Mijn jaar

Aan het eind
Van het jaar
Zing ik
Mijn lied.
Wie niet weg is,
Is gezien.
Alhoewel ik niet
Weet wat er
Komen gaat
Lijk ik elke
Keer weer
Krom te liggen
In een spagaat
Om te geloven
Dat dat jaar
Een beter jaar word
Dan die er voor.
Ik blijf mijzelf
Beloven
Dat dingen
Goed gaan komen
Als ik er voor vecht.

En die dingen
Komen goed
Maar dingen
Raken aan mij
Gehecht.
Vecht ik voor het een
En ben ik dan klaar
Komt de ander
Aangezet.
Opgelet!
Het is een nieuwe
Uitdaging
Is wat het zegt.

Een fijne irritatie
Is wat het is.
Maar we gaan door
En vechten door
En zuchten door
En klimmen door
En kruipen door
En nu ja,
Je weet wat ik bedoel.
Weet je waarom?
Dit jaar word mijn jaar!

Is this?

Is this
The year
That the line
Draws near
And the world
Stops moving
In slow-mo-tion?

Is this
The time
That I can
Call mine
And finally
I know how to
Start brea-thing?

Is this
My call
For arms,
For it all
And my time
To make sure
I stop fall-ling?

Is this
All clear
Like I will,
Like I hear,
And will I
Be more
Than 'round the cor-ner?

Is this
Is this
Is this?

Is this armageddon time,
Right before I start living?
Is this gonna wreck it all?
Can I be that all forgiving?

Is this still all consuming,
Like I see the world always to be?
Is this gonna be my time?
Is this finally gonna be?

Is this
The truth
Before the fall
And I deluded
To the con-
Sequences
Of real-i-ty?

Is this
Gonna show
Me how it's
Gonna go
Right like
They assume
I did not even know?

Is this
Is this
Is this?

Is this armageddon time,
Right before I start living?
Is this gonna wreck it all?
Can I be that all forgiving?

Is this still all consuming,
Like I see the world always to be?
Is this gonna be my time?
Is this finally gonna be?

Is this a truth that is going to set me free?
That in the end everything is going to leave me?
Well I guess, I have lived with less before?
Will it make it easier to fit into the door
And pass onto a new time for who I am?
Being less heavier with burdens, can I stand?
Can I be the one to know if this is, is this?
Is this going to answer if this is, is this?
Is this that time?

Is this armageddon time,
Right before I start living?
Is this gonna wreck it all?
Can I be that all forgiving?

Is this still all consuming,
Like I see the world always to be?
Is this gonna be my time?
Is this finally gonna be?

Ik ben ziek

Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Echter ik hoor je nooit.
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Maar je bent nooit daar.
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Maar als iemand zijn been breekt
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Dan sta je voor zijn klaar.

Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
En dat zijn geen leugens.
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
En je gelooft dat niet.
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Ik ben klaar met herhalen,
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Ziek van wat je niet ziet.

Je ziet mij niet huilen in mijn bed,
Wanneer ik ergens weer eens niet kan gaan.
Je ziet niet de rimpels vormen op mijn gezicht,
Elke keer wanneer ik niet voor iemand kan klaar staan,
Wanneer ik voor iemand wil klaar staan.

Je ziet niet de pijn die ik voel,
Niet in mijn lichaam, maar wanneer ik teleurstel.
Zelfs schuddend en krampend en jankend in bed,
Sta ik nog liever voor je deur, drukkend op de deurbel,
Even langs gaan als beloofd, drukkend op de deurbel.

Je ziet niet de krampen,
De steken,
De spasmes,
De gebreken,
De vermoeidheid
En de gebrek aan slaap.
Zelfs als ik
Teveel gaap.
Of het teveel slapen,
Het te ver door gaan,
Over mijn limieten stappen,
En daardoor niet kunnen staan.
De wil om te willen,
Het niet kunnen kunnen,
De gebrek aan rustig rusten,
En de boel nog willen runnen.
De hoofdpijnen,
De vlekken achter mijn ogen,
En zelfs mijn duizelingwekkende vallen
Is volgens jou gelogen.
Wat kan ik hier tegen
Eigenlijk nog wel doen?
Als jij nog altijd denkt
Dat ik mij met smoesjes verzoen?

Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
En dat wil ik niet zijn.
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Ik wil gezelschap en geen pijn.
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Maar ik moet accepteren,
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Dat je wat ik wel nog doe niet zal waarderen.
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
En het is tot mijn spijt,
Ik ben ziek, ik ben ziek,
Dat ik moet vertellen,
Dat is voor altijd.

Dus accepteer je mij nu eindelijk zoals ik ben,
Of blijf je net doen alsof je mij niet kent?

Before death becomes me

Did I tell you that I am scared?
For I am still growing larger
And yet I'm fading away.
Like a icepick
On a cusp of a sunny day.

Did I tell you that I cried today?
When I weighed the measure
Of my existence.
This societal scale?
The more I am, the less I stand.

Did I explain how I yelled?
For I am still unable to
See the different lives.
That keeps me
Walking on the edge of a knife.

And then there are all these different stages of being.
I engorge in this death for I'm the one that keeps on bleeding.

So excuse me, I am scared that you are killing me.
I have lost the will to feel encumbrant and free.
I hide myself under these layers of me.
So why can't you wake up and be the one to see?
Before death becomes me.
Before death becomes me.

Your illogical interference
With the life that I am leading
Stems from that notion
That you're right, I'm wrong.
So you put the thing in motion

Where you keep ignoring
Everything that I am.
And when I answer with silence,
I am to blame,
My unwillingness unlicensed.

Well sorry I was too fat to take on any more feeling on guilt.
There are too many in this wall that you've build.
I wish I didn't blame you....

So excuse me, I am scared that you are killing me.
I have lost the will to feel encumbrant and free.
I hide myself under these layers of me.
So why can't you wake up and be the one to see?
Before death becomes me.
Before death becomes me

So excuse me, I am scared that you are killing me.
I have lost the will to feel encumbrant and free.
I hide myself under these layers of me.
So why can't you wake up and be the one to see?
Before death becomes me.
Before death becomes me

One day I will release the shackles around my ankles
And you'll put one around my neck.
And when I turn around to release my wrist,
You will stab me in the back.
When I see to it that the bloodflow stops,
You will twist my words,
Turn them into little bullets,
For your gun to unfurl.
Will you shoot me, just because you can't say sorry?
Don't you wanna say sorry, before you shoot me,
Dead?
Unable to answer back?
And say that I forgive?

So excuse me, I am scared that you are killing me.
I have lost the will to feel encumbrant and free.
I hide myself under these layers of me.
So why can't you wake up and be the one to see?
Before death becomes me.
Before death becomes me

So excuse me, I am scared that I won't forgive.
Before I stop losing the will to live.
I hide myself under these layers, rigid and stiff.
So why can't you wake up and stop the push that you give?
Before the fall of the cliff.
Before the edge of the cliff.

3th day of ChristOhFuck

You better not cry,
You better no die,
I'm gonna cut you,
And I'm telling you why.
Satan Claus. is. a. dickhead.

You once fled
And then you bled,
To the reindeers,
You're gonna be fed.
Satan Claus. is. a. sadist.

Petty theft,
Banks bereft,
Not for me,
My crime is my craft.
Satan Claus. is. coming. to. town.

I'll cut you when you're sleeping
And take you down to the hell.
When this all is happening,
Your mum is sleeping well.

Mi-mighty fine!

So while you burn
And while you turn,
I'll be taking a piss
On your corpse.
Satan Claus. Does not. Need to. Rhyme.
Cause Satan claus has enough time!

Dromen

Er is niets mis met dromen,
Zelfs al komen dromen niet uit.
Dromen zijn een tweede leven
En tweede levens zijn belangrijk.

Wie zal je zijn zonder je gedachten?
Over toekomst,
Over liefde,
Heck,
Soms zelf over politiek.

Wie zal je zijn zonder durven te zijn?
Niet alleen in het nu,
Maar in wat kan.

Durf te geloven in jezelf,
Zet je beperkingen aan de zijde.
Niet dat ze stoppen met bestaan,
Maar je bent meer dan wat je soms stopt.

Omdat je kan dromen,
Je kan altijd leven in je hoofd.
En wat je hier niet kan,
Word je daar beloofd.

