Past mistakes

Hello,
It's so nice you see you here,
Here in my head where nothing seem to be clear
Hello,
Did I tell you my name,
Before you told me I was to blame?
Hello,
Can you slow it all down for me
Because I don't understand what happened, you see

I did everything that you told
And now that my body is finally sold
I opened my legs for you,
Closed my mouth,
Like a perfect shadow would do.
Cause I believed i was not worth any more
Than the opening and closing of my door

And after that I slept with everyone who wanted me
Because their rape told me that was the way I ought to be
I am nothing more than tool to any of them
I never knew I had my own soul to mend

So I discovered now
My name
Written in shame
And I understand the blame
But I am not the person you say I am
Just because of some mistakes that I made
When I did not understand
That this body only belongs to me
And you have no right to judge me

I used to lift my dress up so no one could see
The innerworkings of the person that I used to be
Everyone believed my naked masquerade
I was the person that I most hated

I tried to murder all my emotions
And I tried simply going through the motions
I tried to not to feel their breath on my skin,
Yes and maybe I even tried letting anyone in

Hello,
Can you blame me for not trusting anyone
After they raped me and my soul was gone
Hello,
Now I can never really be free
And I became my worst enemy
Hello,
Do you want to know who I am
Are you willing to take that stand

Because they took almost everything I had
And then I took what was left and I murdered that
I still have the memories of them raping my mind
Can you not understand why I wanted to leave myself behind
I don't want to be me, don't want to be me, don't want to be me
At least not all the time, maybe you can change me into the person I want to be

I lied to myself with my bosom right open
And sometimes I want to hang myself with the rope ends
Just to forget the injustice of all that happened

But I will try today to treat myself better than before
So I can't use my body to punish myself for their rape any more
I did not deserve what happened to me
And I don't deserve myself beating down on me
I am worth more than the innocence they took
It wasn't my fault, 
It wasn't my fault,
I am already cold,
So don't blame me.

Hello,
It's so nice you see you here,
Here in my head where nothing seem to be clear

(I am not a tool anymore,
I am a weapon now)