Een regen van slagen

Hij zei
Dat niemand ooit van mij zou houden
Niet zoals hij van mij hield,
Terwijl zijn vuisten neerdaalde
Als een regen van slagen
En ik geloofde hem.
Soms geloof ik hem nog steeds,
En soms geloof ik nog dat ik het verdiende.
Maar meestal geloof ik het niet meer.
Dan kijk ik om mij heen,
Naar mijn nieuwe leven,
Naar mijn geliefden,
En naar de nieuwe jaren die kwamen
Toen ik bij jou weg ging,
En zie ik dat jij altijd tegen mij heb gelogen.
Misschien ben ik niet altijd gelukkig,
Maar ik ben altijd gelukkiger dan ik toen was.

Liefde

Misschien 

Moet je een keuze maken.

Dat is wat je zei.

Ok zei ik,

Ik kies voor liefde.

Zeg me,

Wat kies jij?

In memoriam

Het is toch raar

Hoe iemand er opeens

Niet meer kan zijn.

Een lege stoel,

Een stille plek.

Een kale leegte

Opeens niet meer opgevuld.

Eens een familielid,

Vriend,

Collega,

Nu enkel een herinnering.

Wat toen normaal was,

Nu onherkenbaar.

Ooit zal je er aan wennen,

Lachen om de goede herinneringen

Die je hebt van deze persoon.

Nu nog even niet.

Nee, nu nog even niet.

Want het is toch raar

Hoe iemand zo maar weg is,

Hoe iemand zo maar uit je leven verdwijnt.

Dead men's creed

I once had a dream that I could save the world
A childs vision to a grown up society
But now I only have dreams where in I save myself
And the future that lay before me

I am on the boundaries of that place we call living
Always seeing death creeping in
Will there be a day that he will come to get me
I am not ready but I might be dying

I sleep with tears in my eyes for my fallen brothers
I sleep but not in peace
I awake to a world that is blind for all the suffering
I awake but not at ease

Yes, I am in war with the world but they don't see me
They all live inside your head
Their own battleground is far away from their battles
Using my image without consent

What the purpose was of the mission, I once thought I knew
But now it all seems vague
This world condemned in the hands of murdering greed
Keeping us all in an unknowing haze

When I leave this world, will it remain broken and beaten
All of my fighting now seems in vain
Because they will always find another battle to fight
As the world cries out in pain

Abuse of self, by you

You left me burning
Right before your eyes
A secret yearning
A tremble and a sigh

I wished for you to come back
And recognise my pain
But I never knew growing stronger
Would take you away
From me

Should you return
Right through the woods
In pain I will reject you
Like you never knew I could

Read

I love to read,

I love to read up a blessed storm.

The art of putting one word

After the other

Never failed to impress me.

I am in love with it

So utterly

Completely

That I never fail to embrace it.

Page after page after page

My eyes search for the message

That the writer left there

Just for me.

Perhaps also for you,

In your book,

Not mine.

It raises my ego,

Leaves me wet with these feelings,

Tearing sentences apart with my brain.

And I am a bottomless abyss

Of emotion

As soon as I finish the book,

Read it cover to cover.

As soon as the book releases me

Out of his warm, inky embrace.

Still I am all the better for it.

This is comfort as I know it.

Sleepwalker

I am a person of shadows

and sometimes I feel

best at home

in the drouzyness of the night.

Taking in every bit of the dark

as to wake me,

get me out my slumber

without confronting me with real life.

It seems strange to me

that this is the time

sleep calls on us

and brings us into a state of unconsciousness,

while I want to be conscious,

and breathing, and awake.

i want to taste the night

with my fingertips,

with my whole being

and let imagination devour me

before a slumber sets

with the early morningsun.

Taking me to dreams

that should only be dreamed in the soft light of day.

So sleep eludes me

and rhytme repels me,

but I still find myself,

every time,

to be a slave to the desires

of the world and not my own.

Maybe one day 

I will find a way to understand

and become truly what I am by default.

A sleepwalker.

Even niets

Iedereen wil wel eens een dag niets

Maar ik kan er niet van genieten.