To close to dying

Here I was ready to spread around the holiday cheer,
But beaten down once more with paranoia and a sneer.
I have come to close to the edge, to close to everything.
I have come to the point of not being, never existing.

I wear my tears and my pain tied down behind a smile,
And I am pretty sure now that is going to take me a while
To differentiate between all those different states of who I am,
Still knowing what's real, what's not and when to take a stand.

So pass me by and pretend that I don't exist at all.
Pass me by and stop reacting even when I tumble down and fall.
Don't answer me when I keep on asking if I am even real.
Just watch the old movies and feed yourselves to the feel.

The feel of me not being worth it,
To even pretend
Or try to understand.

But I am me and I am going to stand here trying
Until I catch myself being to close to dying.
With the silence of words that I try to make you understand.
I can no longer be who you demand.
I am me and I am to close to dying.

I can not be the one to make this better even though I tried,
You might not have seen me trying and that's alright.
I know what I did was not the solution you wanted to see.
But what's in your vision is not really up to me.

Some days now I am just so close to feeling like I'm going insane,
For the loneliness I sometimes can feel is really not okay.
I keep telling myself that one day you will all be the ones to know,
And the ones to pick me up, never leave me, never again let me go.

And maybe it's just a dream,
It might be a dream,
But can it not be reality?

But I am me and I am going to stand here trying
Until I catch myself being to close to dying.
With the silence of words that I try to make you understand.
I can no longer be who you demand.
I am me and I am to close to dying.

But I am me and I am going to stand here trying
Until I catch myself being to close to dying.
With the silence of words that I try to make you understand.
I can no longer be who you demand.
I am me and I am to close to dying.

And while my body is defeating me again
And I'm trying to make a stand while I can not stand,
And I am falling down not knowing when I will hit the ground,
The memory of you is still being kept around.
My functions are sometimes becoming less functioning,
I am scared and I really don't understand what is happening.
See me now and see me now and see me now,
Don't turn around and take your bow.
But you just....

But I am me and I am going to stand here trying
Until I catch myself being to close to dying.
With the silence of words that I try to make you understand.
I can no longer be who you demand.
I am me and I am to close to dying.

The Don't rape me song

No
No no no no no no
No no
Nonononononononononononono

No
No no no
No no no
NO motherfucking no motherfucking no

No means no
No will always mean no
I said no, you lazy ass bitch
I said no, consent ignoring asshat

No is the no
Is the no
Is the no is the no is the no

No don't touch
Get your hands of me no
Nononononononononononononononono

No means no
No will always mean no
I said no, you lazy ass bitch
I said no, consent ignoring asshat

No means no
No will always mean no
I said no, you lazy ass bitch
I said no, consent ignoring asshat

But what if I'm afraid to say no,
Just 'cause I did not explicitly say no,
Doesn't mean you can get a go
A lack of no is not an existing yes
No sir please don't is not yes
Silently pushing you away is not yes
A wink at a club three days ago is not yes
My dress is uncapeable of saying yes

No means no
No will always mean no
I said no, you lazy ass bitch
I said no, consent ignoring asshat

No means no
No will always mean no
I said no, you lazy ass bitch
I said no, consent ignoring asshat

The less than final cascade

The less than silent misinterpretation
Followed Misperceived injustice.
Do you want me to falter at the knees?
I am not allowed to defend myself,
Leaving me to fend for myself and no one sees

That somehow you are however
Allowed to hurt me without any consideration
For anything that I have said to you.
You are saying my hands feed all those liese
You say that I am throwing and you're no fool.

But maybe yet you are indeed the fool
If you can not take my words for what they are.
So now your love is no longer within reach.
I am stranded here and I've done nothing
That was deserving for the things I can no longer unsee.

This was a breach of confidence.
Confidence I had for myself and for you.
I'm not to look at with a so called sixth sense.

For I am not dead and I am not the liar
You have made me out to be time and again.
I have been anyone else you made me out to be
And you want me wavering as to where I stand.

This time my feet are firm into the ground.
Like roots that will not be cut down to your will
And you are not used to seeing this strength within me
But I will always be I, you will always be you,
I can no longer cater to who you want me to be.

