That day

First thought that day.

Can I count how much I said I love you?

Cause a million times is still not enough, ok.

I need time to remedy it.

Second thought.

I should share this with you.

And then I remember that I cannot.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Third thought in sight.

Please please please please please.

Oh please please please please be alright.

Please please please PLEASE.

Broken dreams like shattered plates

On the floor with my memories.

Hope and fear were warring for first place,

But panic had taken over.

Only now I can finish this poem.

Only now I can write this down.

My mind still scattered and ready to blow.

Realisation finally setting in.

Shatter

I feel like I'm choking.

When will my breath come back?

My mouth can not open.

Will I drown in all of it?

God this fucked my brain up.

I know that things won't change.

But I'm panicking and I can't stop.

What if I'm too late?

I rather hide than heal. 

It's the only way to cope with a crisis.

I rather skip this song then feel.

Lie to myself to feel better.

But I cannot stop the breaking.

Once the cracks come, they keep going.

And if I keep pushing it all in.

I'll shatter under the pressure.

Got to say

I got to say I feel my trust is broken.

I got to say, I turned quite paranoid.

I keep on watching over my shoulder,

Expecting another dagger to fill the void.

I really thought I knew things.

That I had my life all figured out. 

I feel shattered and unsupported.

That simple knowing, now filled with doubt.

I have a feeling that this is not me.

No I know, but not how to change. 

This has made me goddamn suspicious,

This has altered something in my brain.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop,

Another edition to the pairs that did.

I got to say, yes this has changed me.

I almost broke myself just to fit.

Sour panic

The taste of a panic attack.

Every night I wake up to

The sensation of falling onto the bed.

I can't keep up.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overstimulated.

My thoughts won't stop.

My heart is racing.

It's catching up on me.

The way things  

Slotted out of place.

And I can't be

The person I want to be.

I am trying to bury it down deep.

Every time I remember 

My thoughts get away from me.

This is scaring me beyond belief.

I don't want to lose myself 

To the emotions and the grief.

The taste of a panic attack.

Bitter and salty on the tongue

Like the sweat on the back of my neck.

I'm one step closer. 

To that cliff I remember. 

That fall I won't forget.

I feel I should get over

It but I just can't.

I'm one step away

From being commited

To that familiar feeling 

Of always fail-

ing to keep hold of me.

Yeah, I think I am losing it.

Sliding back into the state 

Of racing thoughts and disillusionment.

The taste of a panic attack.

Like the scream trapped in my throat.

That background noise of continuous stress. 

I can't stop this panic attack. 

Too much has happened 

And I can't get those days back.

(Stop thinking about it stop thinking about it stop thinking about it stop thinking about it)

The taste of a panic attack.

The world is too loud too bright and

I cannot take much more of that.

I need the world to stop.

Please just let me heal.

Heart beats like it's a race.

How can I keep up?

This is way too much.

I feel way too much.

I wish I remembered how to breathe. 

Emote

Time is catching up on me,

Sadness creeping in.

I spend my days running, 

But now as I'm standing still

Life is breaking up on me,

Everything is changing fast.

I got to say that I feel lost 

Trying to make sense of it all.

I feel the weight of it now.

I feel just way too much.

My skin burns under the touch

Of emotions running rampant. 

I feel the weight of it all.

I feel the pressure to crack.

And there is simply no turning back

To what was before.

They didn't mean it

They didn't mean that. 

They didn't mean what they said.

They just had a beer or two.

You know how they are, always the fool.

They didn't mean to call you names. 

Why take it seriously, are you not ashamed?

They didn't mean it the way you think they did.

Why take it seriously, forget about it!

I am sure they never really said that.

And if they did, they didn't mean it like that.

You know they always have a good intentions. 

I'm getting sick of you creating tensions. 

I really thought you knew them better, you know.

I'm disappointed in YOU, why don't you let it go.

They didn't mean to touch your hair. 

It was just a grazing, why do you care.

They didn't mean to discriminate.

If it was even that, they're unable to hate.

They didn't mean to touch you that way.

It was just to move you out of the way.

It was meant to be innocent. 

Weird that this is what gets you all bend.

No they didn't mean to do that thing.

They were just partying.

They didn't mean to rape or assault.

It was always just accidental.

They didn't mean to not hire you, 

And they didn't mean to fire you.

They didn't mean to call you a slur.

They didn't mean to misgender you, sir.

