I don't want to die

 

It has started

It has started and I knew.

It will come for me,

I won’t let it take you too.

It’s that familiar weight on my chest.

I felt it before 

And it is back.

Confusion.

Consuming.

The rise in my heartrate

I recognize as panic.

I am way too fragile

For any of that.

I am so insecure

About my role in life,

It once felt so sure.

I am here to make

You smile 

Without hurt.

I think I dream

Of healing the world.

But I can’t even seem to fix myself at all.

I thought I was climbing but I

Just climb to take another fall.

I am so significantly lost,

Did I even find myself before?

I just keep wondering at the cost

To my life if I keep trying, just sometimes.

But the thought it’s not fleeting,

My broken back hooked on the line.

Maybe the world will better without me.

Maybe that's a lie.

I just want to stop existing ,

But I don't want to die.

So I take my next breath.

And I carry the next weight.

Cause there must be a horizon somewhere,

Even if it’s feels like it’s too late.