I am not the one made to everything right,
Especially if I was not the one making everything wrong.
You are not here to see me come undone
And one day I will not even try to forget this
And one day I have become what you not think of me, strong.

So take your stand and be the unwavering as well,
I will do what you did, ignore everything and pass you by
Because I will no longer believe in the lie.

For if I see you I want to believe that it is because of love
And that you are the one that wanted me to be in your life.
Despite being the one that has to make a move this time,
See everything from my perspective and watch my life.

I am not going to apologize for things I have no control over.
I am above the feeling that I am lieing truths just to cover
Up whatever it is  you thinks needs to be cover up.
That I am lazy? That I am not the one that can love?
That I make things larger in my head than they ought to be?
That I just want attention despite being alone just for being me?
I am done being the one told that her truths are being lies,
While you can not look me in the eyes,
Well there is no reason for me to apologize.

One day everything will be anything
But for me even one day will never be too late
If that day is the day you are willing to see who I really am.
And that day you will find I still love you.
That I will still love you and my love never had any end.

One day everything will be all that was
And maybe we will be ready to carry the torch
But that day will not come if I am the one caving in
Once again, just to make you feel better about yourselves.
Tell me, are you the one for who I will sing?

Fucking bells

Christmas bells,
Headache yells,
I just burned the meat.

Potato drops,
The children pop,
I want to scream defeat!

Family fight,
Out goes the lights
The tree is up in flames.

Strange weird love,
Curse God above,
It's all just fun and games!

Strangle the kids,
I lost my wits,
Christmas's gone to hell!

But when they ask,
About my tasks,
I say I'm doing well.

I gonna try
To order fries,
And some Chinese food.

I can't be arsed,
It's just a farce,
This way it's all good.

I'm a drunk,
Smell like stunk,
But I don't give a shit.

This holiday,
The lazy way,
That's the way for it!

Fuck right off,
It ain't that tough
To all just have some fun.

It's not about food,
Presents or booze
(Well maybe about booze),
It's about love all along.

But seriously though, booze.
It might all be about booze.
It sure helps.
I'm pretty sure it fucking helps.

Levend kunstwerk

Er zit altijd meer verf op mij
Dan op het canvas,
Zeiden ze.

Je bent een wandelend schilderij,
Een kakafonie van kleur,
Zeiden ze.

Misschien hebben ze gelijk,
Zei ik.

Ik bewoog mijn kwast langzaam over mijn lichaam,
Vuurrood,
Symbool van het bloed,
Bevroren in mijn aderen.
Zachtjes met blauw er overheen,
Om mijn warmte te verstoppen.
Sssjt je mag niet zien wat er echt stroomt in die aderen.
Bruin op mijn handen,
Die zich regelmatig
In de grond willen begraven,
Om natuur te herontdekken
En nieuw leven in te blazen.
Groei, groei, groei, groei,
Als een boom
Met wortels diep,
Diep,
Als mijn handen in de grond.

Groen vraagt er dan natuurlijk ook nog om.
Als bladeren, als bladeren die leven geven.
We weten allemaal dat ik wel wat kan gebruiken.
Knipoog, knipoog.
Mijn haren zijn al blauw als een heldere lucht.
Dat is mooi.
Scheelt weer wat tijd.
Misschien dat wat geel op mijn smoelwerk,
Mijn gezicht als zon verblijd.

Maar welke kleur heeft mijn adem?
Hoe schilder ik mijn beweging?
Wat doe ik met de vegen van de tranen?
Wat is de canvas voor geluk?

Ja ik ben een levend kunstwerk,
Alles is nog mogelijk,
Alles is nog onduidelijk
Tot ik af ben,
Dood en klaar ben.
Tot die tijd, schilder ik mij.

Not all

Take a deap breathe before you go and see
Just how life has treated me.
Before you tell me what not to say,
Make sure you know what made me this way.
Make sure you know the purpose of my words
And the many ways in which history unfurls.
Claim not to know the semantics of it all,
if you do not know how pride came for the fall.

You see when a trans sister is murdered on the right
And left a child is forced into the night,
By her own husbands force  a woman is yet again raped,
We still claim that it is the Muslims who misbehaved.
A black kid is shot by the cops just for being black,
And the violence of the white men still has not taken us aback.