They didn't mean to ignore what you said.

So now I will too, so don't you forget

That it's important you know they didn't mean it.

So let me remind you of this:

They didn't mean to turn your world upside down.

So why are you being so loud?

We never learned

Play it like a fiddle.

Turn the tide on me.

You have the audience captivated.

You're all that they can see.

Just play the emotion.

Captivate the room.

Call me a disruption.

The one that's hurting you.

Express the pain in a way 

That the others will eat it up,

Than stitch my mouth together

 Lose me in that full stop.

That's the way to go.

Just make it personal.

So no one looks at what happened.

And I'm ready to fall. 

Hook line and sinker, 

You got your way. 

My existence hollowed

My hurt remains erased.

But this song isn't about you.

Neither is my pain. 

Neither is the heartbreak when

I replay this in my brain.

So I have hidden my sorrow 

And hurt in my anger.

It doesn't sit in my stomach like a stone.

Life turned knowledge into strangers,

And it still makes me feel alone.

Devolving

I find myself repeatedly mourning

Those that are still here.

Broken hearts and bigger changes,

A loss of things that were.

Not just people but things I know

Seem to be unravelling. 

I find myself unable to keep up

With the pace of things changing.

Vast held beliefs and those I know

Are suddenly now unknown.

Brains and psyches slightly broken,

My grief overgrown.

The past is not the present,

And is not the future.

Evolving and devolving.

Nothing is certain, of that I'm sure.

Sacrificed

It is always unexpected.

It always catches you by surprise.

When words suddenly become biting.

And Whats turn into Whys?

Arguments that do your head in,

Accusations running circles in your thoughts.

And if the truth gets me turned into the villain, 

I embrace being what I am not.

I have to say that I am sad and angry.

I have to say that I now lack trust. 

The truth is that you broke me.

To protect myself, I did what I must. 

If that makes me into the problem.

If you want my sanity sacrificed.

If you want the world to believe what you do.

Go ahead and lie.

Fists

Spit it out.

How does it feel?

Tell me the truth now.

Then weave them a story.

Turn me inside out.

Rewrite me,

In the image 

You want them to see.

I'm used to that happening.

It means nothing to me.

You're telling me nothing I didn't hear before.

You're not the first to say I ruin everything.

I used to believe it in my core, but I know

That is what you need to tell yourself.

I might be stubborn and headstrong

But I'm not wrong.

You might see me as destruction, 

If that's what you want.

If you need to hate, than hate me.

If you need a villain, look no further.

As long as you leave me be,

I'll gladly be your punching bag.

Fuck everyone

Who says everything happens for a reason. 

You're wrong. 

Broken thrones

Stay.

Don't stay.

Don't remain the same,

But just for another day,

Don't let anything change,

So I can remember.

So I can pretend forever

Was ever an option.

Let me stay.

I can't stay.

It's such a shame.

I waited and I prayed,

Just to take the blame.

But just for tonight,

Let me pretend you made things right.

If that's OK with you?

The truth is I still want to fool my own heart. 

Rewind the tape than tear it apart.

Flashback myself into a different meaning.

But things will always keep moving forward.

No.

Nothing

Never becomes something. 

Never stays the same.

Doesn't turn to truth

And that's a shame.

That's not reality.

And that is not me.

No No No.

Nothing

Never is anything

More than what we're seeing. 

And I won't let myself

Play at pretending.

Cause that's not me.

And that's not reality.

The truth is I don't want to let things go.

But deep inside of me I know I know

That I can't break myself apart to kindle your flame.

I can't burn myself to keep things burning.

It's time for me

To see.

Let me see.

Truthfully.

That I'm still me.

Now matter what, I still have that.

Now matter how sad 

I feel.

Cause I rather be lonely walking down memory lane,

Than remember the person you wanted me to burn away.

It will be heartbreak but I will be ok.

It will be grief, but I will be me.

Cause I rather heal my wounds than keep them from scabbing over.

I rather cry my heart out over a time that is now over. 

And find myself climbing out of the ashes

Not having lost myself.

Multiply

I have the feeling you still don't understand.

You frown your privilege and than demand

A pin in action and a silence in protest.

As if we are here to be a balm for your soul.

You offered your bodies but never put them on the line.

Then you go about your day and pretend all is fine.

Annoyed by those who broke the flow you liked.

Eating up propaganda,

Yoga studios and a green smoothie detox.