Ik zit in mijn hoofd

En ik blijf maar denken.

"Ik verspil mijn dagen.

Ik verspil mijn leven.

Straks ben ik 90 en heb ik niets bereikt.

Straks ben ik dood en heb ik niets gezien.

Er is nog zoveel wat ik wil doen."

Ik wil zoveel,

Dat ik de rust niet kan vinden,

Om dan ook maar iets  van die dingen te doen. 

Had ik maar vrede met een dag niets gedaan,

Misschien zou ik dan een dag niets hebben.

Want iedereen,

Iedereen wil wel eens een dag niets.

Wie ik ben, ben ik.

Ik staar naar buiten

Door een raam.

Mijn warme adem maakt wolken op het koude glas.

Ik ben niet alleen.

Ik kan nooit alleen zijn,

Het is altijd hetzelfde verhaal,

Dezelfde stemmen en hetzelfde geluid,

En ik probeer te denken.

Ik denk in de termen van het kwaad,

Die zich om mij heen heeft gestrengeld

En bij mij naar binnen glijd

Via mijn ogen.

Via mijn ogen die de beelden zien

Die het kwaad in mijn hoofd heeft geprojecteerd.

Stilte.

Er is geen stilte.

Er is nooit een moment stilte.

Nee, er is nooit een moment van stilte in mijn hoofd.

De wereld buiten mij doet mij pijn.

De wereld om mij heen doet mij pijn,

Omdat de wereld in mij mij pijn doet.

En ik kan mijzelf niet verbergen,

Ik kan mijzelf niet verstoppen voor mijzelf,

Voor wat ik mijzelf aan kan doen,

Wanneer ik alleen ben.

Ik mis mij.

Ik mis mijzelf.

Ik mis wie ik ooit was,

Al weet ik niet meer wie ik toen was.

Ode to friendship

I love you in the most absurd way

And you're but a mere friend

In the eyes of others.

But there's nothing  mere about you

Not for me anyway.

I can count on this simple thing we have

More than I can count on myself.

It's unasking,

Undemanding,

And forgiving.

It has more solice

Than a bottle of vodka,

More taste than the finest apetite,

And it's easier than a cigarette.

I read those words you send me

With the deepest part of my brain

And I hear every thing 

You want to tell me.

And in the silences I still know that I am known,

Unwithering,

Unforgotten.

Sometimes I might miss you,

But you remain my friend.

More than a mere friend.

I love you in the most absurd way.

I love you more than words can say.

Those many faces

There was this girl nobody  knew

A silence in her eyes

She's just another life flowing by

Between the days

And between the nights

She always pretends to be strong

Her head held up high

And she smiles when she's passing

Oh but inside her

Inside her she is dying

They all have things to do

Nobody looks at her

Nobody sees the many different faces

That are all hers

And she feels so misplaced

And she just longs to belong

A part of this society

Just to be a part of someone's heart

But she remains unnoticed

All she can do is play her part

And when she is all alone, she kills herself for everything that happened

She dies with convinction, she just wishes that the pain would end

So she simply cries

The voices in her head still screaming

Her whole body weighing heavily on the floor

Nobody there to hold her from breaking

She doesn't know who she is

Many faces make her

Hours that escape all her attention

When she's not there at all

She has been hiding inside for too long

And she tries to open herself up

With the sharpest knife

She tries everytime, just to see inside

If she is still there

To try and heal parts of her that died

She just wishes she could lose herself to the dance of life

Instead she just stands here, captured by her darkest night

Whenever she bleeds

All those sides bleed into eachother

And sometimes she is not there at all

Another me, another you, another her

She dries every tear

And she wears the scars on her soul

So softly, so  proudly and so elegantly

So that everybody can believe she's whole

But there she goes again

Falling like the silence that fell around her

Failing to believe in herself

She wishes she could take a stand

Burn the bridges between her and the hurt

With every reason that made her fell

But there she goes again

Not strong enough to pick herself up once more

She wants to lay down forever

Waiting for it all to end

All those feelings she already felt before

Yes she wants to lay down forever

I saw her, yes I saw her

This beautiful girl that nobody knew

And this girl that nobody knew

Oh I promise to hold her through and through

Until she rizes again

Until she wakes again....