We still bomb women for their right to choose
And while we are at it we bomb the Muslim children too.
We shoot the atheists, the transgenders, and the gays,
For a religion that says they are not okay.
When we want to protect a black woman to little or no avail,
I can almost always guarantee you the white male cop will not see jail.

And when you know how so many minorities found their deaths,
Tell me why you think it's right to "Not All" that?
Maybe listen to the experience of our own
Before you make our struggle about you alone.

Art

We are build to be the shadow of forever.
Forever flawed and forever incomplete.
We forget the paint dripping on our hands
And our fingers on the keyboard
Typing away those litanies.

In our flaws we like to build perfection,
But is perfection really something to crave.
How can something keep on growing
If there is nothing to learn from?

Art is flawed,
Just like us,
Just like it should be.
It is always incomplete
And never finished,
Never done when it should.
Dents on the skin
And aged by time,
wrinkled,
Burdened,
Bent over at the spine.

With all those bruises, cuts and burns,
With all the sarcasm, selfloathing, selfgrowth, and slightly taciturn.
That is what makes art beautiful.
That is what makes art unique.

Art is never perfection.
Art is you.
For you are not perfect,
And that is perfectly fine.

I want to know your story,
Your song, your heart, your breath.
I want to know what keeps you ticking.
I want to know why you are not dead.
That's what art is for.

So bear the burden of your incompleteness
And make it finish you off on the canvas.
It's this blood that makes art.
Art is not perfect,
Art is divine.
Divinely flawed.
Flawed like you.

B

I close my eyes to see the images inside
You are always in my thoughts
I want to tast your breath on mine
And in my open arms only you may hide

With you here I can feel as tranquil
As the sea on a softest breeze
As tender kisses on the softest skin
Taking me over while I sit here so still

Perfectly content, smile on my face
I just watch you from a distance
And when I am back into your arms
I feel like I am overtaken by your grace

Without you, I would feel so lost
As you hold me close to your chest
Not afraid at all to let me love you
You want me with you, whatever the cost

The twinkle in your eye when you smile
And the little wrinkle in the corner of your lips
The moonlight pales in comparison
To your soft light stretches out for miles

You always tease me with a little pout
Making everything more innocent
Unlike the way you give yourself to me
And give all of you without a doubt

And when you are not here
And when I am alone in my room
I still can think you up as a reflection
I just close my eyes to draw you near

Because you are all I see, all I feel
Even when you're not in my arms
Curled up to make the world stop
A fantasy once born to be real

In time our lives will slowly fade
But we will always fade into each other
I wish time would do the same
And always will become never to late

Mirror

Staring in the mirror
With no one staring back at me
Can anyone tell me where I have gone to

Staring in the mirror
Am I really there in a reflection
I feel like a fool for once loving you

Eyes fixed to the mirror
I can see myself in distant memories
Already a worn out and beaten out lady

Still gazing in the mirror
Although I want to run and hide
I want to try to see if I can somehow find me

For the nightmare haunt me once again
And I no longer know to take a stand

In the woods where once Snow White was saved
But I'll be punished there for how I once behaved
You had beaten me down but I always tried to get up
I wish I had the strength to walk away and make it stop

I never onced wanted to call me a victim
But I never liked the taste of the word survivor
I still don't know if I really and truly survived this

You have put your face in my reflection
Am I lucky that you can not break what's already broken
To be honest I think life still has me at amiss

So could you just kill me, I feel too sad
Could you at least try and do that

And I will never stop fighting
Even though I might not ever be the one winning
But I have come to far to just fall asleep
I will try cause I am buried so deep

And you took my soul and my heart and my dignity
You took it all with a grin and made me see
The worthless piece of shit you thought I was
Beneath your worth and beneath your class
And as I hang on to my nails right on that edge
I still never recognized that day as my last
But I have fallen and I have fallen deep
On the other side of the mirror, I am asleep

Don't look in the mirror
You won't find me there
I am too dead too even care

Zombie

Mijn vlam is uitgedoofd,
Voorschot op de dood.
Mijn hart is van glas.
Ik confronteer mijzelf met een waarheid
Die bijna niemand ziet
En mijn mond vult zich met een duisternis
Van woorden die ik nooit heb uitgesproken.

