Waar liefde begint

Stad van de gouden wateren,
De plek waar bruggen verbinden
Tussen het ene leven en het andere,
Waar een gesprek met een vreemde,
En toch beminde,
In het midden van al die grachten
Hoort bij alle dagen,
Waar je dichter bij het hart komt
In opvallend stille straten,
Zacht kloppende aderen,
Uniek.
Dat is de plek waar het allemaal begon.
Dat is de stad waar ik jou ontmoette,
Waar ik jouw, jij mijn, en de stad ons hart won.

Ik herinner mij nog goed hoe mij hart klopte
Op het ritme van de slagen
Van de trein, en het klonk als wateren
Die met kracht hun golven tegen
Mijn nervositeit deden spatten.
Daar stond je op het perron,
Mijn voeten gingen sneller dan mijn hart
En ik vond je daar, ik kuste je,
Voor het goed en wel begon.

In al die jaren,
Vinden we onszelf nog steeds terug daar waar het begon.
We wandelen binnen op Monumentendagen,
Stellen vreemden open vragen,
Eten onze lunch bij de Dom.
We slaan af in de verborgen steegjes,
Zien de delen van Utrecht die anderen niet zien.
Aaien de stad's vele katten die onverlegen
Ons behandelen alsof we daar horen.

Ooit zal ik mij Utrechtenaar noemen
En tegen vreemden zeggen als ze langs lopen op straat:
"Hey wist je dat mijn leven hier begon?"
En wanneer ze vol staren, in een staat
Vol verwachting, zal ik zorgen dat ze ook van jou houden.
Niet alleen van jouw grachten,
Of de Dom of alle kerken.
En niet alleen van jouw gebouwen,
Of jouw spannende zaterdagnachten,
Maar van al jouw verborgen gedachten
En als de stad waar liefde begint.

It will always be looming if you let it

Here I sit in a darkened room,

With my hands on my head and my heart far from rest.

I wish I was as strong as you,

You there fighting for your life.

Here I sit in a darkened room,

My eyes reject the light and it feels like I will die.

My mind thinking of those gone too soon,

Willing themselves to live until the end.

Here I sit in a darkened room,

Noticing I am alone, and the fear has got me stoned.

Alone you were facing your doom.

Hoping you were able to call your parents.

Please tell me, who are you?

Who made me turn my life into perspective for this day?

Where you did come from, what did you do?

Tell me where are your roots?

Did you go by life just living it unnoticed?

Was that what you wanted it to be?

Did you lay your head where your grandparents did before you?

Were you remarkable unremarkably?

Did you flee old times and thought war was behind you?

Hoping life here will be one that is free?

Did you get blamed for the people who left you those scars?

And were the smiles the only thing you could see?

Did you know that today you’d be a hero?

Like heroes are right where they were needed to be?

Did you wake up today knowing you would save lives?

Or didn’t you want to open the curtains, just like me?

In all of this mess in all the world around us,

There are so many people who are just like me.

If we all would believe, our worlds are not that different,

No one can harm us if we just believe.

Being different does not makes us into a bad guy.

Together united will set us free….

Here I sit in a darkened room,

With my hands on the keys, knowing the world will go on tomorrow.

And here I will be in a darkened room,

If you need someone to think of you when tragedy strikes.

Bergen ofzo

Ze zeggen dat als je maar klimt,

Dat je dan op de top

Van de wereld

Zal staan

En dat dat is

Wat je wilt

Want die bergen

Zijn beloofd

En van goud.

Ofzoiets.

En als ik dan zeg:

“Ja dat alles is prima,

Maar die bergen

Van jou

Blokkeren dat mooie

Uitzicht waarvan ik

Genieten wil.” Zeggen

Diezelfde mensen die ooit

Zeiden dat het de kleine

Dingen zijn die er toe doen

Dat ik niets wil van het leven.

Maar wie wilt er nu zijn,

Als je kan doen doen doen?

En wie krijgt er nu niet gratis paar

Oogkleppen om onze wereld niet te zien

En enkel die van hen.

“Jouw wereld geeft me stress, man”

Blur ik uit in de diep oneindige echokamer

Van dat brein van mij. Luistert er tenminste iemand.

“Haal je bergen eens uit mijn uitzicht.”

Maar op die bergen,

Die niet zo zacht zijn

Als goud doet denken.

Kan je veel beter uitzicht zien

Dan waar dan ook.

En verder ook nog.

Ik heb een beter zicht hier

Op de grond,

Denk ik dan.

Ik zie tenminste

Alle details

En schilder ze na.

Hetzij niet echt

Lijkend,

Maar goed.

En als ik wat meer uitzicht

Wil zien, reis ik wel verder.

Horizontaal,

Niet verticaal,

Dank je vriendelijk.

Ik kom dan net zo ver als jij.

“Maar wil je dan niet op de top van de wereld zijn!!”

Gillen ze door een microfoon,

Een megafoon,

Een kakefoon.

En als ik zeg dat dit ook een top

Van de wereld is

En ik er net zo goed op sta,

Alleen iets dichter bij die

Spreekwoordelijke wereld

Waar ik mijzelf accepteer

Zoals ik ben,

Zuchten zij.

