Shadow

(I wish I knew why I felt this way
And I can't release this pain)

Walking on shadows
I know I have lost my path long ago
All I am searching for
Is a place to hide away
A place where I can be alone

I don't feel safe
Who is going to save me from myself
Sometimes I don't make it
Through the night
Locked inside my personal hell

My mind betrays me when it has the chance
And I can't wait until someone lends me a helping hand

Twisting, turning, bleeding, bending
If I don't break than I will surely fold
Come on, see me, searching, hollow
And it is getting so immensely cold

The sky darkens
As my vision slowly begins to blur
I can't seem to breath
With the rain falling on me
Yes, sometimes I feel like a failure

Because I can't escape the memories
I can't lock them away even if I try
I was betrayed by everything that I feel

Am I here, can I see,  feel, touch
Do I exist beyond their perception of me
Dreaming,  reality,  silence, breaking
Will I become what they want me to be

Can someone please show me the way out of here
Because everything is becoming so unclear
Take me away from myself before it all starts again
I don't want to do this, I don't even know if I can
I am walking in circles, losing myself inside the shadows
Re-entering old memories because I don't dare to go
Further....

A voice, a calling, like whispers, in a storm
Do you really want me to fade away
Falling, falling, falling, falling faster
It's getting more difficult not to obey

Down, down, down, down I go
Please let me stay, I don't want to leave
Holding, on to, the edge, of everything
Because I know I still have to believe
That one day I will set myself free

Best friend

We were best friends
For, what seemed to be, an eternity
We shared our laughs
And some tears
Whispers about who we could be

Then it ended in a heartbeat
Faster than my eyes could see it coming
Even though I knew
Before it happened
I always believed we would stay swimming

But we are not like Phoenix
We were not ment to rise up from the ash
Don't assume I can forget
All the fun we used to have
Stil hoping that one day we could start out fresh

And when the dust settled down
There were only fingers pointed in every direction
I wonder if you talk about me
Tell the world that it's my fault
Because you made me believe I caused the friction

Maybe I am not a symbol of perfection
But you are not so forgiving of anyone else's flaws,
Than you are of your own
Keep that grudge if you want to
And I will pretend to forget everything that I saw

I never once betrayed your trust
You said we were forever and I really believed
But then you left me standing
Because I didn't mean the same to you
Now I let you go, this is simply the way that I grief

And I know the days will become better without you
One day you will become not more than a memory to me too

Finding myself again

I know I am finding myself again
Because I have the urge to create
The urge to write
The urge to hate, 
To smother, to love

I am the sadness in your eyes
And I am finding my words
As I walk through everything
That has ever hurt
That has ever lived

I am child of despair
Poetry born out of the purest hatred
A touch of all that the past gave me
And I am not afraid
I am my own fear

My pain is turned to art
My pen becomes a weapon once more
And there's no way
That I will ever close the door
On the source

Because this is who I am and I am finding myself again

The secret

I have this big secret
I carry it with me in my bones
I don't know if I can trust anyone with it
And it makes me feel alone

Sometimes I am broken
Beyond time and beyond repair
And every time I try to pick up the pieces
I find pieces of me not there

I still have flashbacks of the days that I am dying
And I still remember those days that I spend crying

I fear judgment in their eyes
Every time they look at me and know
The hard question beyond their fear of me
When will she break down again?
And I
I just don't know

I wish I never told you
Because now you hide away
And all that I can do is nothing at all
I'm still left feeling ashamed

Do you fear who I am
Are you scared of what I can do
You try not to look at me like I'm insane
But I see the words inside of you

My world is getting smaller everytime I close my eyes
Will my world end on one final fading sigh?

I wish I could make you understand
That I am not something to fear
I am trapped between the shades of grey
Not seeing eye to eye with myself
Everything
Remains unclear

Can I tell anyone why I am breaking down?
Or am I better of being alone with this?
Flying between those different worlds
Consciously aware of everything that I miss
The only person I'm hurting is myself
The only thing I wanted to do is hold out my hand
I am still the same person I always was
But you leave me wondering why you won't understand

Will this turn me into an outcast
Always of the border of this reality
Never to touch human words with my hands again
All because you believe
You should be
Afraid of me

So I keep my secret hidden in fear of what happen next
Because the loneliness  is burned into my mind
The safest place to hide behind

Connect

And
I am
tired
of trying
to connect
with
people.
I
stay,
right outside
their
minds,
so they
won't
have to
think
about
me. 

Don't want to

Behind your eyes there's nothing left to see
You took all that I knew and then you buried me
An empty shell and words that mean nothing
Did I ever ask you for anything?

You keep on turning excuses into growing lies
My lack of trust shouldn't come as a surprise
If it's forgiveness that you need to see
You better stop staring at me

Because it's much too late
And there's nothing left for you to gain
So you better not strain your self

Do you want me on the edge
Hitting the ground before the sun sets
And my whole life begans again

Climbing over the rubbish inside your mind
You really think that life has left you behind
I guess that some things will never change
Nothing more than a crumpled up page

Maybe once I wished to see
If you had something to say to me

Maybe once I wished to feel
If the connection was ever real

And now I don't want you to
And I never needed you
And now I don't want you to
And I never needed you
And I never needed you

All that remains

There was this image inside my mind
An idea of a picture perfect life
You used to be a part of it

Every time I looked inside your eyes
That picture forgot all of the lies
And I felt like I was well fed

But the picture has long since faded
I burned the remains with your hatred
On the ashes I rebuild myself

It's the perfect time for you to leave
Get out of my mind and take away your grief
Because I am done talking to you