Stap voor stap
Beweeg ik mij voort.
Een been voor de ander,
Een langzame gang,
Misschien wel naar mijn graf.

Ik eet dan wel eens waar geen brein,
Geen mensenvlees of gillende slachtoffers,
Maar dat maakt mij niet minder een zombie.
Dat maakt mij niet minder leeg in mijn hoofd.

Mijn mooie brein,
Ooit zo gevuld met wijsheid,
En sarcastische grappen,
Is nu langzaam aan het uitdoven.
Ik vergeet wat conversatie is,
Ik vergeet de thermostaat van mijn emoties.
Ik vergeet zelfs de woorden die mijn gedichten verreiken.
En op een dag vergeet ik mijzelf,
Of nog erger,
Jou.

Nee ik ben niet seniel.
Ik ben niet dement.
En ik ben niet gewoon wat vergeetachtig.
Ik ben leeg,
Een echo van wat ooit is geweest.
Ik herhaal de woorden van herinneringen
Waar ik aan vast kan houden.
En ik ontdek nieuwe connecties
Door die dingen aan het elkaar te knoppen
Met een streng van kerstlichtjes
Om mijn pad te wijzen
En niet mijn pad kwijt te raken.
Om vervolgens de lichtjes terug te vinden in een knoop,
Als gewoonlijk.

Alles is traag.
Alles is sloom, loom, en langzaam.
Ik ben een zombie,
Dus vergeet mij,
Nu het nog kan.

Mind like mine

Never liked a mind like mine before
It's like catterpillars on the eyes
Seeing yourself through a mirror made flesh
Seeing yourself without any of the lies

Never liked a mind like mine since
It keeps me bleeding into the inside
What I want to see I never once see
And my scars are less than benign

Never will I like a mind like mine
For it keeps me trapped inside it's hive
And it feels like I am barely awake
I wonder sometimes if I'm still alive

I will try to find myself a new normal
But normal always seems to change
And I am running out of days

I know I am not perfect
I saw the years passing me by
Without me taking the time to get it right
Led into the wrong direction
I replaced my days with nights

This mind is my own little Ophelia
But I will not drown in low water
As the inside crumble into mush
My skin is growing harder and harder

This mind is like a bucket of shame
That is haunted by a whirl of guilt
But every day I decide not to jump
While standing on the edge of the world

I am less perfect than perfect might be
And I might be the one that loses her reality

I know I am not a saint
I spend my years in some haze
But I am not the one who is lazy
Have you known how hard it is
To fight when people think you're crazy

So I am dancing in the rain
And I am laughing and people think me insane
Than I am crying and they hide away from me
Than I am chattering and people resent me for feeling free
It's never alright in their eyes
If it's not what they believe, they call it lies
That's the danger with a mind like mine
They do not like what they can not define
That's the danger with a mind like mine
When I grow they want me to recline

I know I will never be a martyr
And I never asked to be
But in the end I will keep fighting
To make sure I am me
The hands that feeds and not the one biting

Loslaten

Stilte.
Er is alleen stilte.
Stilte.
Van jouw kant.

Ik weet niet hoe ik mij moet voelen,
Is het een rust?
Een schuldgevoel?
Een onvergevendheid?
Wat ik wel weet,
Is dat tijd het mij zal leren.
Want ik zal wachten
Alleen maar wachten,
Tot iets anders,
De stilte doorbreekt.

Dit is niet mijn creatie,
Mijn schuld,
Mijn beschuldigende woorden.

Dit is niet mijn gedrag
Die denkt dat het ok is
Om mensen zo te behandelen.

Ik laat het dit keer bij jou,
Waar ik het eigenlijk altijd hadden moeten laten,
Maar oh wat doet het zeer.

Toch echter rust,
Meer rust dan ik verwacht had.
Nu ik alles laat,
Waar ik het altijd had moeten laten.

Ik spreek mij vrij
Van alle beschuldigende woorden,
Van alle foutieve interpretaties,
Van alle genegeer op straat,
Van alle gebrek aan geloven,
Van alle woorden geworteld in het verleden,
Van de gedachte dat ik nog die lastige tiener ben.
Ik spreek mij vrij
En laat het los.

