Birthday

The simplicity and complicity of a birthday.

Today is the day
Of quiet and loud reflection.
Thoughts and memories
Are slowly raining down on me.
And I wonder
Why I am so at peace
While drowning
In waves of terror.

Are the happy thoughts
Perhaps
Keeping me afloat?
A contentment
With all
I learned?
Knowing that
I am
Not alone
In this?
Yes perhaps.
Perhaps.

I have not hardened myself
This year
For anything
That came my way.
Full blows
Teaching me
Where the weaknesses
Are.
To focussed on parts of me
That I did not like.
To obsessed with my faults
And faults I did not even make.

I cried bitter tears
And thought bitter thoughts,
Never did I run for the storm.

In the end,
I am the one coming out
Still standing.
Yes I am still standing.

But eventually, most of all
I remember most vividly
Your face.
You that I love.
Your arms around me,
Telling me that I am not alone in this,
That we will go through all of this together.
Together, girl, you said
We can take on the world.
And I believed.
I still believe.