

While you hold Mjolnir 

In your right hand

And slapped me with the left.

My live is not the theft

Of yours.

Unless this violent discourse

Is the only thing

You have.

You made that bed yourself. 

My transness is beautiful. 

My transness has always been.

Because being yourself 

Deserves to be seen.

We deserve to be.