Dit is mijn mantra,
Mijn gebed,
Mijn meditatie.

Ik laat alles
Waar ik het al die tijd had moeten laten
En dat is niet bij mij.

Loser

Get your words

Out of my mouth

Don't shove them back in

We're done in this life

I won't let you win

You penetrated

My mind and heart

And raped my innocence

But I hid all my anger

Inside my hands

Now these hands

Turned into metal

Turned to fists

And they, they want to

Give your face a kiss

And I fucking hate you, I hope you die

I can finally say it

I hope you suffer and die

Take all your words out of my head

Take all the things you had ever said

That no one can ever love me

You made me feel worthless

You sweated

Like a pig behind his stalls

You thought you knew

But you never realized

How much I grew

Into my own anger

And my fire and my hate

In this unsettling pit of rage

You're just a loser

But you once had me engaged

I am your daughter and your son

I am your knife and I am your gun

But you never knew it was not your advantage

I’ll kill your words out of my head

Make you bleed for everything you said

That no one can ever love me

I’ll make you feel just as worthless

I punch those words into your own head

So you never forget the things that you said

And why no one will ever love you

And why you are the one that’s worthless

You are never going to go away

I have come to realize that

You sheer willed you stuck in our heads

You will always be in those pesky memories

But you will never get the upperhand

It’s your bruised and broken bones I demand

You wanted to stay inside and so that be that

Bear the consequences, let it rot you, burn you alive

You can flee through the double-edged blade of my knife

You made me feel like a waste of space, a failure

And although I got everything you were on delete

You still have pointlessly put yourself on repeat

Loser

Is de ochtendgloren al aangebroken?

Oh nachtegaal, nachtegaal,
Waarom ben je er nu niet?
Zoals jouw naam mij suggereert,
Maar misschien droom ik dat wel
In mijn slapeloosheid.
En zwaluw, zwaluw,
Waar ben jij met jouw eindeloze patronen,
Grote groepen gevleugelde vriendschappen
En magische wereld van dromen?
Kleine merels,
Ik mis jullie lied.
Ik wil graag wat gezelschap in deze donker.
Verlangende naar gezang.
Zodat ik weet dat de ochtend is begonnen,
De wereld is ontwaakt
En niet enkel mijn katten.
Die spelen zelfs ook in de nacht,
En beseffen zich enkel kwaad
Of concept van licht en schaduw en dit pikzwarte.

Ik ben een eindeloze bron compleet uitgetapt.
Ik ben Victoria's secret zonder geheimen,
Omdat ik die in dronken buien al heb verklapt.
Ik ben een fontein, vastgevroren,
Zonder de mogelijkheid mijn water te bewegen.
Ik ben een, eugh blegh blargh, ik ben gewoon moe.

De leegte

Een kier in het gordijn.
Ik kijk naar de wereld
Dat zichzelf gewillig
In het duister heeft gewikkeld.

Een kier in het gordijn,
En het is niet ingewikkeld.
Er is een straatlamp,
En een man met 2 honden

En een harde lach die de stilte doorbreekt
Voor een hele 5 seconden.
Maar ik ben leeg van binnen,
Ik ben kouder dan het ijs dat nog niet op sloten ligt.

Ik lijk een wondere vat vol emoties
Elke keer wanneer ik aankom met een gedicht,
Maar dat ik niet hoe ik mij voel.
Ik voel mij compleet leeg van binnen.

Maar hoe moet ik dat uitleggen?
Waar moet ik eigenlijk beginnen?
Als je de woorden niet langer hebt,
Noch de emoties die je hand gelijden.

Ik laat mijn hand over mijn hart strijken
In de hoop het terug naar zijn gevoels te leiden.
Maar misschien wil ik niets meer voelen.
Misschien wil voor altijd in mijzelf gekeerd blijven.

Dus probeer mij maar terug van het randje te praten
En mij in jouw wereld in te lijven,
Om mij vervolgens weer net zo hard te vergeten,
Terwijl ik mij opgesloten in hier, zo enorm verveeld.

Een kier in het gordijn.
Ik kijk naar de wereld
Dat zichzelf gewillig
In het duister heeft gewikkeld.