I won't be made unaware

I'm dealing with so many types of grief.

It takes hold of my brain and my only relief 

Is pretending my world has not burned to a crisp.

Cause I don't know how to deal with this.

I don't know how to give it space.

I'm overwhelmed and somewhat stuck in my place.

I'm doom thinking with nothing better to do.

There's no coming down of my mindset too.

Everything is demanding that I make room to heal.

But I rather hold on to all the thing that I feel.

I rather hold on cause it makes me feel prepared

In case something else hit and I'm unaware.

I really hoped life would give me a break.

There's only so much shit I can take.

There's only so tears I can bleed.

I need air and I forgot how to breathe. 

My undead dad

I was so afraid that she would die,

That I locked myself in my brain.

I have found different ways to cry,

And so many new forms of anger.

I can't count them on my vingers…..

You should be dead first, dad.

The grave has been calling your name.

Grim reaper has a list that

Has your name underlined on it.

In the end it always comes down to you.

It's always your fault and you know it too.

You look at our needs to know what not to give.

I'm afraid of what life will take and yet you still live

Your unnecessary life.

There's not a single reason that I know

That this is the way things should go.

It's a disruption to the state of the things.

I have written about your ending 

So many times.

So yeah,

You should go first.

It's the only way to heal my hurt.

You before her.

Send us a postcard from the dirt.

And if everything you know turns to ash

It's me who lit it up, I want you to know that.

And if your entire life finally turns to black,

Know that you can never take back

Your rotten soul.

Cause,

Yes, you should be gone.

Wtf is taking you so long.

All of this is wrong.

You're poisoning the pond.

I will make sure you go first.

I will hunt your guilt to make sure.

I hope you already taste the dirt.

I hope it will fucking hurt.

But one day you won't outrun it.

One day you need to catch your breath.

And I will be the one way waiting.

No longer will I be patient.

There's no such thing like borrowed time.

You stole our years and I want them back.

All of my terrors were yours, 

Now yours will be mine. 

Run…..

Morning

I'm afraid to sleep.

Yeah you don't need to tell me it's a need.

But if I fall to deep,

Will I wake up when the world needs me?

I'd rather creep the darkness.

If I'm always tired, I can pretend to feel less.

I'm a mess.

I will spend all my tears right into the silence.

What they don't see, they don't know.

I get to keep myself for me alone.

And if you came to me for a show.

Just go. I won't. 

Mourning has the sky painted red.

I trace my tears right back into my head.

As the night falls away, I return my mask.

Don't need strangers knowing what has me upset.

Bone tired

I don't want to open my door

To those who shouldn't be strangers

And stare into the gaslight.

I just want to sleep through the night

And not feel like dying anymore. 

I don't want to simply break my back 

Because no one believes I'm bending.

I don't want to move myself aside. 

Feel free to believe it's me unwilling to fight,

Or unready to take a stand.

I'm too exhausted to contemplate your demons.

Small

Small.

Suddenly she was so small.

A fragment of herself,

Locked in and shelved,

Like I almost didn't know her at all.

I could feel my breath stall.

An image burned into my eyeballs.

A force to be reckoned with,

Now a light they dimmed,

Bracing for another fall.

And in my head

Everything thundered down all

At once.

And in my head

I feel the breaking 

Of things that don't belong.

And in my head

Everything I am feels wrong.

And in my head 

A rage rages on.

God I'm so angry and I cannot stop.

Who shall I call on, on which door to knock?

To whom's God complex shall I lodge a complaint?

Why are you fuckers suddenly hidden away?

Goddamnit, this feels like theft,

How you fed on her insecurities and then left nothing left.

I think you should be fucking punished for it.

I think you need a fucking taste of this.

You got an opportunity to leave everything the same. 

You had an opportunity to keep people safe.

But this wasn't ever about what is right,

This was always about you feeling you're right. 

This was all about your fucking feelings of might.

And I hate that you can still sleep at night.

You are all the things that I found out I dislike.

A self congratulatory white coat I want to fight.

A self congratulatory white coat I want to burn away. Doctor.

As I repeat back everything you like to say. Doctor.

And then you think everything is OK. Doctor.

What the hell did you have to gain. By this. 

Oh why?

Can someone explain why

I didn't recognise her eyes.

That faraway look,

It felt like a lie.

But the truth for sure

Is reality hurts

All the time.

It disconnects my life.

It discombobulates my mind.

Hippocratic oath, be fucking damned.

Doing what you can was too much of a demand.

Every way to fix it, you had it all in your hands.

You dropped the fucking ball, then called it out of your hands.

You can brush yourself off and still pat your own back.

Then turn a sympathetic face on and ignore what you lack.

Ignore all the criticisms and ignore all your faults, Like

It was all just fine and it's making my blood spike.

