You're a nothing man

It's you against me now.

I have to admit,

I knew it would come to this.

You’re not surprising.

You think you own the world.

Bow down to me.

You want me on my knees

But I am not fallen.

Not here to lick your heels.

To fill your lust.

I leave you in the dust.

You think you can make me?

But baby you are no Saphho,

You demand my pen.

You are just a man.

False Gods renewed.

Let us wage the war you crave.

You demand silence.

I will never offer obedience.

I will just give you these words.

Fuck you. You are nothing.

Kings fall the hardest.

Thrones crumble down the loudest.

And so do men, time and time again.

Old memories

Old memories drift up

Like oil and slick, I'm stuck

In the mud and debris, no give and 

I find myself reliving.

You. Not always you.

But you this time.

Always there to take center

Stage, spotlight, shine.

(There we go)

(Back again)

Got to say that I'm confused. 

I hold my soul and it is bruised.

I got to say that I don't get it.

I got to say that I am panicked.

You said I could hold your hand 

But all I've touched is back.

You say you speak for me

But only the silence speaks.

You're always the difficult one if you speak up.

A strong opinion and you disrupt.

Maybe you're right and I'm too much.

Is this what it is, my friend?

A bit difficult and it's me that's bad.

A shiney backbone and that's too bad.

Can't build peace if I don't offer my head

On a plate.

Maybe you're right that I'm inpatient.

But maybe I'm not wrong that it's wrong, 

It sits heavy on my stomach and you let it.

It sits heavy on my tongue.

Maybe you're right that I'm too demanding.

Maybe you're right, I have too many feelings.

But maybe why, Am I the only one that is

Not allowed to have feelings?

And why isn't it ok to express them?

Why is it always too much?

I feel you want this to be shelved

And forgotten,

But I think maybe I want better for myself.

So am I too much

Just because

I express what I need,

What went wrong,

Do I take too long

To forget?

Am I the breaking of peace?

Is that what you see?

So am I the one

That need to undo

What's been done,

Shut my eyes 

And just lie,

Say that I’m fine?

I am breaking inside of me.

That's what you don't see.

Why do I need to fix what's been done to me?

Why do I need to be silent in the name of harmony?

Why do I need get all the why's of the others,

And why when it's my turn it's why bother?

I open my eyes and I remember.

All the damage you did long ago.

You left my life and it's for the better.

But I still carry it in my bones.

I carry it in heart palpitations.

I carry it every time I am insecure.

You said you made my life better.

You should’ve been less sure.

(You got it so twisted.

When I close my ears,

I still hear it.)

The way I'm never small enough,

Never soft enough, never still enough,

Never calm enough, never enough to love, 

Just never ever ever enough. 

Old memories taught me well. 

And some days I still curse myself.

But most days I just am myself.

Proudly loud and overwhelmed. 

So loud it makes my mother proud.

Misunderstood

Your words mean nothing. 

Truth travels fast.

I spent the day following

The sound of

Splintering hearts.

It all means nothing.

Who you were in the past.

You said you understood

What we went through.

Guess not. 

You're so entangled up into who I used to be. 

How am I going to uncomplicate it?

I don't know how to feel.

I cannot dissociate myself into forgetting

The new example you have been setting. 

Now you'll be the hurt we will be healing.

Now you're the one tramping on our feelings.

Ripped stitches that held everything in place,

Has left me wondering about your true face.

It isn't really that complicated, you know.

You believe in our stories or you don't.

You cannot hold my hand 

And not hold my truth. 

In the end everything 

Meant absolutely 

Nothing to you.

To hell

Big words are easy when you have power.

Mouths run easy when you feel safe.

Protection that will cost you by the hour.

No one will tell you how to behave.

(Shame)

That spit flies easy if you're on the mountain.

Sleep as long as the distance between them.

I'm sure you spend your time lying.

I spend them dreaming of the end.

(Not mine)

And when it's you staring down the barrel of a gun

Do you think: “Oh we had a great run”?

Do you think: “Oh but we had so much fun”?

“Wonder if I can take my money along.”

(To hell)

Soul

It starts

Like it always starts. 

Open hearts, 

Pushed down.

What was the moment

We fell

Down into the pits, 

Hard into the well?

Dirth rising above us.

Swallowing, teeth bared.

I can hear them shouting.

See those who cared,

Turned their backs

In silence.

Walk away like violence.

And things are always 

Escalating, always, always,

Always violating.

