Zwartwit

Ik hou in mijn handen een hoofd van schaamte,
Ik heb meer van mijzelf laten zien dan ik wou.
Hoe ik word overgenomen door mijn emoties,
Is iets wat ik nog steeds niet kan uitleggen aan jou.
Mijn tranen aangetrokken door de zwaartekracht
En bevroren door een klap zo ontzettend koud.

Een ketting aan mijn handen en voeten.
Stilte aan de buitenkant, een wilde zee van binnen.
Je hebt het recht om boos op mij te zijn
Terwijl mijn roep om vergiffenis gaat beginnen.
Mijn demonen waren een klap in jouw gezicht,
Enkel omdat een klein ding hen niet zinde.

Misschien laat ik wel minder zien van mijzelf,
Veel minder dan ik had verwacht.
De diepste oorzaken blijven verborgen,
De redenen van mijn gedrag.
Ik ben het zwarte en het witte.
Soms ben ik de dag, soms ben ik de nacht.

Of misschien zijn al die dingen
Met elkaar verbonden in het diepste geheim
En ben ik helemaal niet tegenstrijdig,
Maar weet ik niet wie ik moet zijn.

De stilte

Stilte.
Alles leeg.
Alles zwijgt.
Geen emoties.
In de spiegel zie ik geen gezicht
Die naar mij terugkijkt.
Ik zie alleen een schaduw,
waar ik ooit was.
Tijd trekt zich langzaam voort.
De tik-tik-tok van de klok
Galmt door mijn oren
En benadrukt de stilte
Eromheen.
Waar mijn hart ooit zat
Zit nu een groot gapend hart
En waar mijn brein ooit was
Waait nu maar 1 gedachte.
Zal dit altijd duren?
Deze niets?
Deze leegte?
Ik mis mijn emoties.
Dezelfde emoties
Die ik soms vervloek
Wanneer ze mij overnemen
En beslissingen maken
Die ik liever had gemaakt
Met mijn ratio.
Kan iemand mij vertellen
Wat ik moet voelen?
Want deze stilte is overweldigend.
Ik voel niets,
En toch ben ik bang.
Ik ben zo ontzettend bang.

Nothing

My emotions ran over again
I was high and now I am falling.
Lightning strikes the sky
And I'm consumed.
Consumed by bitterness,
By anger and hate.
Consumed by fear,
A power to cry instantly.
In the silent.
In the dark.
Where no one can watch me.
I fight alone.

In my mind,
The demons never stop.
Nor do my hands
Or my feet.
I am going down
Screaming and kicking.
Filling the silence
With nothing at all.

Until it all stops,
And that dark nothingness settles.
It scares me most of all.

The path forever

I offer you my heart,
Its magic and its riddles.
For days and nights apart,
I just hold my breath and stand still.

Stand still at the ocean waves
That move so violently inside me.
A passion like the love you gave
And the love that you still give me.

I will want you until my last breath
And maybe even beyond.
Because we together are like cheating death,
If even for a second.

All I know is that I can't let you go,
Not now and not ever.
Your bright light will guide and show
The path that leads us to forever.

Stroom oneindig

Ik proef het op mijn tong,
Als de smaak van sigarenrook
En 20jaar oude whiskey.
De gewenning van gewoontes
Die niet gewoon zijn,
Behalve voor mij.
Ik beleef het als een impuls,
En daar is het weer,
Ik wil wat nieuws.
Ja de oude gewoontes
Komen met nieuwe gedachten.
Het geeft mij meer energie
Dan koffie.

Ik volg mijn hart opnieuw,
Ik kan er niets aan doen.
Het is alsof ik geleid word
Door een blinde.
En voor ik er ben,
Loop ik weg
Als een kat met een dikke staart.
Een nieuwe impuls,
Een nieuwe gedachte.
Een stroom oneindig.

Uitleg

Ik kan niet
Uitleggen
Waarom
Ik zo ben.
Kan jij
Uitleggen
Waarom jij
Jezelf
Ook niet kent?

