Stay in the past

 

You keep telling me I am not forthcoming.

But I honestly don’t know what you want to hear.

Didn’t you like the taste of my trauma?

Or did the drama make you crave for more?

My past is not for my dear.

But whether or not you want to believe me,

Please understand the reason that I shut the door

Right into your smiling face, 

Slowly breaking your manicured nails

As my heart rose off  the floor.

If I turned my back on your threats barely veiled

You would have sunk those nails in my back.

Drowning out my resistance,

Making me grant all of your wishes.

And I can no longer crack.

I never wanted the power you promised me.

It was the promise of violence that made me fall deep.

It reminded me of the memories I couldn’t keep.

Of the child I could not be.

I never wanted the fame you sold to me.

All I was looking for was some familiarity.

A threat of a slap was all I needed to see

I was falling into cycles known to me.

You were the abuse people said would never leave.

The idea that I earned everything coming my way.

That I was so bad as a person,

Unworthy of the love others got for free.

But this isn’t ok.

I am not perfect but I never claimed to be.

Unworthier persons than me are treated with more dignity.

I deserve some love like everyone…

I deserve some peace and rest.

Just let me rest up a little please.

I don’t want to remember anymore.

Go. Go. Please go. Stop leaving the door,

Open.