Endings

I miss you.

I thought I was over that by now.

It's been over a decade ago

that we fell out.

And in my head it felt like a pause.

And in my head I'm lost.

And in my head it wasn't enough.

And I'm breaking now that you're lost.

Now that you died,

the world turned on its axis,

expectations subverted,

bringing permanence to how I miss.

Now that you died,

Everything is no longer as it seems.

I have to actually say goodbye to you

and a part of me wants to scream:

Fuck you for dying

for I never got to say:

How are you doing now?

How were all your days?

Fuck you for dying.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

You were supposed to live forever.

We were supposed to meet up one day.

But I'm not actually angry.

The anger is just a lie,

A looming sadness in disguise.

Not understanding why you died.

I have to realign 

all I thought I knew.

There's an ending 

to what this thing I knew.

I just miss you.

I thought I was over that by now.

I never healed the old wounds 

and they're bleeding out.

Into depression 

and into my mouth.

The world is trying to move on 

and it's too loud.

I wish I could just drown it out.

I wish I could just drown.

But I got to be the one

leaving you behind now.

And it sucks.