Human death

She gave birth to herself
And people used to see the beauty
In her every move.
They loved her.
They loved her with flowers in her hair.
They loved her when her body was warm,
They loved her red hair
And they even loved her in her white dress.
We still don't know what changed.
But eyes are blind now,
Fixed on the ground.
Eyes that love the cold metal
Fixed on lives not even lived.
Eyes that witness destruction
Fixed on death that is not even coming,
Still her breath colours the wind
And in her arms she carries the fresh flowers
While they blamed her for her temparement
Every time they dug fresh holes into her skin.
One day,
She stared into the abyss
Curiosly and nervously
Unaware of hands that want to destroy
Pushing her in.
We are the killers.

Opression

This is not my home anymore.
Man in suits are taking measurements
Like spiders weaving their web.
They call me a freak,
Because I don't want their money,
Because I just want to be safe.
Does that make me a liar?

This was once the land I walked on
With bare feet and a head risen with pride.
Now I am watching trees fall to the ground,
Crying their bitter tears.

The tv is our background noise,
Because we need something to drown in.
Our eyes are closed and our minds corrupted.
You are not the only one
Who leads a life worth living.
But don't worry,
The dirts is covering your tracks.

An eagle flies over,
His feathers glistening in the moonlight,
In his paws she holds
The chains of freedom.
I smoke a cigar because they said I should like it.

Religious vampire

This was not our last goodbye
I tried but there you still stand
You, who lacks all social courage
I, a victim of your dismal demands

There's a lie in your reflection
I wish I never sold my weakness to you
You delight yourself with my failure
But I can no longer be fooled

You should not have been allowed to carry on
But you never withdrawn

Fold your hands with your prayer
But your soul is no longer there
You lead their way to being paralyzed
I will no longer be victimized
This is my right

All your amends were set ablaze
Inside your speeches of malady
Maybe it's hard to defy your stance
And I don't need you to explain it to me

Increase the pressure to make me feel guilt
For the life I choose, the life I build

Weave it all into your confession
You pretend to hold the vision
For a future that you sold
Where in you don't grow cold
You don't grow old

You weave a veil before their eyes
So that they believe your lies
How hard it must be to take control
If you find a lack of freedom crucial
Perhaps even essential

What will be the memory of the time
You defend hatred with a spiritual decline
A void inside you that can not be filled
Not even with all the lives you killed
Are you conscious of your decisions
As you lead all your sacred missions
Contradictions inside your denying gaze
So leave me out of your indoctrinating haze

Never confess your sins on to me
It leaves a faint taste of the obscene
Encircling claws that are all the same
Pushed out into the mere fame
Is this the end of your game
Is this the end of me enduring your game

The power

I think that I love you
In all of the old ways,
I am in love
With you
Once more.
I am not
Without blisters
From the last time we were burning,
But I am ready to face the fire
Again.

Once I was drowning
With your hand
To keep me afloat.
It is hard to be stuck in your head.
Love turned into a battle
And life
Kept tricking me
Into believing
That it was not there anymore.
But it always was.

It was there in your hands,
and the way I held you.
It was the kiss between
your lips
And mine.
It was there
To battle my demons.
My passions,
Your power
Were equally shared between our hearts.
It never went away.

You are starting to lift the veil
Before my weary eyes
And I feel strong
Once more.
Slowly,
So very very slowly
I am growing
But not without fear.
Yes I am still afraid.
Maybe I will always be.
But I rather fear while I love
Than fear being loved.
The lonely road is not mine to take.
Take me with you.

Insomniac Haze

The whole world sleeps
Under a coat of rain.
A curl of smoke around my face.
I am invisible in the darkness.
I am invisible and strangely sane.
The whole world is shadows,
Not even a star to light my face.
Hear me singing lovesongs
To that night
In my insomniac haze.
Oh how wonderful!
I kiss the night
With his dry, chafed lips.
And I watch.
And I cry
And I wish for sleep.
The whole world sleeps
And I dream a dream
Of poetry.

Talk to me
When I am tired
And beaten with rage.
Drowning in coffee,
Talk to me when I am wired.
I will tell you my secrets,
The urges to hard to resist
I will tell you
About the night in my head.
It is you that I missed.
This insomniac haze
Might drown me tomorrow.
I walk the empty rooms
But if you asked it of me
I will follow you.
I slip my skin
And become a new me
Every time.
Until the moment
That I sleep an unbroken sleep
Like how the world sleeps.
And I dream a dream
Of poetry.

