You
said I lied,
I
said I hide,
You
said you won´t believe me.
You
said I blew things up
Right
our their proportions
But
you think that cause you won´t believe me.
But
there are these things you have never seen.
An
image in the dark and that image is me.
You
said you won´t listen and I don´t think you will watch
And
see me lying here so still while the world rushes.
I
am lying here in the dark because my body deceives me
And
you don´t know.
I
can´t bare the light, I can´t bare the sound and I can´t bare the
silence either
And
you won´t know.
It
is my truth, after just 2 things of doing, my punishment for trying
to feel alive
And
you can´t know.
I
live my life in less than half the time I have to spend and it makes
me sad
And
I don´t think you want to know.
How
many times I have spend here crying
Between
the sheets inside this room.
How
many times I wonder if I should be
More
scared for life than I am to die.
How
many times I have been trapped here
With
my thoughts to roam and how they feel like doom.
How
many times I tried to smile and how
Many
times I meant it and oh god I try….
And
you don´t know the aftermath of everything I tried to do.
And
you don´t know the eruption of guilt I feel for just being me.
And
you don´t know how I tried to fix things without losing myself
In
the process and you don´t know how I wished that I could be
Someone
else. Just for you.
Just
for me.
Just
for them.
Just
for the world that seems
Open
at my feet and I can´t fucking reach,
Oh
why can´t I reach?
I
can always forgive but I am never able to forget
And
I am not able to play the part and pretend
That
everything never happened,
But
I am lying here in the dark and you don´t know,
But
secretly you already judged me for doing so.
There
is no one but you who can change that.
This
is not what I wanted, but you don´t see.
This
is not how I imagined life to turn out, but you don´t know.
This
is not the future of being me I thought, but you don´t see.
I
never wanted this at all, and still you don´t know.
So
call me a sick sick little liar,
And
now I will hide only further.
Back
in the dark room where no one can´t see me.
Maybe
my body is protecting me from your judgment.
But
I hardly reckon it is needed,
Your
silence is deafening,
And
I think I need to let go,
Because
there is nothing threatening
About
everyone of you who turned around
While
I am lying here in this dark room,
Filling
up my days,
Not
making any sound.
Unwilling
to see me lying here filling my days
Is
rather telling of the little ways
You
live in your world, and I in mine
And
you don´t want to be proven wrong and that´s fine.
Maybe
one day I will stop counting the days
Until
the pain will just become painful memories
Or
everything turns to scars and we find a way
To
become closer again, but I won´t hold my breath.
I
am lying here in the dark room, and you have hurt me,
Without
even knowing so, my friend.