I really want you to feel what I feel and all I feel is panic.

The loss is overwhelming and it's making me manic.

I no longer sleep cause I fear something will go wrong.

So I hide away my dreams and wake up with the sun.

And the pain is overwhelming, I feel so depressed. 

I try to keep it together but fuck I'm a mess.

And I'm drowning, I am drowning, Fuck I'm so sad.

You should have fucking listened to her, even I knew that.

Distraught.

All I am is distraught.

Even her voice changed

Into something she is not.

You made the invincible 

Into something invisible

To your eyes, doc.

Everything I knew

And everything I thought

Changed.

Small.

Suddenly she was so small.

She used to be invincible.

Can you tell me why,

You shot a hero from the sky?

And never realises it was your fault?

Do you still sleep at night?

Leave your worries behind?

We'll never be able.

Truly. Fuck you all.

Sit with me.

Can I leave something with you?

Can I leave something behind?

I need to breathe for a second,

Cause I'm going out of my mind.

Can I sit for a minute?

Can I take in some air?

Just to release some panic,

Then I'm out of your hair.

I just need a moment 

And then I'm good to go.

Just let me cry a little,

No one needs to know. 

Thank you for the space,

For the moment of release.

I need to go now cause

Life doesn't seem to ease.

Panic

“Hi. Nice to see you. How are things going?”

How's life treating you, how are you doing?

Like it's an easy thing that needs answering.

I'm a broken high voltage wire zapping.

I don't know how to explain this.

The truth is, I'm in a constant state of panic.

What if something happens and I miss it?

I've been looking for words to give.  

I'm just an empty vat of anxiety meds.

My mind wiring away and driving me mad.

All those thoughts send my nerves on a test.

Nights of sleep that I fully lack.

I've been trying to survive.

Riding out the pain on an adrenaline high.

I cried so much you think my tear ducts are dry.

Dissociated just to look alive. 

I've been trying to just get through my day. 

And I can tell you that there is simply no way.

I don't think I will ever be ok.

This hurts deep inside my brain.

This is not a thing I can explain.

That slow fade into feeling completely insane.

I'm bone tired and bone wired, my anxiety stains.

What is you want me to say?

If I let it out, I will break.

If I speak another word to this, I'll be unmade.

There's a limit to how much I can take.

So I'll bottle it up and bury it away.

“I'm as good as can be, you know how life is.”

I lie through my teeth, then smile to sell it.

No one acknowledges the pain, how heavy it sits.

And I slowly stew away in my panic.

I stew away in my panic. 

I stew away in my panic.

Watch me dissolve into panic.

I've been counting the stars every night.

Looked at prayer as another thing to try.

This has me choking on life, I can't lie.

I'm scared out of my goddamned mind.

ME Writers block

All the hours have been tasting the same.

I want release but my body is not ok.

I'm not demanding it write an entire play.

Just please don't be in my way.

Let me touch my fingers to a screen.

Write my letters before I continue to bleed.

I just need to find a way to relieve 

Every single part of me.

Where are the poems I thought I knew?

They slip through my fingers then start anew.

My notebook filled with all my truths, 

As unfinished as my mood.

I lost the way into my head.

There's so much chaos and I can't connect.

I'm exhausted and I can't rest.

Spent my days rotting away in my bed.

The noise so loud it became silent.

Is this the way my life was meant

To be filled until death relents?

I'm chasing my thoughts to no end.

I can't control this

Life wrote another limbo and for what?

You want me strong, well I am not.

You want me growing, I am no plant.

But no matter how much I say I can't,

I'll water myself with my tears.

Ontsnappen

Handen dansen voor mijn gezicht.

Ik herinner me de vlekken die de verf achterliet.

Zachte bewegingen terwijl ik lig.

Soms voelt het alsof het enige wat ik doe is liggen.

Er is niets nieuws tussen zon op 

en zon neer en ik herken elke seconde.

De tijd is het enige wat niet stopt,

hoe hard ik er ook om vraag.

Even een moment om adem te happen.

Even een seconde voor acceptatie.

Ik weet dat ik niet kan ontsnappen.

Maar even, even zonder pijn.

Ik zoek mijn heil tussen de woorden.

Tussen de bladzijde en mijn pen.

Waar ik mijn emoties heb waarborgen.

Pijn omgebogen tot een creatie.

Ik zoek mezelf tussen stiften en papier.

Tussen de kleuren die iets vertellen.

Ik mis de simpliciteit en het plezier

van ongeremd mezelf terugvinden.

De kunst en ik, ooit onbevangen,

nu elk moment voorzichtig afgewogen.

Nog kan het altijd weer afhangen

van de staat waarin ik mijzelf bevind.