Ooit geven ze vast op

Mij te veranderen in iemand

Die ik ben, maar tot die tijd

Hoop ik, hoop ik, droom ik

Dat deze antwoorden mijn antwoorden

Zijn voordat mijn brein dichtslaat,

In watten verandert.

Dat dit mijn antwoord zal zijn,

Voor men weer over mij heen praat,

Over mij heen denkt,

Over mij heen stormt met nutteloze

Informatie. Ik heb het nu wel gehoord.

Haal je bergen weg, joh, rommelkont.

Ze verderven mijn uitzicht.

Zit eens naast mij en kijk rustig mee.

Everything nothing

You wonder

If this state of being

Has brought me

All these sudden gains.

You wonder if my

Battle is pretend

And my willingness

To fight is really in vain.

That I’m vain.

A little miss MunchHausen

With her soaplike

Drama hand

Stuck to her forehead

Lying in bed

With everyone

Catering to her

Needs

Saying:

“Are you okay, miss Scarlett?”

Type of

Vain.

This sickness has cost me almost everything.

This sickness is costing me almost everything.

This state of being is costing me everything.

And your words are empty and nothing.

But they hurt.

And they burn.

And they try to cross

Bridges to burn them too.

They slice,

And they scar.

They are forming

Letters

On my forearm.

They break

And not bend

They take the pieces

And throw them away

So they can not mend.

They drown

Lungs filled with water

They strip me titles

Lover, woman,

Writer, friend,

Sister, daughter.

They suffocate

And they cut open

Take my heart

Thrown on the floor

And leave it to the …

Vultures.

Maybe you are vultures.

Waiting for me to break and die

And pick on my bones.

“See, I told you so.”

Or would you believe me then?

That this is not a game?

I want my titles, and not forget

Who it is that I am,

And would you believe me then,

If I die?

Your words are empty. They mean nothing.

But I lie here alone and I lost everything.

I wanted to be something more and I lost everything.

I want to feel sands between my toes and I lost everything.

I just want to walk, and stand, and laugh,

And talk and do everything. I lost everything.

But not your words. Your empty words.

They have come and gone and they mean nothing.

I sometimes kinda wish that you meant nothing

Too. But it is okay that you do.

Even if it hurts,

And you do.

Maybe I did not lose my ability to feel pain.

Maybe that is my…

Not…

Everything.

Whose shoes am I in?

Carbon copy and melodrama

I am not surprised

Well not anymore

That you don’t really want this

I am a mirror, a dying art

And no one had lied

Except, there is a thing

Tell me, whose shoes do you want me to fill?

No steps forward, always three steps back

No one seems to want to

See it any other way

You just want your mind closed

And want for another day

I am not her, or her, or her

I am the offspring

That came from another interest

So tell me, whose shoes am I walking in?

Do you think the change will last?

The truth will never fit inside the box

If you come and try

To reshape it

I mean I have kept your words

And remembered

When you gave it

These shoes are two sizes too big

three too small

And they don’t fit me

I have the blisters on my feet

To try and prove

That I tried to be…

Someone else.

Someone else.

I tried to be someone else.

Because you told me.

So tell, who does these shoes belong to

Who do you want me

Modelled into?

I thought people cared for me

Just as I am

But I have made to be a fool

I made myself into a fool

So tell, who can I return these shoes to

And ask for my money returned

Before the warranty blows away

And if I can’t walk in my own boots

Maybe I should just walk away

Maybe I should walk away?

Should I walk away?

It’s not like you stayed.

I love loving but maybe if you gift me

Do not bring me shoes that don’t fit

Just tell me you heard me and respected it.

I will never give up on being here

And waiting but I am ready to stop trying.

I am not chasing all these ghosts

Until the day that we are trying.

Maybe you should try my shoes for once?

Everything forgotten

There is no real disease, you say

Just take a knife and cut it all away

And there is nothing wrong with me, you say

Just man up, just man up, just man up

It’s all in your heart, I hear you say

Or in your head or your thoughts

And it will never get any better this way

You don’t really want to be better, you say

And I am walking and I am walking

And I am here trying to be someone you could respect

Because love feels so much as

Too much to ask for, and you do all the talking

That is the distance you want to me to reach

But I am nowhere near your finish line

It keeps on moving away as you want to teach

me, that nothing comes you don’t need to fight for

But it should not be a fight to be a daughter,

A love or a friend, and even if I would never be a mother,

And I might never be one

I love like I love a child, I love like a child

I know I am disappointment, to you

Or to society, that I don’t know

I have everything to proof it

I might have no friends, I don’t know and

I am here all alone for ever it feels like

I doubt everything about who I am

I doubt if the world even wants me

But there is something you don’t know

I know the truth and it burns you

That I was right, that I am right and I did little wrong

Even if you blame for the much in this all

It was not me that twisted the words to

To something they were not

And it was not me that spread them all around

I was just here being a daughter forgotten

I was an everything forgotten

I only tried to be your friend, my dear

I only learned what you looked like from the back

When you thought I should run to catch you

But I can’t run, you see?

You still don’t believe I know what is wrong

Or the contents of my own body

And whatever this will be

I am not a liar and you don’t believe me

I am done trying, I do think I am

I don’t want to set me up for failure

If you want me you know how to find me

And I’ll be there and you won’t expect me to be

Until then I don’t think you will understand

Or you will try to even accept me

As I am, As my needs, me as a woman,

Me as daughter and me as a friend