I can't escape that.

And I won't try to.

It's leaving people behind.

Can't carry them in my mind,

And I need you, 

I need you, 

I need you to

Understand.

You try to steal our rainbow,

Try to steal our light.

To lose us in the beating. 

A perpetual night.

I feel lost without them.

I feel lost in the loss.

So alone

In the loud,

Loud sound of stone,

Rising up where once 

The colourful people 

Danced.

Now a farewell dance.

Now a dance with dead.

Nothing will stop us,

But you want to try,

See if you can.

And I can't lie.

My tears flow to freely

For that, For them.

You come with the tide.

Like a flood,

I just need to ebb.

You're a lot.

But you're not enough.

To stop.

To stop.

To stop

The coming rage. 

The coming storm.

Are you done?

Robot

I exist in parts and pieces.

Little bits outside of me.

This one keeps my blood pumping.

This one helps me breathe.

I exist in pills and wheels.

Little things that move my body.

This one keeps me from choking.

And this one helps me see.

I have a pill meant for thinking. 

I have a pill that helps me cope 

With the world that only sees

The parts and pieces, not me.

I exist in, but not just only.

I exist with, just never alone.

I exist, but you don't believe me.

I exist, and you think that's wrong.

No one loves you, rich boy

I will not be the first to break,

And never under your hand. 

You cannot erase my footprints,

They're made in cement. 

I will not be the one to crumble,

You don't have what it takes.

Sure, try to claim your victory medal

And bite down until it breaks.

Your worth is so fake.

Isn't that actual peace?

But what if I don't want to keep the peace?

Choke down the words until my stomach bleeds?

Why does it have to fall to me

To be the fix for what you feel?

And what if I don't keep my head down and bend?

Cut out my emotions until they are all spend?

Is this the example to set,

That healing is ignoring what bled?

What if I don't want to write myself off?

Just so you can pretend that nothing is wrong. 

To keep my feelings in a knot

Is simply to much to ask for.

So, what if I cannot keep the peace?

But rather focused on what keeps us healed?

Cause the things you say you need

Isn't what is good for me.

Entangled

I'd rather do nothing together,

Than travel the world and be apart.

If we can just lie still here together,

If it will calm your storming heart.

I'd rather have silence together,

Let us be who we want to be.

Why try to fit ourselves into spaces

That aren't made for you or me.

I'd rather just be us together,

And feel safe in the comfort we share.

Life's already so fucking complicated. 

I'm happy just sharing the same air.

The fight intensifies (a break before the storm)

I'm not sure how much more I can take.

The pressure keeps risen and I feel the breaks

In the way I am keeping myself together.

The panic attacks are filling up my days.

I feel the pain keenly and I'm not okay. 

It feels like people are waiting for me to break.

Not sure why because I was made broken

And the madness will never go away.

All the edges of me have already frayed,

And it is not anger, you see, I'm afraid.

It always ends with my heart broken

If I destroy the walls that I made.

Goddammit I am in such a state.

Wipe the tears with my thumb, dry my face.

I have always known what to do now,

Write a poem and go on with my day.

Glue

I wish I could forget that it happened.

Swallow it all down. 

Bury it in my stomach and let it fester.

Ignore it as it keeps coming up like stomach acid.

Ignore it as it keeps coming up like panic.

I'm always a little terrified.

But I like to hide it under verbosity. 

Ignore it as I plaster on the smile you see.

I am counting on my mask to set me free. 

Even if I'm a little cracked,

Even if it's always split in the middle.

No amount of broken cannot be hidden.

The hurt still comes out unbidden.

I can't keep it all stitched in.

Like the tears that drip from cheek to neck.

This is how I spilled and I won't take it back.

Between teeth

I want to be able to keep the words in my mouth,

Taste the vowels as they come out.

But now I weave sound

With panic

And I lose my verbs between the gap in my teeth.

In the taste of iron as my gums start to bleed.

Never once a single deed

Goes unpunished.

Every time my words go I am overcome with fear.

Will I be the next to also disappear? 

Everything already feels unclear,

My health shakey. 

So excuse me as I don't always verbalise well,

And every thought I have makes my brain swell.

I'm trying so hard to be able to tell

Why I'm hurting.

To the test

Gotta break it. 

Gotta paint it just right.

Tell my story 

Or else you just might

Take my lifeline.

Take the way I just might

Have a breath now.

So I can do the things right

And maybe survive.