Putting the news items behind keyless locks.

As long you can sleep through the nights, 

And still believe in politicians.

Those lies are always easier to swallow.

Giving you rules to follow

So you don't need to think for yourself. 

It shouldn't have taken so long to be kind.

We all need you to see,

Your silence does not feed more than misery.

The entire world is burning down.

That never translates into a singular action.

Heartbreak

I have been a question mark,

I have been living in denial.

I haven't faced my sorrow,

And just stayed angry for a while.

Something broke.

Not something in me.

But something tangible.

Like trust in an image

And trust in a memory.

Truth is,

Heartbreak without the romance 

Is still heartbreak in the end.

It's the same old same pain

When you lose your friends,

Then lose yourself.

It doesn't matter what they say.

That's still heartbreak anyway. 

THAT is still pain. 

A break up.

No comma, just full stop.

That's still soul loss

Love is still love like that,

It's nothing less.

You don't measure love in kisses.

Sometimes it's voids and near misses. 

Going back to start and not knowing (eachother).

The silence always overflowing.

Mijn lichaam

Vele handen 

Dansen

Over mijn lichaam.

Positioneren mijn been.

Trekken aan

Mijn borsten.

Mijn gedachten gaan heen.

Wees stil.

Sta stil.

Beweeg niet.

Trek de adem dieper,

De adem die je inhield.

Ik volg het commando op autopilot.

Doe de acties en herhaal het.

Opnieuw en opnieuw en opnieuw.

Zolang ik maar niet hoef te denken. Zolang ik maar niet hoef te zijn.

Dissociëren uit gewoonte. 

Een uiting van pijn.

~*~

Lief lichaam,

Te vaak ben ik gemeen tegen je.

Je doet niet wat ik wil

En mijn hele leven ligt stil

Terwijl ik stil lig.

Te vaak ben ik hard tegen je.

Duw ik ruw tegen je grenzen

Omdat al mijn wensen

Zwaarder wegen dan de jouwe.

Te vaak vertellen mensen mij

Dat ik niet hard genoeg ben

Als ik mij limieten niet ontkent 

En dat ik te jong ben voor dit alles.

Te vaak fluisteren ze gillend

“Het zit tussen je oren”.

Al die mensen wanen zich doctoren

Die mij allemaal het beste kennen.

Ik wil leren zachter te zijn maar ik weet niet hoe.

Niemand heeft mij ooit verteld hoe ik dat moet doen.

En als ik zachter ben, zullen ze dan harder zijn met jou en mij?

Lichaam, je voelt nu al niet alsof je van mij mag zijn.

~*~

Geen keuze in wie jou aanraakt,

Wanneer en waar.

Geen keuze in wie oordeelt en

Veroordeelt of staart.

Geen keuze in zichtbaar zijn,

Wanneer ik uiteindelijk buiten kom.

Ik voel mij een maatschappelijk goed,

En compleet afgestompt.

Een lichaam waarvan consent 

Word ontkent.

~*~

Ik ben niet van mijzelf.

Ik behoor tot de meningen,

De vooroordelen,

De diagnoses en mijn

Energie verdelen.

Ik behoor tot de

Ontoegankelijkheid die 

De maatschappij gekozen heeft.

Tot de validisme 

Die in het leeft.

Ik behoor tot pijn die onbehandeld blijft.

Ik behoor tot de eugenetica die maar niet sterft.

Ik behoor tot de familiegeschiedenis die ik erf.

Ik behoor tot alles waartegen ik strijd.

Wanneer behoor ik tot mij?

~*~

Soms voel ik je onder mijn eigen handen.

Voelt het anders als IK je aanraak,

Als MIJN vingers de vorm van mijn armen volgen?

Soms raak ik je aan met mijn tanden

Om te proeven wat anderen zien.

~*~

Ik erken.

Ik weet niet wie je bent,

Maar jij en ik 

En elke centimeter.

We zijn zo vaak samen. 

Ononderbroken.

Alleen in donkere kamers.

Alleen in de pijn.

Alleen in de vermoeidheid.

Alleen in de wegtikkende tijd

En in onze gebrek aan echte rust.

Ik beken.

Dit zou zoveel makkelijker zijn

Als ik luister naar jouw stem.

Als ik mijn weg vind 

Tussen de beperkingen 

En al de dingen die ik bemin

En nog wel kan doen.

Jij en ik één ding.

