How to not destroy myself

I still feel your hands on my body.

My skin
Made of a thousand
Fingerprints.

I remember them all.
Like the aftertaste of coffee on my lips,
The days that I was the suicidal mess you made me
And the smiles I had when I thought of killing you.

Don't do it, someone used to say.
There are still too many assholes
You need to prove wrong.
How you grew despite of them,
Not inspite of them.

Will my dreams be my revenge?
All those dreams with them not in it.

I want to send those messages to myself that are stronger than blood on my hands.

But those sick and twisted thoughts
Will remain in my thoughts
For that bad day
Where in I wish
You were not breathing.

Ssssssjt.
You are
Not allowed
To speak
A word
And God
Will not
Forgive you.