Slipping

 

Could have told you I was burning.

You’d burn yourself saying you don’t see the fire.

Could have told you I was drowning.

You would walk into the water to call me a liar.

Tried to tell you that I changed.

But your hands are stuck on my deadname.

Tried to tell you I’m not ashamed.

But some things will always stay the same.

You understand anything but me.

You want me to be someone else, 

but I am not she.

I am my own creation,

I am of my own making.

But sometimes I just want to hear

That you think I am ok.

That you think I won’t break

Under the weight 

Of everything in me

That other people hate.

That I am loved

In the same way

As all the other people

You say,

You understand.

Shy away from past pains,

Ones I never dared you to make.

Shy away from the repeat,

But you recycle the mistakes.

I am not the one you see.

Close your eyes, and drown me in 

Expectations of me.

I am my own salvation,

I am a God in making.

But sometimes I just want to know,

I am an ok human.

I am humanity,

Not a fault in the system.

Take out all my roots

And have someone bless them.

I am not a product

My soul is not for sale.

But you have been riding

On my tail,

And you’re slipping.

Take me as I am, as me.

I am not going to change and

I’m done asking you  please.

Icarus holds me

 

Wasn’t it enough when it broke me before?

What was it that made you realize?

“All those memories opened a door

And it is my time to invade her mind (again).”

I keep remembering things slowly,

Never all of it, never all at once.

Just as I think I have written my story,

There is another thing I found wrong.

I can’t cope with all those looks of pity people give to me.

I can’t cope with the sadness in their eyes. 

I don’t want empathy, I fucking want you all to lie.

Tell me this was normal.

Tell me everyone understands.

Tell me you have memories

That broke you down with

The demands.

Tell me this is normal,

Tell me all is fine. 

Stop telling me you’re sorry.

I refuse what you give,

It isn't mine.

Wasn’t it enough when it drowned me?

Haven't I died enough for you?

I am just a performance away, I see,

From becoming your loyal fool.

Well God never saved my mind and that is alright.

I can’t cope with your ideas of healing.

I just want your lies about what I'm feeling.

Just tell me this is normal.

Because I need to know

Someone understands me

Enough to break me

And let it go.

Tell me this is normal, please,

Tell me this is normal.

I am tired of lying here in

Emptiness curled around

Me like a ball.

But I am not the one who can undo the treads of time.

Unless I am the one who sends my soul to hell.

And I do love life, it’s just… It’s just…. Well…

I need to know I’m normal.

Trauma, scars and all.

If you make me hope soar,

I can accept every

Time I fall.

Just get me closer to the sun.

Icarus

 

I have to let you do this.

I have to let you do this on your own.

I have to let you take all the hits.

Have to let you break all alone.

I can’t pull you out the water,

But I won’t let you drown.

Just have to make certain,

You won’t also pull me down.

Cause you’re not the only one

That is slowly crumbling apart.

I cannot keep growing your mind

While breaking my own heart.

You have gone full Icarus,

Burning things down in your fall.

I can’t be ready to catch you,

But I will be here when you call.

Hou gewoon je bek

 

Ah gut, het is weer eens zo ver.

Ah gut, gaan we weer eens hoor.

Altijd weer discriminerende klotezooi

Geuit tussen neus en lippen door.

Het enige ironische aan wat je zei,

Was dat je niet wist wat ironie was.

Ik ga niet de moeite doen om te lachen

Voor een mislukking van een grap.

Daarmee bedoel ik natuurlijk jou,

Daarmee bedoel ik natuurlijk jouw geboorte.

Maar je bent nu eenmaal hier aangekomen,

Wat zeg je? Oh oh stoort het?

Stoort het als je opeens in de spotlight

Staat van een paar kutopmerkingen?

Ik vind het werkelijk opmerkelijk,

Kan je opeens zelf ook niet tegen die dingen?

Oh nee, oh nee, mijn schat.

Oh nee, oh nee, je privilege,

Nee mijn lieverd, je arme hart.

Zonder voor 1 seconde, wat een kutleven.

Ja, je bent tuurlijk ook zo makkelijk

Om te smelten als een sneeuwvlok.

Ah kom op nou heb wat humor, 

Waarom doe je nou zo opgefokt?

Was je niet te druk bezig,

Om zogenaamd een helikopter te zijn?

Maar als ik nu opeens over jou lul,

Dan doet het tuurlijk wel pijn.

Was je niet te druk bezig,

Met wie waar besluit te pissen?

Echt hou op met mij hoor,

Ik kan je mening missen.

Echt ik kan je stilte aanraden,

Laat mensen nu eens met rust.

Doe je speentje in je bekkie,

En hou je gesust.

Almost 4 years now

 

You think I asked for this silence?

I can not remember when I forgot how to scream.

You think I deserved all your violence?

These marks are showing on my skin.

I see you are made out of faces.

A single tear lining them out.

I thought I knew how you laced them.

But now it has left me in doubt.

Stop stitching my mouth into your image.

Start asking me why I don’t smile.

Stop asking me not to pull at the stitches.

While you still remain in denial.

I am having my conversations

In the protection of my heart.

Cause I lost all my lamentations

And it is pulling me apart.

You want to take my words

And my ability to talk.

Cause I wear my heart on my sleeve

And you want my heart.

You want my heart and my brain,

Yes you want my promise,

That I will never remind you,

I will just give you silence.

But I think I am done being silenced,

I think I am ready to start screaming.

I will take all our conversations

And wear them out on my skin.

I will wear them as a mask,

To protect from your spit.

Whatever good you think you do,

I promise you’re not doing it.