Coming down

I watch you from a distance

But your silence is all that I remember

And there never was a day

That we were able to last forever

But time keeps ticking on

Here we are, here we still stand

Repeating the same old patterns

And I dance on to the beat of your demands

You want everything and then nothing at all

You like to see me climb, you like to see me fall

As I was coming down

From the high you brought me in

With still some things to spare

I came to my conclusions

When I found out you weren't there

(As always)

I know that you can't help it

But the reality of it is, neither can I

And I just want to pull you inside

Inside my mind so you can see beyond my eyes

I don't always like what I have become

So, so insecure and that's something that will show

I have to fight for everything that I have

The world is not at my feet, that's all that I know

I have to remember this is just who you are

You are always close, you are always so far, far, far,

Away

As I was coming down

From the state that I was in

So willing to finally share

I wandered the borders of your life

Realizing that I never did belong there

(But still I try)

As I was coming down

From a rollercoaster standing still

With every reason to stare

I kept on shaking, shaking things up

Just to find that no one cared

(And I believe it)

It's up and down

Round, round, round, round

Inside that head of mine

You can't read it on my face

But it's never silent inside

And you, you are a drug

My last trace

Of emotion and disillusion

You are so delightfully human

A world without a single vision

And I

I just want to taste all of it

As I was coming down

From things that once lived me up

I was overcome by this despair

That everything will be gone

These emotions are more than I can bare

You're just like all the others

You're just like all the others

You're just like all the others

And you're not the same at all

To me

Cold heartbeat

Don't let me go
I don't want to be here all alone
Don't let me stay
Nothing will get better that way

Don't hold me down
All your words are much too loud
Don't release your grip
In this moment I will let myself slip

I don't know what to do with myself
Maybe I am too far gone
I have gone deep inside my mind again
Thinking thoughts I should have left alone

There's a sadness inside my mind
One that can not easily be erased
And all of your kind words might never reach me
I was born with those tears, All the help is much too late

Don't let me heal
It's the only way that I can feel
Don't let me be hurt
I will drag you along through the dirt

Don't let me know
It hurts me too much to see it all go
Don't let me see
What the hell is wrong with me

And I am someone who thinks too much
Sometimes don't think enough
It's the way that I hurt myself 

It's the cold heartbeat behind wet glass
Always outside, always in the rain I am
Outside the world, far from people who understand
But would you believe me if I said that I would do what I can 

It's me thinking that I don't deserve this
That I am a nuisance for everybody around
And maybe it's too hard to start believing in myself
Because I am much too scared of the fall should I come down

And I am writing up a storm
Everytime I feel the sting
Of thoughts pressing on me
I wish I wasn't hurting
I wish I could show you me
And I am writing up a storm
Everytime I feel left alone
Do you even want to talk
I don't want to turn to stone
Could I ever stand proud and tall

A broken sleep with many thoughts to come
And I am still here with everything you left behind
Darkened memories of things that could have been
You might never know how many times you crossed my mind


Don't come closer
I dare you to come closer
Don't come closer
I dare you to come closer
I dare you to come closer

Victimized

A victim once
Not a victim twice
But I still hold my breath
When you are close by

And now you come
Erasing your goodbye
Without compassion
For those you victimized

The sour sting
And haunting eyes
Memories that won't fade
Over time

Breath in my troat
And I realize
There's no escape
From these lies

Oh how I wish
For your demise
But you escaped
Through the hands of time

Gebrek aan zijn

Een woord, een daad, een gefluisterde niets
Was al genoeg, waarom weet ik niet precies
Een harde woede komt nu over mij
Alles moet kapot, niets mag meer zijn

En ik weet niet meer wat ik doe
Wie ik ben, en wat ik nog meer voel
Ik ken alleen de woede in mij
De diepe schreeuw en het gebrek aan zijn

Ik haal mijn nagels langs je gezicht
Staar met blinde ogen naar het zonlicht
De rust die jij ademt maakt jou broos
En je vraagt me: Waarom ben je zo boos

