Inaccesibility dance

 

Stop telling me that I am strong.

You're just praising my power but you

Never fix what is wrong.

Stop telling me I am powerful.

You keep leaving me with tasks

And my hands are full.

I am not here to be your God.

You think I can do everything myself

And I really cannot.

I am not remotely divine.

I can’t even save myself and

Most days I don’t even try.

I can not run any faster,

I can not run at all.

But you move me to always do more,

Gearing me up to finally fall.

And you call me an ugly person

When I am not swimming in grattitude

When you gift me your attention.

As if the issue is my attitude.

But I should not be grateful

For the bare minimum of recognition

That there even is a problem.

And I won’t fake a smile

To tell politely that you are wrong.

My time is precious

And your denial

Really is not.

It is so fucking suspicious

You can’t even spot

That.

I am so fucking worn down.

I tried to push us up 

And you tore me down.

I won’t let you gaslight me anymore.

So cuss me out 

When I roll out the door.

Cause I have have said goodbye.

I am so fucking done.

I am beyond exhausted.

Consider me gone.

Stop telling me I am strong

As an excuse to make me a punching bag.

I will no longer be a stand in

For all the things you lack.

I don't want to die

 

It has started

It has started and I knew.

It will come for me,

I won’t let it take you too.

It’s that familiar weight on my chest.

I felt it before 

And it is back.

Confusion.

Consuming.

The rise in my heartrate

I recognize as panic.

I am way too fragile

For any of that.

I am so insecure

About my role in life,

It once felt so sure.

I am here to make

You smile 

Without hurt.

I think I dream

Of healing the world.

But I can’t even seem to fix myself at all.

I thought I was climbing but I

Just climb to take another fall.

I am so significantly lost,

Did I even find myself before?

I just keep wondering at the cost

To my life if I keep trying, just sometimes.

But the thought it’s not fleeting,

My broken back hooked on the line.

Maybe the world will better without me.

Maybe that's a lie.

I just want to stop existing ,

But I don't want to die.

So I take my next breath.

And I carry the next weight.

Cause there must be a horizon somewhere,

Even if it’s feels like it’s too late.

I'm not done breaking

You say it's time to heal.

But I don't want to talk.

It was so beneficial to ignore it

So I wouldn't fall apart.

Until I find myself breaking again, 

But it is only something temporary. 

When shutting down is all you know 

Barely coping is the thing that feels healthy. 

I fully admit it now,

Change is rather scary.

Scarier than hiding myself. 

That's just how I feel.

Yeah I am barely hanging on now. 

But it's simply the way things are.

I can't change what the past did to me.

Why would I want to pick at the scars?

I don't want to remember

The memories of broken promises.

Even if my skin will always

Break on all of this.

So what if this will cost me in the end?

What will be the difference if I do?

Healing is just breaking part on demand

And who do you think that will fool?

I don't want to pick at the scab.

I don't want to talk all of my problems away.

It's OK if simply breathing my pain

Is all that I can do today.

I'm not done breaking. 

I'm still alive.

I will pick myself up as soon 

As I no longer survive.

Fear of the medical system

 

The fear is intoxicating.

I feel like I can't breathe.

You ask me to repeat myself.

I just want you to let me be.

But it is impossible.

I am depending too much on you.

You have my life in a hold.

And the fear I feel is lost on you.

Cause you can just walk around harming people,

Without ever thinking about the impact.

That is just for me to deal with.

That’s the shitty fucking reality and and and

I just do not want to be touched.

Please keep your hands away from me.

Can I not just get my answers without you?

Can I be ok and not have to feel what I feel?

But here I am depending on you

For the answers I need to survive.

I can not ignore you like I want to

If I want to stay alive.

I am a person not a number.

I am feelings, not a blank slate.

You should have been my place of safety.

But you give me fear and you bring me hate.

You get too much freedom cause we depend on you.

Stop taking that knowledge to the extreme.

Just stop. Just stop my heart from all this crying

And see me.

The pressure is too high

I don't want to rise to the occasion. 

I don't want to rise at all.

I just want to sleep the days away.

I'm not ready to deal with the fall

Of my emotions climbing the walls.

The state of my mind has me reeling. 

My exploding state of mind 

Has me up on the ceiling.

Please, please

Don't speak to me.

I'm not ready.

Your words are the end of me,

And I don't know where I begin.

I'm losing track and I cry

When I like to be screaming.

My heavy chest is caving in.

So don't ask for much more.

I feel life eating away 

And I am rotten to the core.

You judge me anyway so it's fine.

You can have your whispers and I take my decline.

But please, please, 

Just fucking leave.

Let me be.

Cause I'm done 

Holding my head up.

I'm done with

My stiff upper lip.

I'm on the verge 

Of breaking.

And I will crack

Under the pressure 

Of this.

So let me be done 

With being the

Fucking stronger one.

Didn't you always say

It's okay to

Not be okay?

I'm on the verge

Of losing the

Sanity that remains

Just, just, just…

Please, please, PLEASE

Let me breath

Gather my wits

And stay steady. 

It's the only thing I ask for.

I have no father (tw abuse)

I kind of wished that you were dead.

I Know it’s shocking to say,

Should I feel bad?

Some days I scour the internet,

Looking for your obituary.

I mean you really weren’t important,

You were never really there,

To hold our hand.

But those memories still demand

I won’t forget your fists.

There is a first to everything, am I right?

When was the first time you told those lies

About me?

God, I just want to be happy.

I want to keep on singing my song.

Tell the world

I have no father

And we never got along.

Cause the hurt

Cause the drama

Means I never had you, father.

I sprung up from the earth

Cradling my trauma.

I know hell does not exist,

Not in the afterlife.

Or else earth would insist

To burn you now from its

Surface, and send you there.

But I am in hell as long as you are right here.

I still look over my shoulder holding a deep seated fear

You are going to tap it.

God, I want to be unencumbered.

I want to keep on dancing my dance.

Tell the world

I have no dad

And it does not make sad.

Cause the hate

Cause the worry

Means I never had you, dad.

I sprung up from the earth

Cradling my story.

I would explain

The different parts

To those new to the timeline.

But it won’t get me

Out of my head

And my tears.

I would explain

If they would believe me

But the story is mine.

Are they here to

Excuse you or

To hear

Me out?

Are they here

To excuse all the parts

Of your behavior?

“He did not mean to.

You bruised his fist

With your face.

You need to stop

And listen,

He’s your father

And you’re his disgrace.”

It’s always the same.

I still wished that you were dead.

I Know it’s shocking to say,

Should I feel bad?

Some days I scour the internet,

Looking for your obituary.