Mijn spontaniteit afgenomen, en langzaam

sterft inspiratie in notitieboekjes.

Onafgemaakte werken die eenzaam

verborgen raken onder het stof. 

Maar in m'n brein staat de hemel nog open.

In m'n brein vuren de neuronen erop los.

Dat is mij nog lang niet afgenomen. 

Ik ben de geheime kunstenaar.

Elke creatie gecreëerd, verwarmt mijn benen. 

Elke tekening een pil tegen de pijn.

En van mijn kruin tot aan mijn tenen,

zal ik altijd een dichter blijven.

Zal ik altijd zelf kunst zijn.

You're a nothing man

It's you against me now.

I have to admit,

I knew it would come to this.

You’re not surprising.

You think you own the world.

Bow down to me.

You want me on my knees

But I am not fallen.

Not here to lick your heels.

To fill your lust.

I leave you in the dust.

You think you can make me?

But baby you are no Saphho,

You demand my pen.

You are just a man.

False Gods renewed.

Let us wage the war you crave.

You demand silence.

I will never offer obedience.

I will just give you these words.

Fuck you. You are nothing.

Kings fall the hardest.

Thrones crumble down the loudest.

And so do men, time and time again.

Old memories

Old memories drift up

Like oil and slick, I'm stuck

In the mud and debris, no give and 

I find myself reliving.

You. Not always you.

But you this time.

Always there to take center

Stage, spotlight, shine.

(There we go)

(Back again)

Got to say that I'm confused. 

I hold my soul and it is bruised.

I got to say that I don't get it.

I got to say that I am panicked.

You said I could hold your hand 

But all I've touched is back.

You say you speak for me

But only the silence speaks.

You're always the difficult one if you speak up.

A strong opinion and you disrupt.

Maybe you're right and I'm too much.

Is this what it is, my friend?

A bit difficult and it's me that's bad.

A shiney backbone and that's too bad.

Can't build peace if I don't offer my head

On a plate.

Maybe you're right that I'm inpatient.

But maybe I'm not wrong that it's wrong, 

It sits heavy on my stomach and you let it.

It sits heavy on my tongue.

Maybe you're right that I'm too demanding.

Maybe you're right, I have too many feelings.

But maybe why, Am I the only one that is

Not allowed to have feelings?

And why isn't it ok to express them?

Why is it always too much?

I feel you want this to be shelved

And forgotten,

But I think maybe I want better for myself.

So am I too much

Just because

I express what I need,

What went wrong,

Do I take too long

To forget?

Am I the breaking of peace?

Is that what you see?

So am I the one

That need to undo

What's been done,

Shut my eyes 

And just lie,

Say that I’m fine?

I am breaking inside of me.

That's what you don't see.

Why do I need to fix what's been done to me?

Why do I need to be silent in the name of harmony?

Why do I need get all the why's of the others,

And why when it's my turn it's why bother?

I open my eyes and I remember.

All the damage you did long ago.

You left my life and it's for the better.

But I still carry it in my bones.

I carry it in heart palpitations.

I carry it every time I am insecure.

You said you made my life better.

You should’ve been less sure.

(You got it so twisted.

When I close my ears,

I still hear it.)

The way I'm never small enough,

Never soft enough, never still enough,

Never calm enough, never enough to love, 

Just never ever ever enough. 

Old memories taught me well. 

And some days I still curse myself.

But most days I just am myself.

Proudly loud and overwhelmed. 

So loud it makes my mother proud.

Misunderstood

Your words mean nothing. 

Truth travels fast.

I spent the day following

The sound of

Splintering hearts.

It all means nothing.

Who you were in the past.

You said you understood

What we went through.

Guess not. 

You're so entangled up into who I used to be. 

How am I going to uncomplicate it?

I don't know how to feel.

I cannot dissociate myself into forgetting

The new example you have been setting. 

Now you'll be the hurt we will be healing.

Now you're the one tramping on our feelings.

Ripped stitches that held everything in place,

Has left me wondering about your true face.

It isn't really that complicated, you know.

You believe in our stories or you don't.

You cannot hold my hand 

And not hold my truth. 

In the end everything 

Meant absolutely 

Nothing to you.

To hell

Big words are easy when you have power.

Mouths run easy when you feel safe.

Protection that will cost you by the hour.

No one will tell you how to behave.

(Shame)

That spit flies easy if you're on the mountain.

Sleep as long as the distance between them.

I'm sure you spend your time lying.

I spend them dreaming of the end.

(Not mine)

And when it's you staring down the barrel of a gun

Do you think: “Oh we had a great run”?

Do you think: “Oh but we had so much fun”?

“Wonder if I can take my money along.”

(To hell)

Soul

It starts

Like it always starts. 