Een antwoord die ik jou verschuldigd blijf
Terwijl de woede steeds dieper in mij snijd
Een schreeuw wringt zich hard naar buiten
Wanneer jouw armen om mij heen sluiten

Ik sla mijn vuisten tegen jouw borst
Vervloek jouw naam, jouw moed, jouw trots
Ik wil niet tegengehouden worden, misschien ook wel
Mijn laatste gevecht met een harde gil

En zo snel als het kwam is het ook weer weg
Geloof jij mij wanneer ik sorry zeg
De schade die ik aanbracht nu diep in mij
Als een groot verdriet en een gebrek aan zijn

Schreeuw

Ik schreeuw naar jou

Maar

Kan je niet zien

Dat ik wil dat jij mij

Vasthoud?

Shattering beauty

Her beaty stuns me
And it's just me and her
I watch her in all her frailty
Her hands hold her face in place

She falls to the floor
Her eyes wide open
I can see her tears opening doors
Inside her she wish she never had

She is screaming
As she remembers
Every single little vile thing
That they did to her in her sleep

Scratching the surface
Her heart keeps on beating
Even though she surpassed
The moment when you still feel alive

And I can't touch her
I can't hold her down
Wishing I can make her feel better
Reaching for the mask that once hid her

Her heart growing sizes
Just to hold the feelings in
Everybody tells her she just lies
When she tells them about her past

She wished to be free
Of all her emotions
But still she breaks down before me
In all her shattering beauty

Suddenly she rises up
Putting order in her messy hair
Wiping her face to make the raining stop
And she walks away like nothing ever happened

But I will never forget
What I have seen today
Masks will never carry beauty to an end
And one day my mask might break as well

I wish someone would see me like that too....

A silent leaving

Put on your best fake smile
And pretend everything is okay
This life is the greatest show
You will play in for the rest of your days

The memory perfect pictures 
The lies that tell you are insane
The differences between you and them
Are the voices that you will slowly gain

A finger pressed against your lips
Hushing every word you want to speak
It was always the same with him
And you have never felt so weak 

And you never dared to speak up, for the fear of being left
Broking into promises that were never kept

You tried screaming the truth
But that did not help
So you withdrew deep inside yourself
Putting yourself down
Putting yourself down on the shelf
(When you still believed in Maybe next time)

Now they say you don't talk
Maybe you've forgotten how
So lonely and cold where you are
And nobody comes around

But you will be fine in a minute
At least that's what you tell them
And that's what you tell yourself
Holding onto everything you can

So speak your mind, my dearest
Because I can see you fading
They always told you to be silent
Their words you shouldn't be holding

I wish you were more certain about the person you can become
I wish you weren't feeling so numb

And I would kill to break your chains
If you would let me in
Open your hands and find your voice
Because you have
Because you'll always have a choice
(And one day you will see it all)

But still you will always be leaving
To withdraw inside yourself
I hope one day it will not be in silence
Your words matter
Your dreams matter without any end
(Chasing them will make you happy)

I know what they told you
But this is not the past
You are not born to hurt everyone
There's a truth inside you
A truth that will last
And yes, I know what they told you
Inside the secret chambers of your head
But you belong to the living
People that see what you are
And listen to all the words you said

One day you will tell yourself
That you love who you are
And maybe that day will not  be today
A world smiling at you
The silent leaving of the words of yesterday
The silent leaving of the words of yesterday

Herfst

Met open ogen staar ik naar de wereld
Die mij met zijn schoonheid verrast,
Elke keer opnieuw,
En ik haal emoties
En herinneringen
Omhoog.
De dagen van tranen
Zijn misschien nog niet voorbij,
De dagen van warmte
Wel.
En ik?
Ik voel mij zwaar voor dit jaargetijde,
Te zwaar
Misschien.
Maar lichter dan toen in het voorjaar
En lichter dan vorig jaar,
Dus ik geniet;
Van de rode en gele bladerpracht
Dat knispert onder mijn voeten.
Van de warme najaarszon
Die later op staat dan ik,
En de duisternis die het brengt.
Van de regendruppels
Die langs mijn ramen naar beneden stromen,
Terwijl ik verlangend naar buiten staat.
Ja ik geniet,
van kaarslicht
En hete thee tussen mijn handen.
In de herfst voel ik altijd weer dat ik leef.

