Falling apart

 

I feel like I am falling apart.

Planned

Descent

Into madness

Not planned by me,

But send

Into my life

By society.

I’m broken.

I am being broken.

Parts of me

Picked and parted

Away from me.

Not allowing me

To be myself

Won’t release me.

Won’t set you free.

Panic attacks get the best of me.

All the attention right on what I feel.

It’ll bleed me dry and still I won’t scream.

I feel like I am falling apart

And I am meant to.

You want me to not to be equal

And exist like you do.

We all know.

Feel

 

Stay away from me, I don't want to feel.

Don't feed me lies like this is normal 

And pretend my feelings aren't real.

Stay away from me, you aren't real.

You are a figment of their imagination 

Here to tell me that I can't heal. 

But I am my own creation.

Even if I'm made of glass.

Why I'm see through and chipped

They can never guess.

I am the one self made out of 

Bones and bruises,

Broken sticks and fallen leaves,

And things no one uses.

Chipped teeth and black eyes.

I can still taste the blood in my mouth.

Tastes like ashes and tastes like lies.

Ruptured eardrums and new old lies.

I can still remember that day you packed your suitcase 

With nothing but goodbyes.

(Just to see if we would stop you.)

I am the one now that 

Has to pick up the pieces.

It's funny how in the end

I am the one who loses.

I saw their dinner party

Where they feed your lies,

So,

Welcome to my dinner party. 

I don't want to die.

Tell me whether 

I would fall or fly

Right on through my life.

Sigh. Deep sigh.

Peekaboo world!

All I want is to hide.

Take of me what you need.

Goodday. Goodbye.

Do not mistake their silence for an end to violence

We won't honour the violence, 

With our silence,

This is not the end.

It's just a breath.

A soft in.

A long out.

A wimper so thin. 

Cracking shoulder blades

A readjustment of bones.

A scream as loud as

Falling stones

That has a second to be held. 

A tear that has a second to be felt.

Like breath we continue.

We pause just to start anew.

But it's just to clean the blood

Of your lungs.

To reassess the harm that has been done.

Warm up strained muscles

And raised fists

And eat the meals we skipped

Before we go back onto the streets.

Because they want us to

Be as silent as the 15.000

Breaths they took,

We won't. 

Taste

I know the taste of broken.

It lingers on my lips.

It's that hint of glass

That is there when we kiss.

I know that taste of broken 

Cause I was born with it.

It was in my bloodline

And in my father's fists.

I remember to taste the trauma

Right where my lips have split

Any time they talk of healing

And trying to close this rift.

And I remember the taste of screaming

As I smear my old lipstick 

With the back of the bruised hand

I wanted to hit back with.

I remember the taste of broken

And everything you did.

You made me out of scars

And I will never forget it.

Out of reach

I'm paralysed. 

You're on my chest

And you won't compromise.

You're on my chest

And you feed me lies.

You're on my lungs

Hoping that I'll die. 

We both know why.

The last laugh.

It's what you want

But it won't be enough.

You want my smile

And then choke it off.

You want my heart

And my ability to love.

You're so fucking tough.

Living in my head you have all the power.

But my dear, so do I, you see.

You can make me repeat all those hours.

That you broke the best of me.

But you can't make me part of you again.

I am standing on your memories. 

I'm your flesh but not yours to demand.

I moved these ashes of you into the sea.

And when I think I see you my heart stops.

But it is just one moment there to teach. 

That when I think of you and my heart drops

I am still out of your reach.

Belief

It's the position you like best.

Me on my knees,

My head facing west

(East is too religious).

It's the position you like best.

My legs buckling down,

Right down into the glass

(Oh yes it's so religious).

So pious when you ignore my no,

Or shower me with anger when you don't. 

Who would have known?

Not God that's for sure.

Is my crying like a prayer to you?

Like a river that my tears flow into?

My life is wires that snapped too soon. 

My heart a sacrifice that elevated the mood.

It's a burning for which you asked.

My skin is flaking apart

As you take me to task

(Just so I could lose your God).

It's a burning for which you asked

I don't know where to start

This never ending set of tests 

(I wonder if you think you're God).

So pious when you enter from behind. 

I could scream but you would not mind.

I am lost to the ticking of time.

The heater in front of my face.

The heater in front of my face ticked along.

And it stopped keeping me warm.

Why did the heater once so strong

Stopped looking like God?

Please stop.

Life unfolded

Life unfolded.

Fingers in the grass

Holding onto the earth

That birthed them.

Stories untold and

Cut down in the tracks.

Told they are not worth

Protecting them.

You snapped their lifeline

Somewhere at the beginning.

Threw the middle and end away.

Vindicated by the world saying 

That all of this is fine.

You snapped their families

At the centre where it hurts.

Took their heart right out of them.

For always vindicated by the world

Not taking this seriously.

I watch people 

I never knew before

Show me things that

I've never seen.

I watch people 

I never knew before

Take their last breath

Right on my screen.

Silence,

Or compliance, 

Is the last thing you will get from me.