Death or Alive

 

I thought I was here to take a breath.

On the couch just to tell a story.

Cause I forgot how to move my lungs

And to cope with how you left me behind in 2020.

I think I can no longer deal with

How life has interrupted my reality

But before the end of my sentence arrived

You have already interrupted me.

(Like everyone else.)

And I told you what they told me,

That my life is not worthy of life.

I told you what they told me,

That it would be better if I should die.

You looked me in the eye

And went:

“Oh surely it’s not that bad bad bad.

Oh surely you lie lie lie.

Oh surely this new normal is ok.

And surely you must live your life.”

How can you tell me to celebrate that I am alive,

When so many of us have died?

I take a step away from the couch.

You told me it was safe but your words bite.

And in my moment of wavering, you lunged

And expunged the light

On my last remnants of hope.

The hope that others cared, 

that I took there to grow,

Now no longer there.

Why did I tell you what they told me,

That my life is not worthy of life.

Why did I tell you what they told me,

That it would be better if I should die.

Cause you looked me at me

And smiled:

“Oh surely it’s all alright.

Oh surely you exaggerate.

Oh surely we should all embrace this normal.

And embracing your death is not hate..”

How can you tell me to celebrate that I am alive,

When your new normal is build on me not staying alive?

It is almost like artistry,

How you all weave this tapestry

In which you come out as heroes

Just because you were able to survive.

Erasing way so no one knows 

That you smiled away 

The truth into lies.

That you build your resistance

Based on the value of someone’s genes.

The only protest stance 

You know is being unmasked and spitting

On graves.

Signing autographs to corpses.

Oh it’s much too late.

To rebuild your image.

You were never my comrade.

You were never any help.

How can you tell me to celebrate that I am alive,

While simultaneously leaving me to die?

And you look at me completely in denial

And hissed:

“Oh you are not worth it,

Oh oh oh oh why should I care?

I want a society that is alive and thriving

And you don’t belong there.”

And you look at me smiling

Rather ruthfully:

“Oh oh I chose a peaceful violence

And not accepting it makes you crazy.

Oh oh oh maybe you need some help,

Luckily you are here for therapy.”

And I no longer watched your face

As you said:

“Oh oh surely it’s all in your head.

Luckily for you you are here so I can forget,

The empathy you thought I had.

But hey, at least you are not dead.”

I left, forgetting my lungs.

I left, forgetting if I still have friends.

Is this how it all ends?

How can you tell me to celebrate that I am alive,

While simultaneously telling me it’s ok if I die?