Weight

It's all inside my mind
But still it's tearing me apart
Thoughts that keep repeating
Actions that should never start

And it's all inside my mind
I feel the edges expanding
It takes me over completely
I am not sure who is winning

The decisions that I made weigh heavily on my soul
And I never told you about the innocence that he stole

I want to lose the weight I am carrying
I want to take it all and spit it in your face
And it's just that all my problems are showing
You see, I will kill to make everything better
But I know my recommendations are not that glowing

There's something standing
Between you and me
It's everything else that I am
Will you dare to call me fatty

I kill to make them see
All my different reasons for being
But I just put their weight on me
My eyes are simply closing

You see every name you call me, are ten more inside my head
And I opened my legs for to many judgemental opinions

I just want to lose the weight that I am carrying
And I just really want to talk and share at all
But I still fear the day that I find myself crying
I closed myself off and buried me under the weight
Of the world, and now every drop of blood is crawling

And it's all about losing the weight that I carry
Every pound is a symbol of the life that I have led
Do you have the answer that will set me free
Because I am not breathing, and I am not talking
I just want a smaller heart to bury deep inside me

And I am feeling hopeless
Unguided by the hands of time
And I can't call you mine
Can you not take a guess
To what has happened to my soul
Before you spit your vile
All over my pretty dress
And tell me I will never be whole
Maybe you can't see this
But this all is making me sad
My heart is still beating
For every little thing that I miss

And maybe this isn't all about the weight that you see
But it's about the weight that I carry deep inside
Do you understand that I am still unable to tell the story
Now I am teased, now I am broken, and they are blind
These words unspoken might one day set me free

The kill

Why won't you laugh
You know I am coming
I am going to steal your breath
Best you be running

I am not the type to kill
But I promised you before
That you would be the exception
So don't fall to the floor

And I am already dead, so you don't need to worry
That I will loose my soul, the lines aren't that blurry

And I imagine,
With a smile on my face
The blood running over my hands
Falling down, falling down
So beautiful, so much grace

Do you want to go home
Well I am not letting you alone
Watch the fire in my eyes turn to black
Beneath your headstone

I will leave my body
And run through the darkness in my mind
Just to find you hiding behind

Your old promises
And the lies that you told
Yes, dear, I remembered them all
You gave them all away
Now you became too old

Because you deserve
Your light being switched off
I want to watch your body become cold
Say goodnight to all the stars
Say goodbye to those you never loved

I'm out for the kill
I'm out for blood
I'm out for everything
That you got
Because you were the reason that I fell down
Because of you I never knew where I belonged
And still you won't see me coming, do you
I'll be there before the end of this song

And I am still watching
The blood falling off my hands
As it softly runs along my fingertips
I cry on the beat of the drops
I flame under the memory of your demands

I will cut you out of me
Even if it takes the dullest knife
I will open up all my veins
And bleed you out of my life

And I am already dead, so you don't need to worry
That I will loose my soul, the lines aren't that blurry

Digital infusion

It started as a memory
A complete reverse of how things needed to be

And it started as a dream
But soon reality came seeping through the seems

You weren't perfect but I always knew
Yet you still try to see me as a blinded fool

And now I am empty like a summer-river
And now I am crying out for a helping hand
But you turn your head like you always do
Time is slipping away from us, my friend

Sometimes things will never change
But I won't let you drown me in your agony
Little snakes in the grass biting my feet
I kept my distance but still I can see

Your faked denial
And your superstition
As empty
As your connection
Black as coal
Your eyes closed
Passing me by
Like a ghost
Stuck behind a screen
Reading words
You embrace
Because it hurts

You wear your 360 shades of not caring
But I have seen through them all
And I have watched you fall

Are you even alive with your digital infusion
Am I more than zeros and ones
I remember you cared once