Ik ben de kapotte brug 

Tussen mijzelf 

En echte rust.

~*~

Controle is een mythe.

Keuze is beperkt.

Wat ik belichamen wil is acceptatie.

Ik ben wat ik heb. 

En al die handen,

Vermoeidheid 

En vingers in rare standen,

Wissen mij niet uit.

The changes

I'm one breath away from drowning,

I am afraid to say.

I tried to hold my breath in silence.

But the feelings won't go away.

Too many things that are different.

Too many things have changed.

I don't know the way to get through this.

I'm running hard but can't keep pace.

I tried looking unbreakable.

I tried pretending I am unharmed.

But I can't pretend I am able

To keep up looking ready and armed.

No I'm barely holding it together. 

I'm a walking panic attack. 

If I break will I feel better?

If I forget, will my life come back?

But life has changed beyond recognition

And time is simply ticking on.

This will be my new normal.

Always askew and somewhat wrong.

Hate

I hope they hate us.

I hope they do.

I hope they curse me in their sleep

And then curse you. 

I hope they hate us.

I will understand. 

No matter how much they scream,

We're still too silent.

I hope they hate us.

I hate us as well.

I hate all of you

And I hate myself. 

Bury the lie

That gaslight always changes.

I can see it in the corner of my eye.

All those fluctuations 

You say are made up lies.

That lamplight has me confused.

It moves and I keep tripping.

You told me it was always right there.

That my mind must be slipping.

That porchlight has me irrate. 

It's flick-flick-flickering night and day.

You told me it's not real.

That I just went to bed too late.

You tell me I don't have a thought.

Then you tell me I have no sight.

Than you tell me to grab a torch.

Just listen and all will be all right.

You tell me I don't have a brain.

Then you say: “Make up your mind.”

Then you say “Just listen what I say 

Or I will leave you behind.”

Then you said “I never said that once.”

Then you said what I said was wrong. 

God, you're hurting all of my thoughts.

I wish I could just pretend al day long.

BUT

I have to wonder why

You want to convince me all is fine?

Is this what it means to be friends?

Cycling through another test?

That gaslight has me all confused.

And I know I can smell the gas.

I've let myself become empty to rot.

But it's me I won't second guess.

Rituals

Exhale

Exhale.

Remember to exhale. 

The whirlwind of emotions 

Have no place to escape 

If you hold your breath.

I know you are just going through the motions.

But you have to swallow 

If only to keep things down.

To keep things out like that. 

No one will die 

If you take a breather. 

You not existing 

Won't make the end not come closer.

You don't have power like that. 

You're barely resisting

Your mind.

You're not the one to fight 

With life 

And win.

You can count all the bottles 

And then move to the floorboards 

And repeat it if you lost your place.

It won't throttle 

The buzzing.

It will just cramp up your face.

Anyway no one is winning. 

And everything will still 

Feel like a mistake. 

So you've got no choice anyway. 

If you count something, then count 

Your exhale, 

Then exhale.

Feel free to make it loud.

Maybe you remember then 

You're still alive.

Before you turn to counting the knives

And other rituals.

I won't be made unaware

I'm dealing with so many types of grief.

It takes hold of my brain and my only relief 

Is pretending my world has not burned to a crisp.

Cause I don't know how to deal with this.

I don't know how to give it space.

I'm overwhelmed and somewhat stuck in my place.

I'm doom thinking with nothing better to do.

There's no coming down of my mindset too.

Everything is demanding that I make room to heal.

But I rather hold on to all the thing that I feel.

I rather hold on cause it makes me feel prepared

In case something else hit and I'm unaware.

I really hoped life would give me a break.

There's only so much shit I can take.

There's only so tears I can bleed.

I need air and I forgot how to breathe. 

My undead dad

I was so afraid that she would die,

That I locked myself in my brain.

I have found different ways to cry,

And so many new forms of anger.

I can't count them on my vingers…..

You should be dead first, dad.

The grave has been calling your name.

Grim reaper has a list that

Has your name underlined on it.

In the end it always comes down to you.

It's always your fault and you know it too.

You look at our needs to know what not to give.

I'm afraid of what life will take and yet you still live

Your unnecessary life.

There's not a single reason that I know

That this is the way things should go.

It's a disruption to the state of the things.

I have written about your ending 

So many times.

So yeah,

You should go first.

It's the only way to heal my hurt.

You before her.

Send us a postcard from the dirt.

