To close to dying

Here I was ready to spread around the holiday cheer,
But beaten down once more with paranoia and a sneer.
I have come to close to the edge, to close to everything.
I have come to the point of not being, never existing.

I wear my tears and my pain tied down behind a smile,
And I am pretty sure now that is going to take me a while
To differentiate between all those different states of who I am,
Still knowing what's real, what's not and when to take a stand.

So pass me by and pretend that I don't exist at all.
Pass me by and stop reacting even when I tumble down and fall.
Don't answer me when I keep on asking if I am even real.
Just watch the old movies and feed yourselves to the feel.

The feel of me not being worth it,
To even pretend
Or try to understand.

But I am me and I am going to stand here trying
Until I catch myself being to close to dying.
With the silence of words that I try to make you understand.
I can no longer be who you demand.
I am me and I am to close to dying.

I can not be the one to make this better even though I tried,
You might not have seen me trying and that's alright.
I know what I did was not the solution you wanted to see.
But what's in your vision is not really up to me.

Some days now I am just so close to feeling like I'm going insane,
For the loneliness I sometimes can feel is really not okay.
I keep telling myself that one day you will all be the ones to know,
And the ones to pick me up, never leave me, never again let me go.

And maybe it's just a dream,
It might be a dream,
But can it not be reality?

But I am me and I am going to stand here trying
Until I catch myself being to close to dying.
With the silence of words that I try to make you understand.
I can no longer be who you demand.
I am me and I am to close to dying.

But I am me and I am going to stand here trying
Until I catch myself being to close to dying.
With the silence of words that I try to make you understand.
I can no longer be who you demand.
I am me and I am to close to dying.

And while my body is defeating me again
And I'm trying to make a stand while I can not stand,
And I am falling down not knowing when I will hit the ground,
The memory of you is still being kept around.
My functions are sometimes becoming less functioning,
I am scared and I really don't understand what is happening.
See me now and see me now and see me now,
Don't turn around and take your bow.
But you just....

But I am me and I am going to stand here trying
Until I catch myself being to close to dying.
With the silence of words that I try to make you understand.
I can no longer be who you demand.
I am me and I am to close to dying.