Sum

 

Counting second on my fingers,

Just to have lost the days.

I go unconsciously 

From waking to sleeping,

But I’m always wide awake.

I have started another tally,

On the ways you might die.

I feel so goddamn guilty,

So guilty all the time,

For every single time I now lie.

But how can I tell you neither you or I are ok

If there is not a single change you will listen anyway?

I woke up to the sound of the foundations shaking.

Never realized that my heart was still breaking.

How long until I will stop hurting?

When it is time to start the healing?

I woke up to the sound of my heartbeat shaking.

My anxious thinking is all I can take in. 

How long until I will restart my breathing?

Will I be torn apart before I will be healing?

Every single time my anxiety

Puts you center stage,

I am waiting on the sound

Of your patience waning

Or for you to break.

But you will never tell us how you are you doing

Because you moved too far away and you’re still going.

I woke up to the sound of the foundations shaking.

Never realized that my heart was still breaking.

How long until I will stop hurting?

When it is time to start the healing?

I woke up to the sound of my heartbeat shaking.

My anxious thinking is all I can take in. 

How long until I will restart my breathing?

Will I be torn apart before I will be healing?

You have become a math sum of calculations.

Add, subtract, and divide the situation.

Love plus love plus love minus those who harm.

Making sure they never get very far.

Divide it all by the sound of you screaming.

And all of those who do not deem this

Important enough to do anything about.

Their silence has become way too loud.

Please stay put, please stay here.

Oh my god I am so full of fear. 

Bored

 

Have you found yourself bored again?

Ready to turn some lives on their heads again?

Coming here to guide the spiral down than?

You wouldn’t mind me taking a stand.

You’re a disgusting human being.

You’re filth deep within your heart.

You like to build yourself up,

By breaking other people apart.

You’re a creating without salvation.

What won’t hurt you will kill me.

And you still think you’re in the shadows

While everyone can see,

That you found yourself bored once more.

Cascading walls before you opened the door.

You dragged my blood into your carpeted floors.

And the stains won’t come out like they did before.

It’s eating me deep inside,

The way you barged back in.

I wanted you vanished

But it seems like I can’t win.

A ghosts planting flowers

All over my sins.

An illusion of grandeur

Spreading way too thin.

She does not trust her own mind.

Why did you tell her to use yours?

You should have stayed a simple memory.

Filed away and stored.

But you found yourself bored like you always did.

I should have known by now to get used to it.

I will draw a close to all of it.

Break you apart until the pieces do no fit.

Take yourself out of the equation.

Under a burning tree

 

If you will break her soul, I will break your face.

I think you miscalculated the intensity of my hate.

Before you slither yourself way back into this state,

I want you to know it’s too late,

And I want you to know

Hey you over there.

Have you come to look at my thousand yard stare?

Have you come to claim that you care?

Hey you, I am still mad.

I have got my eyes on the back of your head.

I spend years being like that.

Hey you, spouting all those lies.

Not a single thing you done you can deny.

You can not pull the wool over my eyes.

I know what you did and you know that I do.

You have spend all those years collecting your fools.

You saw a vulnerability and you thought you could take it.

I’m telling you now that you won’t make it.

I got my eyes on you too.

Can you explain what you did wrong?

Can you explain yourself before the end of the song?

Turn around and finally be gone?

Can you explain what you took?

You crumbled the walls and the foundations shook.

Ended the story before the end of the book.

Can you explain why you created discord?

I have too many memories I can no longer sort.

Just because you felt bored.

I have found my patience finally wore thin.

You saw an open wound and you put your fingers in.

The harm deliberate and you know it as much as me.

Fuck entirely off and just let us be.

You can’t have her.

Keep me small

 

If I had shrunk myself into a singular point,

Would that give me the silence I needed?

I can no longer digest what they told me.

I vomit it up and bleed it.

If I had just been a little smaller,

Do you think it would have been alright?

Would my existence gone down

Without a single fight?

If I had stop existing all together,

Would that be the answer to the test?

If I prayed to God for a better body,

Would that have been my way to Mass?

I have tried many times to cut myself in half.

At the end of the day it was never enough.

Fuck, I don’t know what they told you,

But abuse is not tough fucking love.

It has left my body broken,

To bend it to the will

Of those who don’t shine.

“Hide the size of you!”

Will be the thing that kills

Me every single

Time.

I no longer have the will

To break myself apart

To cater to your needs.

You are so damn

Fucking adamant 

To just see the ugliest

Parts of me.

I won’t longer walk 

My damaged body 

Through the pits of hell.

Just because you 

Think I am the devil

That needs to heal

Themselves.

All you want is to keep me small,

Squirrel me away and have me locked up.

It is all too damn predictable,

Yeah it will never be enough.

I stopped counting all my scars.

I can’t remember where they have been.

I drink my soda without vinegar,

And it’s the best thing I have ever seen.

I can feel you gearing up to destroy me again…..

Again and again and again and again and again.

Darken my future again, I dare you.

I am done ripping myself apart for fools.

An offer

 

Offering up my trauma on a plate,

I hope it is easy enough to digest.

I won’t tell you where they touched me,

I have bruises that will last

Me a lifetime.

Offering up my memories in a cup,

Promise me you won’t get drunk.

It will paint you in a different light.

But it will just be my luck

That no one notices.

I took you into my garden but all the plants are dead.

Couldn’t water it with my tears because I was just too mad.

Couldn’t care for them, because I am too broken for that.

I am holding up the world on my wings

And now I forgot how to fly.

I sacrificed it all for their lies,

And now I lost my paradise.

But you don’t ask me 

The reason, never ask me why.

So here I am standing

Until the end of time.

Just to make sure that it won’t rain,

Just to make sure I’m the only one going insane.

This loneliness is killing.

Offering myself up because that is

The only thing I learned from my past.

Their voices ring in my ears 

Selling me the story of how worthless

I will always be.

Offering myself up because that is

The only way I can make you understand.

I want to tell my story

But I have never broken their demands

For my silence.

I am done with watching backs turns when I ask for help.

I no longer have the energy to go through hell

Just to heal myself.

40 years of turning into a shell 

Has left me thin, and shattered.

My mind remains in collapse 

And my soul stays battered.

I really hope by now 

That you have gathered 

What happens when people

Believe they never mattered.

The wind will carry me away,

If I'm spread even thinner.

Although I never believed myself

To be a quitter,

I tattooed it on my skin

Everytime you called me a sinner.

Will there be a day 

When my skin grows thicker?

When my mind goes…. Still?

There is something fundamentally broken in the world.

If my life weighs less than getting their feelings hurt,

While beating me until my body is permanently curled up.

I am done sowing myself up to keep my insides in.

Now you will get an unfiltered version of me.

The blood stains will get out with wine, 

Who would have thought such a thing?

I am done telling you my break was just a bend.

Now you will get the truth about me.

You can febreze the stink of bodies piling up,

But you can't make my song end.