And if everything you know turns to ash

It's me who lit it up, I want you to know that.

And if your entire life finally turns to black,

Know that you can never take back

Your rotten soul.

Cause,

Yes, you should be gone.

Wtf is taking you so long.

All of this is wrong.

You're poisoning the pond.

I will make sure you go first.

I will hunt your guilt to make sure.

I hope you already taste the dirt.

I hope it will fucking hurt.

But one day you won't outrun it.

One day you need to catch your breath.

And I will be the one way waiting.

No longer will I be patient.

There's no such thing like borrowed time.

You stole our years and I want them back.

All of my terrors were yours, 

Now yours will be mine. 

Run…..

Morning

I'm afraid to sleep.

Yeah you don't need to tell me it's a need.

But if I fall to deep,

Will I wake up when the world needs me?

I'd rather creep the darkness.

If I'm always tired, I can pretend to feel less.

I'm a mess.

I will spend all my tears right into the silence.

What they don't see, they don't know.

I get to keep myself for me alone.

And if you came to me for a show.

Just go. I won't. 

Mourning has the sky painted red.

I trace my tears right back into my head.

As the night falls away, I return my mask.

Don't need strangers knowing what has me upset.

Bone tired

I don't want to open my door

To those who shouldn't be strangers

And stare into the gaslight.

I just want to sleep through the night

And not feel like dying anymore. 

I don't want to simply break my back 

Because no one believes I'm bending.

I don't want to move myself aside. 

Feel free to believe it's me unwilling to fight,

Or unready to take a stand.

I'm too exhausted to contemplate your demons.

Small

Small.

Suddenly she was so small.

A fragment of herself,

Locked in and shelved,

Like I almost didn't know her at all.

I could feel my breath stall.

An image burned into my eyeballs.

A force to be reckoned with,

Now a light they dimmed,

Bracing for another fall.

And in my head

Everything thundered down all

At once.

And in my head

I feel the breaking 

Of things that don't belong.

And in my head

Everything I am feels wrong.

And in my head 

A rage rages on.

God I'm so angry and I cannot stop.

Who shall I call on, on which door to knock?

To whom's God complex shall I lodge a complaint?

Why are you fuckers suddenly hidden away?

Goddamnit, this feels like theft,

How you fed on her insecurities and then left nothing left.

I think you should be fucking punished for it.

I think you need a fucking taste of this.

You got an opportunity to leave everything the same. 

You had an opportunity to keep people safe.

But this wasn't ever about what is right,

This was always about you feeling you're right. 

This was all about your fucking feelings of might.

And I hate that you can still sleep at night.

You are all the things that I found out I dislike.

A self congratulatory white coat I want to fight.

A self congratulatory white coat I want to burn away. Doctor.

As I repeat back everything you like to say. Doctor.

And then you think everything is OK. Doctor.

What the hell did you have to gain. By this. 

Oh why?

Can someone explain why

I didn't recognise her eyes.

That faraway look,

It felt like a lie.

But the truth for sure

Is reality hurts

All the time.

It disconnects my life.

It discombobulates my mind.

Hippocratic oath, be fucking damned.

Doing what you can was too much of a demand.

Every way to fix it, you had it all in your hands.

You dropped the fucking ball, then called it out of your hands.

You can brush yourself off and still pat your own back.

Then turn a sympathetic face on and ignore what you lack.

Ignore all the criticisms and ignore all your faults, Like

It was all just fine and it's making my blood spike.

I really want you to feel what I feel and all I feel is panic.

The loss is overwhelming and it's making me manic.

I no longer sleep cause I fear something will go wrong.

So I hide away my dreams and wake up with the sun.

And the pain is overwhelming, I feel so depressed. 

I try to keep it together but fuck I'm a mess.

And I'm drowning, I am drowning, Fuck I'm so sad.

You should have fucking listened to her, even I knew that.

Distraught.

All I am is distraught.

Even her voice changed

Into something she is not.

You made the invincible 

Into something invisible

To your eyes, doc.

Everything I knew

And everything I thought

Changed.

Small.

Suddenly she was so small.

She used to be invincible.

Can you tell me why,

You shot a hero from the sky?

And never realises it was your fault?

Do you still sleep at night?

Leave your worries behind?

We'll never be able.

Truly. Fuck you all.

Sit with me.

Can I leave something with you?

Can I leave something behind?

I need to breathe for a second,

Cause I'm going out of my mind.

