Sum

 

Counting second on my fingers,

Just to have lost the days.

I go unconsciously 

From waking to sleeping,

But I’m always wide awake.

I have started another tally,

On the ways you might die.

I feel so goddamn guilty,

So guilty all the time,

For every single time I now lie.

But how can I tell you neither you or I are ok

If there is not a single change you will listen anyway?

I woke up to the sound of the foundations shaking.

Never realized that my heart was still breaking.

How long until I will stop hurting?

When it is time to start the healing?

I woke up to the sound of my heartbeat shaking.

My anxious thinking is all I can take in. 

How long until I will restart my breathing?

Will I be torn apart before I will be healing?

Every single time my anxiety

Puts you center stage,

I am waiting on the sound

Of your patience waning

Or for you to break.

But you will never tell us how you are you doing

Because you moved too far away and you’re still going.

I woke up to the sound of the foundations shaking.

Never realized that my heart was still breaking.

How long until I will stop hurting?

When it is time to start the healing?

I woke up to the sound of my heartbeat shaking.

My anxious thinking is all I can take in. 

How long until I will restart my breathing?

Will I be torn apart before I will be healing?

You have become a math sum of calculations.

Add, subtract, and divide the situation.

Love plus love plus love minus those who harm.

Making sure they never get very far.

Divide it all by the sound of you screaming.

And all of those who do not deem this

Important enough to do anything about.

Their silence has become way too loud.

Please stay put, please stay here.

Oh my god I am so full of fear.