Tethered

It is not a revelation
I know you better than I know myself
I have seen how you hurt
Enough to put your dreams back on the shelf

And it is not a revelation
That sometimes you are too tired to fight
I have seen how you hurt
Enough to leave yourself completely denied

You are your worst enemy
Sometimes you are just like me

And you carried yourself on broken wings
Just to let the world know you have tried
You still don't know how it is to be alive

I wish I did not understand
Why you given up trying a long time ago
The years all slipped away
And it left you with nothing to show

We have been here before
I read all the notes that you had left
You smile your broken glory
And tell me that your mind is set

And you carried yourself on broken wings
So you could claim life has beaten you down
You still don't know how to rise from the ground

And you carried yourself on broken wings
Never putting down the burden in front of you
Sometimes wishing death would find you soon

You are tethered to yourself
You are tethered, tethered, tethered to yourself

Jaren later

Ik ben onderweg naar de rest van mijn leven, misschien
Ik ben onderweg om jou te zien
Mijn hart bonst harder dan de muziek in mijn oren
Het is jouw stem die ik eindelijk zal horen
De trein rijd zachtjes het station binnen
Terwijl de wielen onder mijn voeten zingen
Jouw schaduw valt op het verlichtte perron
Is dit hoe ons leven begon

Jouw klassieke schoonheid wind zich om mij heen
Het is alleen jij en ik, en het steen
Onder mijn voeten die het moment dragen
In de stilte durf ik het nog niet te vragen
Wil je de mijne zijn zoals ik jou wil toebehoren
Maar mijn stem kan alleen die mooie stilte verstoren
Ik pak jouw hand en jij pakt die van mij
Ik voel jouw lichaam trillen in de ritme van samenzijn

Ik bemin jou als zachte lippen die warm kussen
Jouw adem kan mijn hart niet sussen
Ik bemin jou met mijn vingers in jouw haar
Enkel jij en enkel ik werd een wij daar
Ik bemin jou en ik bemin jou compleet
Dat is het enige wat ik nooit vergeet
Met mijn armen om jouw middel draag jij mijn hart
Is liefde op het eerste gezicht niet erg apart

Jaren later kijk ik nog steeds naar jou
En herinner ik mij dat moment en hoe ik jou wou
Jij werd mijn ridder en jij werd mijn redder
Ik werd jouw hoeder en ik werd jouw herder
Als ik dit alles toen al wist
Was ik nog gelukkiger dat ik mijn kans niet heb gemist
Want jaren later weet ik nog hoe ik jou toen wou
Jaren later kijk ik nog steeds naar jou

Geloof in mij

Ik heb geen God om in te geloven.
Ik heb het aan mijzelf beloofd
Om eerst eens de ik een nieuwe kans te geven.

Want ik heb de ik te lang genegeerd.
Zij zat stil in een hoekje van mijn brein
Te huilen omdat zij niets proefde van het leven.

De wereld kan zo ontzettend mooi zijn,
Zelfs op de meest grauwe grijze dag die je kan vinden.
Het is een kunst om emoties te ervaren
En niet jezelf te verliezen in de wateren van pijn.

Ik geloof nog steeds dat ik sterk ben.
Ook op de dagen dat ik gebroken en gewond doorbreng.
Nee ik heb geen God om in te geloven,
Maar er komt een tijd dat ik ga geloven in mijn eigen stem.

The hunt

(Don't look me in the eyes)

I remember....

I remember a day when I was not broken
By the continuous strain on my little hands
You called yourself a god
And try to take the lands
I called
My own

You saw with jealousy and declared a war
I fought with valour, you fought without pride
Just so you would win
And beat down all the fight
I had
Within me

But my resistance is not gone
I keep on pulling myself from the floor
And now it's my turn
To take back what had shattered before

I hunt you down with ease
I hunt you down vigorously
I am the shadow that nobody sees
I am the shadow....

And when I found you
You never saw me coming
You thought that I fell too
For your little lies

How do you like the roles in reverse
How do you like me, twisted and perverse

How do you like it, suddenly being aware
How do you like my screaming massacre

I can feel your heartbeat down my throat
And your blood on my fingertips
Even when I close my eyes
I still taste your name on my lips

It doesn't help to fasten the pace
Crawling back into your corner
I put the images in your mind
Told the child in me how much you hurt her

You tried to sodomize the truth
But it kept rising up from the ash
And now it crept beneath your skin
Turning your heart into a twisted mess

So feed the war if you still want to fight
But cover your scars, you always have something to hide

And one day someone will see
That you are not the person you pretend to be

Didn't you know I already won this?