Can I sit for a minute?

Can I take in some air?

Just to release some panic,

Then I'm out of your hair.

I just need a moment 

And then I'm good to go.

Just let me cry a little,

No one needs to know. 

Thank you for the space,

For the moment of release.

I need to go now cause

Life doesn't seem to ease.

Panic

“Hi. Nice to see you. How are things going?”

How's life treating you, how are you doing?

Like it's an easy thing that needs answering.

I'm a broken high voltage wire zapping.

I don't know how to explain this.

The truth is, I'm in a constant state of panic.

What if something happens and I miss it?

I've been looking for words to give.  

I'm just an empty vat of anxiety meds.

My mind wiring away and driving me mad.

All those thoughts send my nerves on a test.

Nights of sleep that I fully lack.

I've been trying to survive.

Riding out the pain on an adrenaline high.

I cried so much you think my tear ducts are dry.

Dissociated just to look alive. 

I've been trying to just get through my day. 

And I can tell you that there is simply no way.

I don't think I will ever be ok.

This hurts deep inside my brain.

This is not a thing I can explain.

That slow fade into feeling completely insane.

I'm bone tired and bone wired, my anxiety stains.

What is you want me to say?

If I let it out, I will break.

If I speak another word to this, I'll be unmade.

There's a limit to how much I can take.

So I'll bottle it up and bury it away.

“I'm as good as can be, you know how life is.”

I lie through my teeth, then smile to sell it.

No one acknowledges the pain, how heavy it sits.

And I slowly stew away in my panic.

I stew away in my panic. 

I stew away in my panic.

Watch me dissolve into panic.

I've been counting the stars every night.

Looked at prayer as another thing to try.

This has me choking on life, I can't lie.

I'm scared out of my goddamned mind.

ME Writers block

All the hours have been tasting the same.

I want release but my body is not ok.

I'm not demanding it write an entire play.

Just please don't be in my way.

Let me touch my fingers to a screen.

Write my letters before I continue to bleed.

I just need to find a way to relieve 

Every single part of me.

Where are the poems I thought I knew?

They slip through my fingers then start anew.

My notebook filled with all my truths, 

As unfinished as my mood.

I lost the way into my head.

There's so much chaos and I can't connect.

I'm exhausted and I can't rest.

Spent my days rotting away in my bed.

The noise so loud it became silent.

Is this the way my life was meant

To be filled until death relents?

I'm chasing my thoughts to no end.

I can't control this

Life wrote another limbo and for what?

You want me strong, well I am not.

You want me growing, I am no plant.

But no matter how much I say I can't,

I'll water myself with my tears.

Ontsnappen

Handen dansen voor mijn gezicht.

Ik herinner me de vlekken die de verf achterliet.

Zachte bewegingen terwijl ik lig.

Soms voelt het alsof het enige wat ik doe is liggen.

Er is niets nieuws tussen zon op 

en zon neer en ik herken elke seconde.

De tijd is het enige wat niet stopt,

hoe hard ik er ook om vraag.

Even een moment om adem te happen.

Even een seconde voor acceptatie.

Ik weet dat ik niet kan ontsnappen.

Maar even, even zonder pijn.

Ik zoek mijn heil tussen de woorden.

Tussen de bladzijde en mijn pen.

Waar ik mijn emoties heb waarborgen.

Pijn omgebogen tot een creatie.

Ik zoek mezelf tussen stiften en papier.

Tussen de kleuren die iets vertellen.

Ik mis de simpliciteit en het plezier

van ongeremd mezelf terugvinden.

De kunst en ik, ooit onbevangen,

nu elk moment voorzichtig afgewogen.

Nog kan het altijd weer afhangen

van de staat waarin ik mijzelf bevind.

Mijn spontaniteit afgenomen, en langzaam

sterft inspiratie in notitieboekjes.

Onafgemaakte werken die eenzaam

verborgen raken onder het stof. 

Maar in m'n brein staat de hemel nog open.

In m'n brein vuren de neuronen erop los.

Dat is mij nog lang niet afgenomen. 

Ik ben de geheime kunstenaar.

Elke creatie gecreëerd, verwarmt mijn benen. 

Elke tekening een pil tegen de pijn.

En van mijn kruin tot aan mijn tenen,

zal ik altijd een dichter blijven.

Zal ik altijd zelf kunst zijn.

You're a nothing man

It's you against me now.