So take my hand and show me your way
I desperately want to be mistaken
Instead you always leave me forsaken

It started as a memory
A complete reverse of how things needed to be

Crowdpleaser

(What are you looking for)

Life is but a performance
Painting on that perfect smile
A mind that rises to the occasion
And lifts you away
But you are in denial

Cause it's never really enough
Every time you hear them ask for more
And it is getting harder to wake up
Silently wishing that
You could close the door

So you are counting the days
The hours and the minutes that lead
You away from who you used to be
And without the answers
You try to move on instead

But the tears come at night when no one sees
How your mask crumbled down
How you fell to your knees

And the crowd is roaring
Carelessly scanting your name
They don't know that you burned long ago
They don't know that you never wished for the fame

Everyone is watching you fall
But no one opens their eyes long enough to see
What is truly happening in front of them
Drowning the pain
Hoping that'll set you free

Oh yes, the crowd is soaring
As you are lifting them up to the skies
For a moment you can pretend you feel better
As you are watching them through your bloodshed eyes

Tell me now, do you feel better
When you hold everything inside
Burning your skin until you die
Over and over again
And I see so much from me in you
I'm watching you outside your mind
How I sometimes wished that I was blind
Your downfall is choking me

With your hands before your face, you try to bury yourself away
And all of the grief, and all of the misery is slowly leading you astray

But the crowd is cheering
So you tell yourself that you don't mind
To pretend to be someone else for the moment
To make that smile your own just for the night

Oh, the crowd is applauding
Your performance was surely magical
But the fear is written deep inside your eyes
Will they still be there for you after your fall

(Is that what you are looking for)

Nighttime hour

The time has come,

I need to go to sleep.

But in the nighttime hour I weep

Of broken promises

And chances missed.

And it doesn't feel like I exist.

I close my eyes,

I wipe them dry,

Think of everything I need to hide.

You cross my mind

If ever so slightly.

I once thought you could understand me.

Were you a chance missed,

A broken promise,

Or just a dream that couldn't exist?

You've let me go,

And asked me too

Release my every grip on you.

Now I am here,

Between the sheets

As the darkness starts to bleed.

Remembering you,

Just as a thought,

Everything that we were not.

The time has passed,

I should have slept.

But in this nighttime hour,

I only wept. 

Losing my mind

I remember the days that I was blind,
I was drowning in a blink of an eye.
The days turned into weeks and I never noticed
How time can pass you by.
And now that I am here, I don't feel safe.
What can I trust, what of this is real.
I watched all my dreams shatter before my eyes,
And I don't know how to feel.

It's scratching on the walls inside of me,
I fear that I am losing my mind again.
A veil falls before my eyes and I'm not myself anymore,
Too weak to take a stand.
It feels like I am falling away from the earth
And from everything that I hold dear
I don't want to be this insane, to feel like everything's in vain
But I am intoxicated with the fear.

What will happen to the life I want to lead
If I have to start at the beginning once more?
I thought I was starting to believe in myself this time,
But old scars are closing the door.
Do I need to chain myself to the silence?
My head is too crowded for me to live in.
I am trying so hard to drown all the noise and all the pain.
Where's the end to the beginning?

So I stand tall and fake the most perfect smile,
But it still feels like I am made of glass
And I will shatter in an instance, right before their eyes.
Unaware of how long I will last.

Your creed

I dread speaking to you,
Sometimes.
Scenarios unfold
Inside my mind.
You supposed to be my friend,
But you always seem to put me down.
Being around you makes me tense,
I'm never defeated by you.
Is it your deceptive nature?
I don't have the answer.
You always think you're right,
But darling, you aren't tonight.

I avoid whispering,
But I am no fool.
And I wonder if you're blind.
You can't see me for who I am.
I am merely an echo to you,
And you can't find me.
I am hiding beneath the truth,
There's a world
Underneath it.
You don't have me fooled.

And you can't lure me closer,
You are wasting commands.
Because the truth is more
Than you can comprehend.
A chokehold won't help you
Like it did before.
Don't wait for me.
I closed the window
Maybe one day I'll close the door.