The secret

I have this big secret
I carry it with me in my bones
I don't know if I can trust anyone with it
And it makes me feel alone

Sometimes I am broken
Beyond time and beyond repair
And every time I try to pick up the pieces
I find pieces of me not there

I still have flashbacks of the days that I am dying
And I still remember those days that I spend crying

I fear judgment in their eyes
Every time they look at me and know
The hard question beyond their fear of me
When will she break down again?
And I
I just don't know

I wish I never told you
Because now you hide away
And all that I can do is nothing at all
I'm still left feeling ashamed

Do you fear who I am
Are you scared of what I can do
You try not to look at me like I'm insane
But I see the words inside of you

My world is getting smaller everytime I close my eyes
Will my world end on one final fading sigh?

I wish I could make you understand
That I am not something to fear
I am trapped between the shades of grey
Not seeing eye to eye with myself
Everything
Remains unclear

Can I tell anyone why I am breaking down?
Or am I better of being alone with this?
Flying between those different worlds
Consciously aware of everything that I miss
The only person I'm hurting is myself
The only thing I wanted to do is hold out my hand
I am still the same person I always was
But you leave me wondering why you won't understand

Will this turn me into an outcast
Always of the border of this reality
Never to touch human words with my hands again
All because you believe
You should be
Afraid of me

So I keep my secret hidden in fear of what happen next
Because the loneliness  is burned into my mind
The safest place to hide behind