I have to admit,

I knew it would come to this.

You’re not surprising.

You think you own the world.

Bow down to me.

You want me on my knees

But I am not fallen.

Not here to lick your heels.

To fill your lust.

I leave you in the dust.

You think you can make me?

But baby you are no Saphho,

You demand my pen.

You are just a man.

False Gods renewed.

Let us wage the war you crave.

You demand silence.

I will never offer obedience.

I will just give you these words.

Fuck you. You are nothing.

Kings fall the hardest.

Thrones crumble down the loudest.

And so do men, time and time again.

Old memories

Old memories drift up

Like oil and slick, I'm stuck

In the mud and debris, no give and 

I find myself reliving.

You. Not always you.

But you this time.

Always there to take center

Stage, spotlight, shine.

(There we go)

(Back again)

Got to say that I'm confused. 

I hold my soul and it is bruised.

I got to say that I don't get it.

I got to say that I am panicked.

You said I could hold your hand 

But all I've touched is back.

You say you speak for me

But only the silence speaks.

You're always the difficult one if you speak up.

A strong opinion and you disrupt.

Maybe you're right and I'm too much.

Is this what it is, my friend?

A bit difficult and it's me that's bad.

A shiney backbone and that's too bad.

Can't build peace if I don't offer my head

On a plate.

Maybe you're right that I'm inpatient.

But maybe I'm not wrong that it's wrong, 

It sits heavy on my stomach and you let it.

It sits heavy on my tongue.

Maybe you're right that I'm too demanding.

Maybe you're right, I have too many feelings.

But maybe why, Am I the only one that is

Not allowed to have feelings?

And why isn't it ok to express them?

Why is it always too much?

I feel you want this to be shelved

And forgotten,

But I think maybe I want better for myself.

So am I too much

Just because

I express what I need,

What went wrong,

Do I take too long

To forget?

Am I the breaking of peace?

Is that what you see?

So am I the one

That need to undo

What's been done,

Shut my eyes 

And just lie,

Say that I’m fine?

I am breaking inside of me.

That's what you don't see.

Why do I need to fix what's been done to me?

Why do I need to be silent in the name of harmony?

Why do I need get all the why's of the others,

And why when it's my turn it's why bother?

I open my eyes and I remember.

All the damage you did long ago.

You left my life and it's for the better.

But I still carry it in my bones.

I carry it in heart palpitations.

I carry it every time I am insecure.

You said you made my life better.

You should’ve been less sure.

(You got it so twisted.

When I close my ears,

I still hear it.)

The way I'm never small enough,

Never soft enough, never still enough,

Never calm enough, never enough to love, 

Just never ever ever enough. 

Old memories taught me well. 

And some days I still curse myself.

But most days I just am myself.

Proudly loud and overwhelmed. 

So loud it makes my mother proud.

Misunderstood

Your words mean nothing. 

Truth travels fast.

I spent the day following

The sound of

Splintering hearts.

It all means nothing.

Who you were in the past.

You said you understood

What we went through.

Guess not. 

You're so entangled up into who I used to be. 

How am I going to uncomplicate it?

I don't know how to feel.

I cannot dissociate myself into forgetting

The new example you have been setting. 

Now you'll be the hurt we will be healing.

Now you're the one tramping on our feelings.

Ripped stitches that held everything in place,

Has left me wondering about your true face.

It isn't really that complicated, you know.

You believe in our stories or you don't.

You cannot hold my hand 

And not hold my truth. 

In the end everything 

Meant absolutely 

Nothing to you.

To hell

Big words are easy when you have power.

Mouths run easy when you feel safe.

Protection that will cost you by the hour.

No one will tell you how to behave.

(Shame)

That spit flies easy if you're on the mountain.

Sleep as long as the distance between them.

I'm sure you spend your time lying.

I spend them dreaming of the end.

(Not mine)

And when it's you staring down the barrel of a gun

Do you think: “Oh we had a great run”?

Do you think: “Oh but we had so much fun”?

“Wonder if I can take my money along.”

(To hell)

Soul

It starts

Like it always starts. 

Open hearts, 

Pushed down.

What was the moment

We fell

Down into the pits, 

Hard into the well?

Dirth rising above us.

Swallowing, teeth bared.

I can hear them shouting.

See those who cared,

Turned their backs

In silence.

Walk away like violence.

And things are always 

Escalating, always, always,

Always violating.