The devil in her

A shadow on the street
High heels on pavement
I followed her home
And she knew...

A finger on her lips
But I don't want her silence
I just want to feel her skin
And the promise that they denied us

No I don't want her silence
I want her screams inside my mouth
Her on all fours on the ground
While I turn her inside out

Her dark hair red with my blood
She is everything I am not
I want to spell innocence on her skin

Oh leave me broken and bruised
I leave her silent and used
I want to spell my name on her skin

I rip her skin off with my teeth
She unbuttons me straight into my heart
A little pout, all she needs to seduce me
Between her legs rages a war

Oh, how I love every scream
And how I taste all of her desires
She wants me to destroy all that is her
Until her brain is made of lose wires

Her dark hair red with my blood
She is everything I am not
I want to spell innocence on her skin

Oh leave me broken and bruised
I leave her silent and used
I want to spell my name on her skin

I hold those needles on my tongue
Just so I can make her feel
My world is not dying
 I hold these fires on my tongue
Just so I can let her see
That she is crying

She's hunting me down
She's begging me for more
And I can't get enough of her
I want to tear her apart
Hear her screams in the dark
We would create quite a stir

Her dark hair red with my blood
She is everything I am not
I want to spell innocence on her skin

Oh leave me broken and bruised
I leave her silent and used
I want to spell my name on her skin

A fourlegged wonder rising up
From the mess they made
Shattered pieces on the ground
A slate
Wiped clean

There is a devil in her now.....

Owe

Darkness.
There is just you
And her
And the shadows in between.
Fastening pace,
Raching heart.
She longed for silence.
Do you understand she never felt safe alone?

But you,
You just spit your insults
Like a trainwreck waiting to happen.
'I owe you nothing.'
She whispers under her breath.
And she really
Owes
You
Nothing.

Her crime is being a woman
For which you condemned her
Long ago.
Do you think you are strong now?

My will

Your lips
On my
Bottle of vodka.
Oh my,
The daring look
In your eyes.
You sip from me
With firey
Determination.
You took
The road
You haven't traveled
Before.
Am I ready?
But I don't care.
I want to sin
With you
For hours,
For days,
Forever,
Maybe.
Take your
Heavy breathing
Onto my tongue.
All consuming
All knowing.
Take your
Bleeding skin
Onto my burning one
All consuming
All knowing.
Make me fly.
Making me fly.
Mental penetration.

I need.
Yes I am in need.
I need to feel the music
Touching my skin,
Licking me all over,
Before it burns me.
Who's the predator
And
Who's to blame?
I need you as a thought,
My will to be yours,
Your desire to be mine,
And then
I will put
A handgrenade
In your mouth
And make you
Explode
All
Over
Me.

A perfect example

I won't tell you what I know
I am not okay
But I don't want it show
Sit in silence
Oh so silent
So very very silent....

Obedient as I was
I followed your every order
All I wanted to do was sound the alarm
And run run run run run
From the hurt
And the shame
The misery
And the pain
Sit here so very silent
Curled up into a ball

But I can't....
(Stay away from me
Stay away from me)

Cause I
I can't satisfy this thirst
I want the kill
I want to feel your neck snap
Your blood on my hands
I need this thrill

The devil am I
Your own little fallen angel
Your eyes so wide
Eyes that are so incredibly blind
Did you have a reason
For why you lied

Behind my eyes
Inside my mind
There's a fire
Burning bright
Behind my eyes
Inside my mind
All consuming power
Remains denied

I'm the predator, I'm the predator, I'm the predator

Iron cuts
Bricks break bones
Wood bleeds you dry
And you don't have any stones

You hide
Behind your faith
You think God might save you
From your own hate

But whatever I had, you had it first
So filled with hunger, so filled with the thirst
But we are not the same

You break, I create
You had power and I have hate
You were king and I am a slave
To the emotions
And I want to create you
Your face my canvas
My fist the pencil to
Paint you over

So point your gun at my temple
You can't take down my church
So get your tongue out my throat
And I will make you a perfect example