Open hearts, 

Pushed down.

What was the moment

We fell

Down into the pits, 

Hard into the well?

Dirth rising above us.

Swallowing, teeth bared.

I can hear them shouting.

See those who cared,

Turned their backs

In silence.

Walk away like violence.

And things are always 

Escalating, always, always,

Always violating.

I can't escape that.

And I won't try to.

It's leaving people behind.

Can't carry them in my mind,

And I need you, 

I need you, 

I need you to

Understand.

You try to steal our rainbow,

Try to steal our light.

To lose us in the beating. 

A perpetual night.

I feel lost without them.

I feel lost in the loss.

So alone

In the loud,

Loud sound of stone,

Rising up where once 

The colourful people 

Danced.

Now a farewell dance.

Now a dance with dead.

Nothing will stop us,

But you want to try,

See if you can.

And I can't lie.

My tears flow to freely

For that, For them.

You come with the tide.

Like a flood,

I just need to ebb.

You're a lot.

But you're not enough.

To stop.

To stop.

To stop

The coming rage. 

The coming storm.

Are you done?

Robot

I exist in parts and pieces.

Little bits outside of me.

This one keeps my blood pumping.

This one helps me breathe.

I exist in pills and wheels.

Little things that move my body.

This one keeps me from choking.

And this one helps me see.

I have a pill meant for thinking. 

I have a pill that helps me cope 

With the world that only sees

The parts and pieces, not me.

I exist in, but not just only.

I exist with, just never alone.

I exist, but you don't believe me.

I exist, and you think that's wrong.

No one loves you, rich boy

I will not be the first to break,

And never under your hand. 

You cannot erase my footprints,

They're made in cement. 

I will not be the one to crumble,

You don't have what it takes.

Sure, try to claim your victory medal

And bite down until it breaks.

Your worth is so fake.

Isn't that actual peace?

But what if I don't want to keep the peace?

Choke down the words until my stomach bleeds?

Why does it have to fall to me

To be the fix for what you feel?

And what if I don't keep my head down and bend?

Cut out my emotions until they are all spend?

Is this the example to set,

That healing is ignoring what bled?

What if I don't want to write myself off?

Just so you can pretend that nothing is wrong. 

To keep my feelings in a knot

Is simply to much to ask for.

So, what if I cannot keep the peace?

But rather focused on what keeps us healed?

Cause the things you say you need

Isn't what is good for me.

Entangled

I'd rather do nothing together,

Than travel the world and be apart.

If we can just lie still here together,

If it will calm your storming heart.

I'd rather have silence together,

Let us be who we want to be.

Why try to fit ourselves into spaces

That aren't made for you or me.

I'd rather just be us together,

And feel safe in the comfort we share.

Life's already so fucking complicated. 

I'm happy just sharing the same air.

The fight intensifies (a break before the storm)

I'm not sure how much more I can take.

The pressure keeps risen and I feel the breaks

In the way I am keeping myself together.

The panic attacks are filling up my days.

I feel the pain keenly and I'm not okay. 

It feels like people are waiting for me to break.

Not sure why because I was made broken

And the madness will never go away.

All the edges of me have already frayed,

And it is not anger, you see, I'm afraid.

It always ends with my heart broken

If I destroy the walls that I made.

Goddammit I am in such a state.

Wipe the tears with my thumb, dry my face.

I have always known what to do now,

Write a poem and go on with my day.

Glue

I wish I could forget that it happened.

Swallow it all down. 

Bury it in my stomach and let it fester.

Ignore it as it keeps coming up like stomach acid.

Ignore it as it keeps coming up like panic.

I'm always a little terrified.

But I like to hide it under verbosity. 

Ignore it as I plaster on the smile you see.

I am counting on my mask to set me free. 

Even if I'm a little cracked,

Even if it's always split in the middle.

No amount of broken cannot be hidden.

The hurt still comes out unbidden.

I can't keep it all stitched in.

Like the tears that drip from cheek to neck.

This is how I spilled and I won't take it back.

Between teeth

I want to be able to keep the words in my mouth,

Taste the vowels as they come out.

But now I weave sound

With panic

And I lose my verbs between the gap in my teeth.

In the taste of iron as my gums start to bleed.

Never once a single deed

Goes unpunished.

Every time my words go I am overcome with fear.

Will I be the next to also disappear? 

Everything already feels unclear,

My health shakey. 

So excuse me as I don't always verbalise well,

And every thought I have makes my brain swell.

I'm trying so hard to be able to tell

Why I'm hurting.

To the test

Gotta break it. 

Gotta paint it just right.

Tell my story 

Or else you just might

Take my lifeline.

Take the way I just might

Have a breath now.

So I can do the things right

And maybe survive.