I can't escape that.

And I won't try to.

It's leaving people behind.

Can't carry them in my mind,

And I need you, 

I need you, 

I need you to

Understand.

You try to steal our rainbow,

Try to steal our light.

To lose us in the beating. 

A perpetual night.

I feel lost without them.

I feel lost in the loss.

So alone

In the loud,

Loud sound of stone,

Rising up where once 

The colourful people 

Danced.

Now a farewell dance.

Now a dance with dead.

Nothing will stop us,

But you want to try,

See if you can.

And I can't lie.

My tears flow to freely

For that, For them.

You come with the tide.

Like a flood,

I just need to ebb.

You're a lot.

But you're not enough.

To stop.

To stop.

To stop

The coming rage. 

The coming storm.

Are you done?

Robot

I exist in parts and pieces.

Little bits outside of me.

This one keeps my blood pumping.

This one helps me breathe.

I exist in pills and wheels.

Little things that move my body.

This one keeps me from choking.

And this one helps me see.

I have a pill meant for thinking. 

I have a pill that helps me cope 

With the world that only sees

The parts and pieces, not me.

I exist in, but not just only.

I exist with, just never alone.

I exist, but you don't believe me.

I exist, and you think that's wrong.

No one loves you, rich boy

I will not be the first to break,

And never under your hand. 

You cannot erase my footprints,

They're made in cement. 

I will not be the one to crumble,

You don't have what it takes.

Sure, try to claim your victory medal

And bite down until it breaks.

Your worth is so fake.

Isn't that actual peace?

But what if I don't want to keep the peace?

Choke down the words until my stomach bleeds?

Why does it have to fall to me

To be the fix for what you feel?

And what if I don't keep my head down and bend?

Cut out my emotions until they are all spend?

Is this the example to set,

That healing is ignoring what bled?

What if I don't want to write myself off?

Just so you can pretend that nothing is wrong. 

To keep my feelings in a knot

Is simply to much to ask for.

So, what if I cannot keep the peace?

But rather focused on what keeps us healed?

Cause the things you say you need

Isn't what is good for me.

Entangled

I'd rather do nothing together,

Than travel the world and be apart.

If we can just lie still here together,

If it will calm your storming heart.

I'd rather have silence together,

Let us be who we want to be.

Why try to fit ourselves into spaces

That aren't made for you or me.

I'd rather just be us together,

And feel safe in the comfort we share.

Life's already so fucking complicated. 

I'm happy just sharing the same air.

The fight intensifies (a break before the storm)

I'm not sure how much more I can take.

The pressure keeps risen and I feel the breaks

In the way I am keeping myself together.

The panic attacks are filling up my days.

I feel the pain keenly and I'm not okay. 

It feels like people are waiting for me to break.

Not sure why because I was made broken

And the madness will never go away.

All the edges of me have already frayed,

And it is not anger, you see, I'm afraid.

It always ends with my heart broken

If I destroy the walls that I made.

Goddammit I am in such a state.

Wipe the tears with my thumb, dry my face.

I have always known what to do now,

Write a poem and go on with my day.

Glue

I wish I could forget that it happened.

Swallow it all down. 

Bury it in my stomach and let it fester.

Ignore it as it keeps coming up like stomach acid.

Ignore it as it keeps coming up like panic.

I'm always a little terrified.

But I like to hide it under verbosity. 

Ignore it as I plaster on the smile you see.

I am counting on my mask to set me free. 

Even if I'm a little cracked,

Even if it's always split in the middle.

No amount of broken cannot be hidden.

The hurt still comes out unbidden.

I can't keep it all stitched in.

Like the tears that drip from cheek to neck.

This is how I spilled and I won't take it back.

Between teeth

I want to be able to keep the words in my mouth,

Taste the vowels as they come out.

But now I weave sound

With panic

And I lose my verbs between the gap in my teeth.

In the taste of iron as my gums start to bleed.

Never once a single deed

Goes unpunished.

Every time my words go I am overcome with fear.

Will I be the next to also disappear? 

Everything already feels unclear,

My health shakey. 

So excuse me as I don't always verbalise well,

And every thought I have makes my brain swell.

I'm trying so hard to be able to tell

Why I'm hurting.

To the test

Gotta break it. 

Gotta paint it just right.

Tell my story 

Or else you just might

Take my lifeline.

Take the way I just might

Have a breath now.

So I can do the things right

And maybe survive.